Crying in Your Car Counts as Self-Care

Ways to find headroom and even joy right now. By Jessica Grose

One highlight of my week was crying in the car on my way to the grocery store. That sounds bleak as hell, but let me explain. I was alone, with no one asking me to do anything for 15 solid minutes, listening to music of my choosing that was in no way affiliated with Disney.

But perhaps more crucially, I have family members who are sick with the coronavirus, and I had been presenting a smooth, cheerful surface to my kids. I needed that car-cry for catharsis, and I felt better afterward.

Here’s a short list of other things I have done to carve out a place for emotions other than faux cheer: purchased pedicure socks at the grocery store; eaten a cookie in the bathroom so that I didn’t have to share it; sat outside, alone, in the cold at dusk while staring into the distance; purchased Season 4 of the yacht-based reality show “Below Deck” and watched it while folding laundry; played a rousing, middle-of-the-day game of “What Time Is It, Mr. Fox?” with my kids.

Let’s not pretend that everything isn’t terrible right now. It is! So while the details of our self-care may have only a passing resemblance to what we used to do before the pandemic, that doesn’t mean we can’t find ways to access some headroom, and even some joy.

“Finding places where you can have space for yourself to reflect and think and feel” is crucial in this moment, said Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, M.D., a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the George Washington University School of Medicine and Health Sciences. Dr. Lakshmin pointed out that all of the “in between transition times” we used to have to ourselves — like during our commutes, and after we dropped off our kids at school — are gone. So it’s important to create those spaces for yourself in new ways, she said.

Dr. Lakshmin mentioned meditation as a great option. And in fact, parents with children under 18 at home are more likely to meditate than the general population right now, according to a new report from the American Enterprise Institute, a public policy think tank. Thirty-six percent of these parents “say they have meditated to cope with stress in the past week,” the report said, compared with 30 percent of Americans overall. If you want to receive the full benefits of meditating, Dr. Lakshmin said, “consistency is the most important thing. Five minutes every day is a lot better than 30 minutes every week.”

One excellent self-care idea was sent by a reader named Anne Diss. “To mark the end of a good day, my husband and I have started having cocktails on some evenings: We sort through our drinks cabinet and pull out the things we never drink (like a bottle of Martini Bianco that has been with us, unopened, for decades) and try to find a nice online cocktail to make with it,” Anne emailed us. Anne lives in France, obviously. “We look for nice glasses, garnish them with whatever we have around and set out a few nibbles too. Our kids have a soft drink and we all gather around and toast to confinement,” she wrote.

Another ritual Dr. Lakshmin suggested is keeping a gratitude, or “silver lining,” list, which you can either do yourself or as an activity with your family. “You can put it up on a white board or on the fridge, for everyone to keep track of unexpectedly fun things that have come up during this time,” she said.

To be honest with you, in normal circumstances, meditation and gratitude journals are distinctly Not My Bag. But I am genuinely finding succor in talking to my kids about their favorite part of the day at dinnertime, and by chatting with my husband about what we’re most thankful for every night before we fall asleep.

I’m grateful that my family members are not in the hospital. I’m grateful that I have a job. I’m grateful that my children are safe with me, and grateful for their teachers, who are working so hard to make distance learning possible. I’m grateful for all the medical workers, delivery people and everyone else risking their lives to do their jobs. I’m grateful to have a car to cry in, and to be writing this to you.