Cultivating Fierce Compassion to Obtain Greater Self-Acceptance

This week we have been exploring the ninth and last attitudinal foundation, which is “Acceptance.” When things aren’t going the way we want them to, or perhaps how we had hoped for them to go, we have a tendency to fight our experience or try to change the situation. This holds especially true with regards to the parts of ourselves that we like less or feel compelled to improve in some way. But with mindfulness practice, we can notice not only how much time and energy we waste by resisting who and what we are, but how much unnecessary suffering we create for ourselves, as well.

The way we strengthen our ability to accept ourselves and our experiences is with practice. Specifically, a mindfulness practice known as “metta,” or “Loving Kindness” meditation can help us to foster deeper self-acceptance. What is most important about Loving Kindness meditation is our intention. We hold an intention to not only wish others well, but to also wish ourselves well and to really allow ourselves to receive those well-wishes. This goes against the grain for many of us, especially given our training and conditioning as high-performers.

From personal experience, I know that within the legal community there is the widely-held misconception that kindness doesn’t “fit the mold” of what it means to be a successful attorney, or that being kind may make us soft, passive or a pushover. To the contrary, nourishing the power of kindness actually strengthens our innate capacity to be kind, as well as other inherent qualities, such as resilience, equanimity and joy, which can greatly benefit us in both our personal and professional lives. As meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg says, “When we fan even the smallest ember of kindness, we begin to overcome our judgments, fears and doubts and tap into an endless source of gentle strength within.”

Surely, in an environment that can be as contentious and hostile as that of the legal profession, let alone the current state of our world, it could not be any clearer that what is so desperately needed, perhaps now more than ever, is more compassion and acceptance of ourselves, as well as others. As our mindfulness practice deepens, we can connect more fully with our fundamental ability to be kind, compassionate and accepting of ourselves, as well as those around us. And we can also increasingly recognize that we are not alone in our suffering and that like us, others grapple with wanting things to be different, or coming to terms with the state of the world or life situations. This awareness can promote a feeling of interconnectedness with others, including the difficult people in our lives. Yes, you read that correctly - even the difficult people in our lives!

The practice of Loving Kindness involves repeating a set of phrases in which we send well-wishes inwards to ourselves, as well as outwards to others. While it may at first feel a bit forced to send well-wishes to ourselves, what grows is what we water. And with this practice, rather than watering seeds of that which we may be so used to watering, such as stress and non-acceptance, we instead water our intrinsic qualities of kindness, & compassion and allow ourselves and our experiences to be as they are in the present moment.

Remember, this practice, like the quality of acceptance, is not about forcing yourself to feel any particular way or having to change anything. You may not be feeling particularly kind or compassionate towards yourself or others at any given moment. Despite what you may be feeling, you can simply hold an intention to cultivate loving kindness, while still being with whatever is present in the senses, thoughts, emotions, without judgment. Over time, you may notice that there exists the possibility of cutting ourselves some slack and simply allowing ourselves to be just as we are, which in and of itself, is the most radical act of kindness.

For a guided Loving Kindness practice, please click here.