Curiosity > Conviction

I bet you have an opinion on kneeling for the national anthem.

Masks or no masks.

Marriage rights.

Black lives matter protests.

Flat tax. 

Flat earth.

And probably flat iron steak, too.

I grew up in a community that taught me there was a great value placed on "truth" as an absolute - so I created a world where I had to have a judgment on everything and determine quickly how it aligned to my truth. The problem with that is anything could shake my fragile, little world of "truth."

Here’s what I’m learning about the fragility of “truth” now. 

It’s much safer to have a conviction than to have a conversation. It’s much easier to feel like I am right than to lead with curiosity.

It’s easy to guard our opinions so much that we turn our back to receive new information. 

Most of all, it’s easy to call a strong opinion - laced with fear of being wrong - a conviction.

As I’ve entered my 40’s, I’m asking myself as I live in our polarized world, how strong is a conviction if I live in fear that someone can easily offend it?

Is that a depth of belief in the “Truth” or is it a depth of fear in not having THE answer?

And, what if staking claim over my convictions actually becomes a weakness for me in being able to ask, listen, and receive information that helps me be a better human being?

I found a 2019 neurological study on the human brain in social conflict which showed that our tendency when we run into conflicting information is to default to negative feelings - avoidance, rejection, dismissal, etc. The example they gave was an animal approaching a watering hole. If they sense a predator, they’re more than likely going to back away, wait it out, or make a run for it. In that moment of heightened awareness, they’re literally choosing between life and death. So, by default, their animal brain is going to choose to believe the worst-case-scenario (lion waiting in the bushes) over stepping forward and staying curious. That makes sense, right? But, this study also showed that we’ haven’t evolved much beyond that when it comes to conflicting information in the human brain. 

When we experience conflicting information in social situations, our default judgment is negative meaning, avoid the trouble of new information, show ambivalence, or assume the worst. It’s safer, quicker, and frankly much easier. 

So how do you change inherent wiring? 

The way to work past the negative default was “...to invest effort and actively attend to positive information.” 

Aka, get curious, stick around, ask questions, and stop looking for the lion in the bushes. 

I had a personal trainer a couple of years ago and this guy was EXTREME to stay the least. The people who knew him knew him as radical and outspoken about what he thought was right not only for himself but for everybody else in the world. Needless to say, it’s easy to preach your “Truth” at people when they’re out of breath… 

Now, I don’t hate on that guy at all for what he believes and stands for. And I didn’t quit and go find another personal trainer that agreed with me on everything from religion to politics. I stuck with this guy because he pushed me to think about things from a perspective I rarely encountered. It was uncomfortable for sure, but as soon as I could stop worrying that engaging his opinions would sabotage my “Truth,” I found what he had to say incredibly enriching to my point of view. And, believe it or not, he didn’t convert or corrupt me. He pushed me out of my negative default. He actually elevated my perspective and opened up a door. 

That guy and some of the most extreme people I know - on both ends of the spectrum - have been some of my greatest teachers in the last decade. Once I started entering these conversations the whole game changed. I try to walk in holding the belief that, even though I might think they’re crazy and I may not want my life to look like theirs, I know they have valuable thoughts and a perspective that can teach me something.

Moving forward, I try to:

1. Separate my identity from being the guy with the “right” answers.
2. Examine my beliefs through a totally different filter.
3. Stop making fear-based decisions.
4. Sit in humility.
5. Connect with some of the most challenging, strange, unlike me people. I am absolutely a better person knowing them.

And I’m absolutely better for trying.

I share this to encourage curiosity, staying in the room, and saying, “tell me more” over answering with silence. 

Now, I’d challenge you to get curious with someone you know has an alternative view and listen. Really listen, really talk, and really walk away without a redefined conviction.

I’d love to know how it goes if you try it.

Good luck.