Be Curious. Not Furious

You’re driving when, suddenly, another car pulls in front of you. What do you do?

Or you’re feeling misunderstood, undervalued, disrespected, treated unfairly. How do you react?

It’s common and easy for us humans to respond to all of these situations by showing our anger or frustration. We seem to be wired to go directly from feeling hurt or threatened to indignation. Sometimes, all it takes is a few words or even just a glance and we get that feeling of an “ouch” which leads us to quickly and directly resort to blame and waspishness. Sometimes, we may even get furious. It all tends to happen so fast and automatically that we often don’t notice how rapidly our feelings turn into stories, or our stories turn into feelings, and then escalate into something much bigger.

It happens in families, in the workplace, on the street, and in relationships. These feelings and reactions perhaps help explain why an estimated 27 percent of Americans are estranged from members of their own family. Seen on a larger scale, this tendency to quickly resort to blame, anger, and fury is how wars begin and can go on for years, or even decades.

Here is one of my favorite quotes that describes some of the underlying reasons for why and how being hurt leads to anger and blame:

“We judge ourselves by our intentions: we judge others by the effects of their actions on us.” Jack Himmelstein, Center for Understanding in Conflict

The first part of this quote implies that we all have a way of judging our intentions as good and worthy. We see ourselves as good people. We know that we mean well. We don’t?intend?to harm, create conflicts, or cause others’ pain.

However, when it comes to how we view others, especially when we feel hurt or let down by someone, we don’t automatically assume that they have our best interests in mind. We don’t tend to consider that their intentions are good or positive. Instead, we assume the worst. We create a story or narrative about their less-than-positive intentions. That is,?we judge others by the effects of their actions on us.

So, how can we overcome this?

The answer lies in being curious instead of furious.

When you’re feeling hurt, instead of anger and blame,?instead of assuming bad intentions , try to slow things down and bring curiosity to the situation. Your feelings are your feelings. Be curious about them, about whatever narrative you create, and about the other person’s intentions and motivations.

If you’re in your car and someone cuts you off on the highway, instead of immediately reacting with irritability and annoyance, try considering why they’re in such a hurry. Perhaps there is some kind of emergency? Reframing in this way can quickly dissolve feelings of resentment and even make room for compassion (I hope that person doesn’t continue to drive recklessly like that; they could get hurt.).

If someone says something that hurts your feelings, be curious about their intentions and motivations. All you know is that your feelings were hurt. You don’t know what their objective was when they said what they said.

Any time you notice feelings of anger arising, and any time you find yourself feeling misunderstood, undervalued, disrespected, or treated unfairly,?be curious, not furious .

It’s an expression of freedom that can change you, your relationships, and the world.