Crypto, The S&P 500, and Door Number Two: A Satirical Financial Experiment

The Setup: A Conference Room Full of Crypto Billionaires’ Kids

Picture this: a grand conference room with a thousand seats, each occupied by the well-coiffed offspring of morally bankrupt billionaires who expanding their fortunes selling the dream of crypto to everyday mom-and-pop investors. The audience is restless, not because they’re worried about the collapse of the crypto bubble, but because the Wi-Fi is slow, and they can’t check their NFTs.

I stand at the podium, holding a laser pointer, flanked by two metaphorical doors. Behind Door Number One is 10% of the top 25 companies in the S&P 500, representing billions in annual profits, millions of productive employees, and decades of stable, dividend-generating growth. Behind Door Number Two? All the crypto in the world—a digital illusion valued at nearly $4 trillion, underpinned by scarcity, speculation, and a smattering of ransomware transactions.

I clear my throat and address the room: "Your parents claim crypto has value—so much value, in fact, that they think everyday workers should take their hard-earned savings and buy it. Today, I offer you a choice. For the next five years, no trading, no flipping, no off-ramping. You must hold your assets and let them do their thing. Behind Door Number One: 10% ownership of Apple, Microsoft, Amazon, Tesla, NVIDIA, Alphabet, and their top-tier peers. Or Door Number Two: all the crypto in the world."

Door Number One: The S&P 500’s Top 25 Companies

Let’s break it down. The S&P 500 is worth over $40 trillion, composed of 503 entities that represent the heart and lungs of the global economy. These companies employ over 30 million people worldwide, generate more than $16.87 trillion in revenue annually, and produce roughly $3.7 trillion in profits. They make cars, cure diseases, build infrastructure, stream your favorite TV shows, and even produce the deodorant you’re wearing right now (Procter & Gamble, 0.99% of the index).

The Top 25 Companies in the S&P 500 (Ownership Worth Having):

1. Apple (AAPL): 7.05% of the index. The most valuable company on Earth, with $394 billion in annual revenue, 160,000 employees, and products in every household. They literally sell rectangles and make more profit than most countries.
2. Microsoft (MSFT): 6.54%. Over $200 billion in annual revenue, driven by software and cloud services that power most of the business world.
3. Amazon (AMZN): 3.24%. Warehouses, e-commerce, and cloud computing make this juggernaut indispensable.
4. NVIDIA (NVDA): 2.79%. The brains behind AI and gaming, creating chips that literally drive innovation.
5. Alphabet (GOOGL, GOOG): 3.96% combined. You Googled this article. Enough said.
6. Tesla (TSLA): 1.95%. Electric cars, solar panels, and some very entertaining tweets.
7. Berkshire Hathaway (BRK.B): 1.83%. Warren Buffett’s empire, with stakes in insurance, energy, and railroads.
8. Meta (META): 1.81%. It owns your Facebook arguments, Instagram selfies, and WhatsApp family group chats.
9. Exxon Mobil (XOM): 1.27%. Oil, gas, and profits that make environmentalists cry.
10. Eli Lilly (LLY): 1.21%. Innovators in pharmaceuticals, making insulin and antidepressants.

...and the list goes on. Together, these companies employ millions of people, generate hundreds of billions in dividends, and power the global economy. They produce products people actually use, generate consistent profits, and have balance sheets that CFOs don’t have to hide under the mattress.

Door Number Two: All the Crypto in the World

Now let’s talk about Door Number Two: the entire crypto universe, a $4 trillion mirage propped up by speculative fervor, the greater fool theory, and a healthy dose of crime. Sure, crypto evangelists will tell you it’s “the future of money.” But let’s examine the facts:

• Illicit Transactions: In 2023, $24.2 billion of crypto was used for human trafficking, drug deals, ransomware, and illegal arms trades. That’s almost 1% of crypto’s total market value, just slightly behind the morally questionable $43.5 billion in trading fees collected by crypto exchanges like Binance.
• Productivity? None: Bitcoin doesn’t employ anyone (miners don’t count; they’re just frying GPUs in their garages). It doesn’t generate revenue, produce dividends, or make anything tangible.
• Volatility: In the past five years, Bitcoin has swung between $5,000 and $100,000. Try telling a grocery store clerk you’ll pay them when Bitcoin’s up 30% tomorrow.

The only “functional” uses for crypto today are speculative trading and facilitating black-market transactions. Unlike the S&P 500 companies, which innovate and create value, crypto offers no productivity, no dividends, and no growth potential beyond what you can convince the next fool to pay for it.

The Pitch to the Billionaire Heirs

Back to the room full of billionaire children. I lay out the terms:

• Door Number One: Ownership of 10% of the top 25 companies in the S&P 500. Over five years, you’ll collect billions in dividends, benefit from share buybacks, and own part of the world’s most innovative, profitable, and productive businesses.
• Door Number Two: Ownership of every last Bitcoin, Ethereum token, and Dogecoin in existence. No dividends. No earnings. Just the hope that someone will pay you more for it in 2029.

And here’s the catch: you can’t sell or trade your assets for five years. You must sit tight and let the intrinsic value—or lack thereof—work its magic.

I lean into the microphone and say, “So, kids, which door are you picking? Are you betting on 10% of companies like Apple, Microsoft, and Amazon—whose employees, products, and profits power the world—or are you banking on the collective imagination of Dogecoin holders? Because remember dividends from Door Number One alone account for 32% of? cumulative S&P returns and will soon eclipse the current fictional total market cap of Door Number Two.”

The Inevitable Choice

We all know the answer. No sane person would choose Door Number Two—because crypto, unlike the S&P 500, is a speculative bubble without intrinsic value. Door Number One represents productivity, innovation, and stability. Door Number Two? It’s a duct-taped banana masquerading as wealth.

And yet, here we are, living in a world where the morally bankrupt would still sell Door Number Two to mom-and-pop investors while cashing in their fees. The lesson? Always pick Door Number One. And for heaven’s sake, don’t trust anyone who paid $6.2 million for a banana.

Mark Slipp