Crying: A Test of Patience

This edition is a bit more emotional. I'm almost at that two-month mark and that's when the waterworks start!

I want to format this a bit differently by adding a question at the start instead of the end. As you are reading think about these two things: (1) What are some times where you lost your patience—or experienced someone who did—and how did that impact that interaction?; and (2) In those moments where you patience was tested, especially in stressful situations of crying, how have you regained it? Or maintained it?

At around this time, babies are well under way developing their tear ducts. And let me tell you, when you see those big eyes fill up with tears and become glassy, it really pulls at you. Despite you knowing that infants don't have many means of communication and that crying is completely normal, it still makes you feel like you are doing something wrong. But when those tears come, it taken to a whole new level. Any edge I have just melts away and I go into full resolution mode.

Sometimes however, resolution mode isn't enough. Your baby will keep crying and crying, for no discernable reason. You've tried every position multiple times. You've tried singing. You've done the swaying and the swaddling. But she still cries. Even when she doesn't cry for a long time, but it's the middle of the night and your already a little bit thin, it can really test you. And what it tests is Patience.

Patience is a key to resilience and key to keeping you humble and going. When you lose your patience, it really shows, and it will seep into your actions. That will cascade into more issues and you'll just end up getting more frustrated. You will end up making mistakes. Even newborns can sense when you are out of patience and they will respond the same. It never helps. Whenever I "reset" by putting my daughter down and picking her back up after a few breaths, we both feel more calm. And a lot of it has to do with me!

During one of those nights where my patience wasn't being tested, I got to thinking about how having patience helps me at work, especially when you are facing an adverse party or your own client who is crying. You've tried all the "positions", "swaddles", and "songs", but the other side still continues to cry. It feels like they can only communicate through crying.

Well I've been in that position several times. And I could tell if I lost my cool or became impatient, it would really make resolution more difficult. Sometimes people just want to be heard and engaging them without patience can lead you to into corners that have no good ending. You will likely need to backtrack and start over, gaining nothing in the meantime. So how do you avoid losing patience? Here are three things I do:

(1) Don't take anything personally. This is a basic concept for life, but it's especially important here. I am an attorney in a role. Very rarely people have issues with my person. It's my role that's bothering them. That helps me step back and realize that I am not being attacked in any way. It goes a long way to feeling calm and keeping that impatience away from the surface.

(2) Be nice. Killing people with kindness has really worked for me. At the very least remain cordial. When people are crying and you respond with a calm, positive attitude that comes from a place of helpfulness instead of judgment, you can really feel good about yourself. I know that sounds selfish, but it's important! Sometimes the adverse party doesn't deserve or need a good resolution from you, and they will never feel good about you. They may never realize how silly they are being, but you can at lease appreciate yourself.

(3) Take your time. In this day and age a lot of my communications are through email. Not only does this make it hard to read tones, which leads to assumptions, but it allows you to take your time. Some people use that time to ruminate and craft clever responses. But that time really allows you to detach. Take a breath. Walk a little bit. Let time pass. All of that will help you maintain your patience.

So, the next time your client is yelling at you. Or when an adverse party tells you your photo looks like its from your bar mitzvah—yes it happened, recently!—don't lose your cool. Take some time, remember to be nice, and respond from a place that didn't take it personally.

I think this should work with my daughter as well. It's too early to tell, I'll report back.

Thanks for reading!