Cultivating a Non-Anxious Presence

The phrase ‘non-anxious presence’ is a word used to connote a certain quality of presence. This kind of presence is, ideally, free of pre-occupations with my own anxieties (e.g. about what to say next, etc.), distracting trends of thought that call me away from the present moment, crippling resonances of past experience evoked by the present situation or self-interested agendas.

To be clear, while it is not utterly undermined by any of the above-mentioned dynamics it is still mindful of them as background music. We remain mindful of their dynamic and murmur beneath the surface. As a former colleague once put it: "I was aware of being anxious but was not anxious about being anxious." In a word, to be ‘non-anxiously’ present is to allow the intention to be present in a situation to override any inner turmoil that may be around. A key building block enabling this ability to bracket the turmoil, while remaining mindful of its stirring, is emotional maturity.

The development and nurture of emotional maturity has been a key plank in my work with people over the years. Whether as a trainer or mediator, I have sought to assist the growth of self-awareness alongside technical skills for engaging with conflict. Emotional maturity in the sense I understand it is a capacity to be deeply aware of and name one’s feelings and connect with one’s own thoughts and body. It entails a capability for being earthed in the present moment. It is a sine qua non to the non-anxious presence.

Louise Gold writes about the healing dimension of mediation and proposes ‘presence’ as an integral quality of the mediator. She defines ‘presence’ in terms of centeredness, a conscious connection to one’s deepest values and beliefs, connectedness to the other’s humanity and being congruent, i.e. doing what you are and being what you do. Where this quality of presence obtains, there is also a commitment to our own and the other person’s wellbeing, the mindful awareness of what is going on for both of us while disentangling our own baggage from what belongs to someone else and an ability to sit in the storm of a conflict without losing connection with the calm centre.

The more we cultivate this kind of self-awareness and emotional maturity for ourselves, the more we will be able to bring that quality of presence into the full repertoire of interactions with those around us - friend, family and ‘foe’ alike. Here anxiousness becomes part of the mindful energy that helps us contribute to the wellbeing of our social worlds.

Then we will know what it is to be anxious but not be anxious about being anxious.