Crying in the Dark: Healing the Silent Wounds of Childhood That Haunt Our Adult Relationships
I stood like a brick wall in front of the door to my daughter’s room. I refused to let my wife in even though the heartbreaking cries of our daughter from her crib beyond were tearing at my heartstrings. Luckily, my wife was stubborn. She got me out of the way and gave our daughter the comfort she needed. It was an extreme wake-up call for me.
Like most people in the West, I cried myself to sleep in a dark room at night. I thought that kind of tough love was appropriate. Wise. But it isn’t. It’s brutal neglect and it has to stop. For all our sakes. The loneliness, imprint of abandonment, and lack of safety we experience as infants carries into every corner of our society.
Uncovering the Roots of Emotional Pain
Have you ever wondered why moments of closeness with others can sometimes feel overwhelming, triggering fear instead of comfort? For many of us, the answers lie buried in the earliest memories of our lives, where patterns of safety and connection?—?or their absence?—?first took root.
Our earliest experiences profoundly shape the foundation of our emotional lives, often in ways we don’t fully understand. For me, uncovering these patterns and wounds has been a lifelong process, made possible through deep psychological and emotional healing work. Practices like silent meditation, breathwork, and even past-life regression have opened doors into the shadowed parts of my psyche.
It was during one of these healing sessions that a powerful memory surfaced?—?a memory from infancy that I now recognize as a pivotal moment in my emotional development. This memory, along with the work I’ve done in relationships with partners willing to explore these depths alongside me, has allowed me to confront and begin healing wounds that many of us carry silently throughout our lives.
The Memory That Changed Everything
In that session, I touched upon a memory from when I was about six months old. I was lactose intolerant, though my parents had no way of knowing this at the time. I had already been weaned early onto dairy-based formula, and one night, I was congested and crying inconsolably. My mother, exhausted and following the advice of her doctors, left me to cry it out. She was likely doing what she thought was best. Yet, in that moment, I felt completely abandoned.
I couldn’t breathe properly. I cried and cried, struggling for air, overwhelmed by the terror of being alone and helpless. This particular night was especially traumatic because I truly felt as if I was going to die, unable to make sense of why no one was coming to save me.
But the deeper imprint didn’t come from this one event. It came from the constancy of this practice?—?being left to cry myself to sleep, night after night, for months and even years. The repetition of this neglect became a defining narrative: that my needs were unimportant, that comfort and safety wouldn’t come, and that I had to fend for myself, no matter how desperate or vulnerable I felt.
This pattern of being left alone, over time, created an emotional wound that shaped my sense of self and my beliefs about love, care, and worthiness.
The Emotional Aftermath
This early experience shaped my emotional reality in ways I didn’t fully realize until much later. It left me with deep-seated beliefs:
These beliefs followed me into adulthood, manifesting in my romantic relationships, friendships, and even my professional life. They showed up as a reluctance to be vulnerable, a fear of expressing my needs, and a nagging sense of unworthiness.
The Perpetuation of Neglect in Public?Schools
These fundamental wounding habits of our culture don’t remain confined to the home?—?they are perpetuated in systems like large public schools, where children are often left to fend for themselves in what feels like a “law of the jungle” environment. In such environments, brutal hierarchies form among children. Those who are stronger or more confident dominate, while others, especially those with deep emotional wounds, are left feeling even more abandoned and unworthy.
Teachers, overworked, underpaid, and emotionally drained, are often unable to address these dynamics. Parents, equally exhausted and stressed, may not have the resources or awareness to intervene. As a result, the wounds of neglect become ingrained even further, reinforcing the belief that no one will protect or support us when we are vulnerable.
These early experiences of navigating neglect and isolation in larger systems can echo throughout adulthood, shaping how we approach relationships and communities.
How These Wounds Show Up in Relationships
Unconscious feelings of neglect and unworthiness don’t disappear as we grow?—?they follow us into our adult relationships. The closeness and intimacy we long for with our partners can also trigger our deepest fears. We may find ourselves blaming our partners for neglecting or abandoning us, even as they do their best to love us.
This blame often goes both ways, creating a cycle of misunderstanding and pain. Our partners may feel unappreciated or unsupported, triggering their own wounds. Despite our best intentions, the psychological wounds from infancy resurface in moments of conflict, making us either cling to our partners in codependence or push them away out of fear of rejection.
These patterns are not signs of failure but opportunities for healing. Instead of blaming ourselves or our partners, we need to reframe these emotions with the perspective that relationships are spaces for mutual growth and healing.
The Healing Power of Relationships
While much of my healing journey was solitary, a significant part of it took place in relationships. In my romantic partnerships, I’ve been fortunate to work with partners who were willing to explore the shadow places within themselves and within our connection. Together, we created a space where we could bring our deepest wounds to light and begin the process of healing. Sometimes this happened while we were still lovers. Other times, it was during the post-breakup post-mortem when attachment to outcomes was less urgent.
The bottom line is this: Healing our wounds is one of the most profound purposes of relationships! They are here to act as mirrors for our unresolved pain and as containers for transformation. When we approach relationships with the intention of healing rather than fixing, we create a foundation of mutual growth and deep trust.
The Bigger Picture: Society’s Wounds
These personal wounds are not isolated?—?they are part of a larger societal pattern with deep historical roots. Generations of families have followed harmful advice rooted in the patriarchal, clinical approaches to child-rearing that arose from a deliberate dismantling of motherly and grandmotherly wisdom.
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For centuries, midwifery was the foundation of nurturing and caregiving practices. Mothers and grandmothers passed down knowledge about birth, breastfeeding, and infant care, creating strong intergenerational support systems. However, the rise of institutionalized medicine?—?often intertwined with the church and patriarchal authority?—?systematically demonized this wisdom. Midwives were branded as witches, their practices dismissed as primitive or dangerous. Over time, this ancient, feminine-centered knowledge was replaced by clinical, often dehumanizing methods that prioritized efficiency and compliance over compassion and emotional well-being.
The shift away from communal caregiving?—?where children were raised with the support of extended families and villages?—?to isolated nuclear families exacerbated this disconnection. Parents, burdened with stress and lacking support, were encouraged to adopt practices like early weaning, crying it out, and sleep training, which disregarded the emotional and psychological needs of infants.
This disconnection doesn’t just affect individual families?—?it ripples outward into society. When children grow up feeling neglected or unsafe, they carry these feelings into adulthood, shaping how they interact with others. These wounds contribute to a society that prioritizes competition over collaboration, mistrust over connection, and self-preservation over empathy.
At the neighborhood level, this manifests as communities that struggle to support one another. People are less likely to form deep bonds with their neighbors, creating isolation even in densely populated areas. On a larger scale, these same dynamics play out in national and international politics. Nations prioritize dominance and power over cooperation, often perpetuating cycles of fear and conflict.
Even our relationship with nature reflects this disconnection. We treat the planet as something to exploit rather than a source of life to nurture. The same patterns of neglect and extraction we learned as children are repeated in how we interact with the environment.
The result is a fragmented society where individuals, communities, and nations struggle to trust and support one another. But just as these wounds ripple outward, so too can healing.
A Path?Forward
Healing begins with recognizing these patterns and choosing to approach relationships differently. By treating our connections?—?whether with friends, lovers, or family?—?as sacred spaces for healing, we can create ripple effects that extend beyond our personal lives. Healthy, healed relationships have the power to transform communities, influence global politics, and heal our relationship with the earth.
Contemplation & Journaling Questions
Practices for Healing and Connection
Here are some practices to help you begin this journey:
Self-Compassion Rituals:
Partner or Friend Healing Practices:
Community Building:
Connection with Nature:
Body Awareness:
Visualization for Healing?Neglect
Transforming the World Through?Love
When we heal our wounds, we don’t just transform our lives?—?we create ripples that touch everyone around us. Relationships are opportunities to heal not only ourselves but also our communities, societies, and the planet. By approaching our connections with love, compassion, and a commitment to mutual healing, we can create a world where everyone feels safe, valued, and connected.
It starts with us. Let’s show up for ourselves and each other, knowing that every act of care has the potential to change the world. What commitment are you willing to make today to help restore both your happiness in relationships and take the world one step closer back to harmony?
If you want to go deeper, download my free book, Empowered Love @ www.TheAlchemyApp.com