Cultivating Silence

I often hear the adage that “Silence is golden.” While I agree with this sentiment, far less is spoken of just how difficult such a simple-sounding truth can be to carry out in day-to-day life.

 While thinking about this, I have come to a few conclusions about why being silent is difficult for so many. The first is that it flies in the face of human instinct. Innate in us are the urges of self-protection, which encompasses the physical realm of protecting our bodies and lives and the verbal realm of protecting our characters.

 For example, think back to the last time you were having a conversation with someone, and you felt attacked by something they said to or about you. I would wager that 99.999% of you had the immediate urge to respond in your own defense with an arsenal of ready words. Now, many of you may have suppressed that urge, having learned throughout years of experience that adding more dialogue to an already tense situation, or one where you simply feel misunderstood, isn’t always helpful. It can be like adding gasoline to a fire.

 Another conclusion I have come to for why silence is so difficult for many is that we are, by nature, self-centered beings. We want to voice our opinions (about anything and everything) and make sure they are heard. While understandable, this urge does not always serve us well in the long run and often even thwarts our efforts by putting our audience off by painting us as too forceful, proud, or opinionated.

It is a constant struggle to overcome both of these instinctual urges to fill the air with our words, and the only thing that can help us overcome this struggle is wisdom gained through maturity. It takes maturity and experience to see (and hear) just how powerful silence can be, and likewise start to see (and hear) how jarring proving a point can be. Often, listening and abstaining from fueling the fire is a more potent way to prove a point.

The saying “Learn how to read a room” comes to mind. And I will be the first to admit that I have found myself at the losing end of this awareness battle—everyone has. It is a learning process. It takes humility, patience, and persistence—all of which are character traits that are fostered as you mature and make mistakes (which you learn from) along the way. 

Reading the room successfully can be seen as knowing exactly when to speak and when to listen and wait for the right time to further discussions or voice opinions (rather than just trying to prove your point). Again, it is not easy, but people will respond to it. After all, think about your own experiences interacting with friends, colleagues, and family. Who do you enjoy spending more time conversing with? The person who shares and listens alike, or the individual who dominates the conversation—stubbornly proving a point—to where you cannot get a single word in? I think I already know the answer. 

No one wants to be bulldozed in a conversation, and showing force and domination—via the vehicle of speech—is neither an appealing or productive approach. It’s not a good look.

As the great Roman philosopher, Seneca said: “It is a great thing to know the season for speech and the season for silence.” 

Only with maturity can you realize when—and be able—to simply let silence be golden.