Cultivating Resilience, Not Breakage in People

Sometimes when we lie to children it is to avoid breaking their hearts with realities that leave ours in tatters.?

We want them to stay protected in the womb of all is well for just a little longer.?

My father did not practice this with me.?

If I asked a question, I got the honest answer… this had some mixed results.?

Asking my father to dispel the schoolyard rumors about a certain North Pole resident in December… kind of impacted the magic of Christmas for a 7-year-old. I didn’t realize what I was doing when I followed it up with background checking the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny… sometimes the truth hurts.

My dad also did not water down the truth in an attempt to make the answers “age appropriate”, which helped me understand the complexities of the real world at an earlier age than could be imagined by current American parents who cautiously parent from snow plows and helicopters.

This sometimes led to confusion for a young child. I thought a reenactment of the Revolutionary War in Fort Tryon Park meant that the "far-away war” he had just told 4-year-old me all about had now come to New York City.?

Unlike many of his time, my dad owned his feelings and his choices.

My dad was not always correct with his answers to my questions, but my father would take responsibility for his mistakes and missteps.

He spoke openly of his own transformations in thinking. He would express regret and tell you he was sorry and why. He would often send written apologies as well.?

Like Maya Angelou said, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”?

My dad tried to constantly learn and always tried to do better.?

My dad’s radical honesty was growth-inducing for me. His commitment to radical honesty was also dependable, even when the truth of the world rocked mine.

I think it is a big part of my ability to live with difficult things, to not shy away from trying to make change, and to practice radical acceptance when life presents the need.?

It is why I research instead of doom scroll.

For me, learning the truth is the point when I can begin to decide what I will do with it.

Truths we are told (or uncover) arrive in all facets of life.?

Sometimes situations at work, our career plans, or an economic or environmental reality can blow in like smoke from another country’s troubles.?

These events demand our attention.?

We have an opportunity to face the truth even when reality bites.?

Being radical about honesty and acceptance can help.

As learning leaders, we are often called on to help people in our organizations manage their emotions when the truth hurts.?The skills we teach them, the ways in which we approach these challenges, and how we manage the impacts of events that may not have evenly distributed impacts will make a necessary difference for our people.

Here are some ways to help others navigate through difficult and uncertain situations:

When faced with a troubling situation, ask yourself these questions:

1. What are the facts of the situation?
2. Did I cause it?
3. Can I change it?
4. How is it impacting me?
5. Is there anything I can do to make the situation different?
6. Is it my "job" to do that?
7. Do I want it to be my "job"?
8. Why or why not?
9. How would I like to proceed?

Let's walk through this with an example:?

Q1. What are the facts of the situation?

It’s raining

Q2. Did I cause it?

Nope

Q3. Can I change it?

Nope

Q4. How is it impacting me?

I was planning to go to a live outdoor event, and now I will get wet if I go.

Now we are going to branch out to several possible responses to the same situation

Example A:

Q5a. Is there anything I can do to make the situation different?

I can rent a large, expensive event tent to stay dry

Q6a. Is it my "job" to do that?

No

Q7a. Do I want it to be my "job"?

No

Q8a. Why or why not?

It is not my event to plan for, and it is not my financial responsibility to pay for the solution.

Example B:?

Q5b. Is there anything I can do to make the situation different?

I can wear rain gear to stay dry.

Q6b. Is it my "job" to do that?

Yes

Q7b. Do I want it to be my "job"?

Yes

Q8b. Why or why not?

I want to choose what I wear.

Example C:?

Q5c. Is there anything I can do to make the situation different?

I can decide not to go.

Q6c. Is it my job to do that?

Yes, making the choice to go is my job.

Q7c. Do I want it to be my job?

Yes

Q8c. Why or why not?

I want to make that decision, I don’t want someone else to decide for me that I can’t go or be forced to go to something I don’t want to attend.

Now for the conclusion of the example with the last question after exploring different options :

Q9. How would I like to proceed?

I will decide to go and wear rain gear. If it is miserable, I will leave early.

Sometimes in life or at work, it is the small stuff, and sometimes it is the big stuff, but being honest with others and with ourselves can often be the difference maker.

It is the point when we start to empower ourselves to decide what our position is about what we can control and what we cannot.

One of the secrets to happiness in life is that we don’t have to love the reality of a situation to be happier in it.?

That is not Pollyanna nonsense… there are many situations that have endings that will make you sad.?

But the question is, do you want to be sad at the beginning and the middle as well??

Or would you rather accept that there is no way to avoid the sad end but choose to focus on the happy parts until you get to that end??

Either way, the end eventually comes for everything and everyone; save yourself from regretting later the life you could have lived in the present as it was.?

Don’t let fear of how awful the future may be, make you miss what you love today.

Be here now.?

In many ways accepting the truth does set us free… from being stuck...

and then we can plan what is in our control to change right now and figure out what we want to do about the rest of it.?

My dad taught me to face reality but not believe I was trapped by it.

In the picture below, a hurricane had blown through where we lived with flooding and downed trees. The next morning, my dad took us out to survey the damage. Through his actions, Dad taught us that gratitude was best expressed with service to others. After the storm, our family was fine, but there was cleanup to be done and neighbors we could help.