The Curiosity Myth by Dr. John Grinnell

Bill wasn’t the least bit curious about what Sam had to say. He had found Sam, who was very bright, but often sarcastic, irritating for many years, since their first days working together as young engineers. Over time it had just gotten worse. When Sam spoke, Bill would immediately look for what was wrong with what Sam was suggesting and would focus on how he could articulate his disagreement. Since they now ran key departments, their behavior had become a serious problem.

Information flow is the lifeblood of all organizations and their relationship began to block the arteries of the company, affecting accuracy, quality and timeliness of decision, and action. At a facilitated retreat, the team got the courage to finally tell them so.

Last year I was asked, “John, after 35 years of consulting what is the one thing above all others that you believe can have the most profound positive impact upon an organization?” The answer appears simple, yet this is a simplicity behind the complexity of years of experience. “When you have had a tight gut or a sense of mistrust around an associate, reach out immediately (not tomorrow or next week) and schedule a date and time to discuss the situation openly and completely, the sooner the better.” A relationship problem is a serious business problem, yet it is often not acknowledged as such.

There is an unconscious myth that we can only be “curious,” and thereby conceptually “vulnerable,” with those we trust and respect. In other words, we will listen to every word a trusted fool tells us, yet act like Bill when given advice by a distrusted genius. Curiosity is a grossly underused leadership super power.

I first learned years ago from a colleague, Dr. David Hawkins, M.D., that curiosity is the antidote to defensiveness. I began testing this mindset by applying awareness at the times I felt and acted as Bill did. More importantly, I discovered that I could “choose” to be curious with those I was the most defensive with; it had an amazingly positive effect upon their trust in me and my influence with them. Also, I got insight and some really good ideas that I would have ignored before.

How Do You Do It?

1. Recognize that you are part of the problem. Others, even those you don’t respect or trust, have a perspective and insights that can possibly help you. Listening and being curious do not mean you have to like them or use their ideas.

2. Build a plan for change. Make note of the people you tend to feel defensive around and notice how this defensiveness feels. Of these people, pick the one you find the least threatening and practice being curious with them.

3. Be aware and accept responsibility for your feelings. Notice your tendency to withdraw in fear or frustration, or to attack. Instead, focus on being curious about their point of view. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them.

4. Ride the Dragon?. This is a powerful breathing technique which will heighten your parasympathetic “relaxation response.” Simply stated, it consists of easily exhaling for twice as long as you inhale, and relaxing your shoulder and facial muscles as you exhale. If you want to know more about this technique that we developed, please email, [email protected].

5. Pull back into curiosity. Success is not doing it perfectly, but instead is noting when you are moving into a defensive zone and then re-engaging the 2X breathing to re-center yourself into a listening/curiosity mode.

6. Thank the other person.

7. Advance to the next person and repeat the process. Over time you will learn a great deal. More importantly, you will likely be able to influence many others and the direction of the organization more effectively.