At The Crossroads: Gaining Acceptance from Others… Are You Selling Out or Buying In?

Acceptance: the process or fact of being received as adequate, valid, or suitable. Example. “You must wait for acceptance into the village.”

?Sellout: a person who compromises their personal values, integrity, talent etc. for money or personal advancement.

?Selling out or sold out: in the past tense, is a common expression for the compromising of a person’s integrity, morality, authenticity, or the collective or group in exchange for personal gain, such as money or power.

?“The Strong Silent Black Man”- “You’re that person that no one worries about because you always show up when they need you. You’re the person that says I got it, even when you really don’t. But you always figure it out.? Everyone thinks you’re strong and that you got it all together, when you really just deal with things quietly because you don’t want to burden others with your problems.” - Unknown

?“The Strong Silent Black Man… Dead Man Walking”- “Also remind The Strong Silent Black Man” that he doesn’t have to buy into the group’s propaganda, stereotypes, or misconceptions of being strong. This burden will kill you.? Don’t be played.? Falling into the pit… to achieve the savory carrot of acceptance. ?Just live your life… Just be you. Be human.” - Dr. Micheal Kane, Clinical Traumatologist

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?My Dear Readers,

?I bid you a hearty hello, welcome and best regards from Brussels, Belgium.? I am currently on my way to Wereth, Belgium a small hamlet 107 miles east of Brussels and 217 miles from the southern border of Germany. I am on my way to Wereth to pay homage to “The Lost Eleven” who are also known as the “Wereth 11”. These were eleven African American soldiers serving in WWII in a segregated combat unit who, during the Battle of the Bulge in the winter of 1944, were captured, tortured, and murdered by members of the Waffen SS.? This tragic occurrence is known today as the Wereth Massacre.

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These valiant and courageous men fought thousands of miles away from their homes for freedom and democracy, concepts that had been denied them in their own country as they endured forced segregation, domestic terrorism, and psychological trauma. They fought America’s foreign wars with the hope that one day, they would achieve acceptance as being on full footing with White Americans. I will continue their story in the next blog featuring the story of “The Lost Eleven”.

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Today’s blog post is also about the question of acceptance.? However, the focus is on acceptance as a Black man, struggling not with White America, instead is struggling with rejection from the African American community.? Below is his story…

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Dear Dr. Kane,

I am a middle age African American male who has lived my entire life in a white community that is lacking what I need the most… black people, black culture, and most importantly, acceptance as a black man. My parents originated from Mississippi, arriving in the Pacific Northwest following the Korean War.? My father, recently discharged from the US Navy had served in Bremerton Naval Shipyards, did not want to raise his family in the segregated South, returned to Mississippi, packing up my mother and never looked back.

?I was born in Maryville, WA and besides a stint in the USAF, I have resided in Maryville all my life. I understand it was my father’s intention to escape the overt racism of the South, however what he achieved was planting his family in the covert racism of the Pacific Northwest. All my life I have contended with the racial jokes (e.g. How do you drown a black man? Answer: Pop his bottom lip). The only occasions to interact with Black people were my daily commute to Seattle and Sunday church services.? Now that I am working remote I no longer have that as an option.

?Even when that was an option, I felt I was being hated and rejected by Black people.? I am college educated, working in mid management earning a six-figure income, married, have children, and own my home. Because I have achieved what many would call the “American Dream,” Black people are critical and call me a “sell out.” I don’t understand why Black people don’t accept me. ?I am no different from other Black people.? I must endure racism and discrimination.? I am tolerated, not accepted by mainstream White society.

?I need a foundation of black culture.? I don’t want to have to go to black churches, barbershops, and nightclubs to get black culture. I’ve been told “if you want to understand black people, you have to be around black people”. ?What do you do when black people don’t want to be around you? ?I feel that I am being punished for being successful. For my success, I am called a sellout (e.g. you got an education, work for the man… you left us behind).? If I was in the entertainment industry such as music or sports, I would have the buy in. ?

?Dr. Kane, look at you; what you have been able to achieve. I don’t have privilege. Being Black hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Just like other blacks, I can’t leave my home without concern of being stopped by the police.? I am not the smartest guy in the room.? I just want Black people to stop being angry at me. I really don’t know what my own people want.

?Being Black. Just not Wanted by Blacks

Maryville, WA

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?My Dear Readers,

The trauma of “The Invisibility Syndrome” is a consistent microaggression in the daily lives of African Americans, specifically.

?Invisibility is an inner struggle with the feelings that one’s talents, abilities, personality, and worth are not valued or recognized because of prejudice and racism.?- Dr. A.J. Franklin, Professor, Educational Psychology, Boston College

?Although the main theme of this individual’s writing is focused on the lack of acceptance, he is also psychologically impacted and rendered invisible due to rejection by both the white community in which he resides and the black community from which he yearns for recognition and validation. These painful outbursts while being “At the Crossroads” is a common dilemma within the African American community.? It is one that is extremely psychologically impactful and can have severe effects on emotional wellness.? Furthermore, it is one that is often endured and suffered in silence.

?In this blog, I will provide an analysis of this individual’s actions. Generally, his actions align with many of the current concerns of African Americans as a whole: the struggle with the dilemma of invisibility from the dominant society and acceptance/rejection from their community which is marginalized and made invisible by the dominant society. ?

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Living on the Fringe… The Good Negro aka N.O.T. (Novelty, Oddity, Token)

The fringe is defined as something regarded as peripheral, marginal, secondary or extreme in relation to something else.? In this situation “Being Black”, with the exception for military service, he has spent his entire life among white people. ?Due to being one of the few African Americans in this community, by his presence he is marginalized, specifically viewed as being insignificant, and made to feel isolated and unimportant.

As he moves through the developmental stages and achieves success in education, employment, marriage/family and home ownership, the dominant society continues to maintain “distancing”. ?His success is viewed within the “bootstrap mentality”. That his success and the acknowledgement of his achievements are obtained by hard work, personal resources, and self-reliance.? He is subsequently accorded the status of the “Good Negro” in the dominant community. He is now viewed as a novelty (special, unusual), oddity (strange; outside the known stereotype) and token (the appearance of being treated fairly).

Despite his success, “Being Black” remains “invisible”. ?He continues to be held on the fringe, secondary yet not as extreme in the general and stereotypical views held towards the African American community as seen in the media and other contexts.

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Waiting for the Key … To the Kingdom

?The key represents the power of opening and closing. It denotes liberation, knowledge, uncovering mysteries, and initiation into the culture of blackness.

?As indicated at the entry of this writing, “acceptance” is defined as process of fact of being received as adequate, valid, or suitable. “Being Black” emotionally and psychologically, has spent his lifetime residing among and awaiting the white community, the dominant society, to accept him.? Yet the most they can provide is a secondary status.? As they do not reflect his ethnic origin, racial ancestry, or family history the dominant society providing “the chase of the savory carrot” cannot provide “Being Black” what he is truly seeking, which is access or specifically, the key ... to the kingdom.

?“Being Black”, not by his own doing is caught between two worlds, one white, in which he was raised and the other black, in which he seeks to attain understanding, namely liberation, knowledge, mystery, and initiation. It would be a mistake to view “Being Black” as psychologically or emotionally crippled.? Rather, he is limited to the narrow choices that he feels are available to him.

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Differing Hate from F.E.A.R. - False Expectations Assuming to be Real

?“Haters do what they do best… Hate.? However, living in fear is not hating… It’s about distancing.” - Dr. Micheal Kane

Hatred can be defined as extreme dislike, resentment, or disgust. It can also come in the form of prejudice, hostility, or animosity. Hate is based on power and control. Hate comes from the idea that certain people can or should have power and control over others. ?Utilizing this as a base of understanding, rather than hatred, it is apparent that “Being Black’s” experiences of rejection by Black people is based on social distancing due to his upbringing as well as cultural and social norms based on the white community in which he was raised.

??As there is no issue of power and control for “Being Black”, his desire is simply for interaction. ?It is feasible, due to his upbring, black people may have concerns about him such as his speech, mannerisms, style, and values, which they may have interpreted as “acting white”. ?Such concerns coupled with his attainment in education, success in employment and family/marriage, could be factors of black people interacting with “Being Black” to have F.E.A.R. (False Expectations Assuming to be Real) regarding these interactions.? The result, sadly for “Being Black” due to no fault of his own, is social distancing for which he takes as rejection.

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Concluding Remarks

?Another path…. A different path…. The Uncharted Territory

?Acceptance from or by others is a normal human desire. The concern regarding “Being Black” is his belief that the way of achieving liberation, knowledge, uncovering mysteries, and initiation stems from an external source, namely African Americans. He has bought into the belief of having to choose between being a “sellout’ or “buy in” to the concept (stereotype) that Black achievement can only validated in the entertainment sphere.

?The “sellout’ or “buy in” concept relies on the fallacy of the external key being granted or provided by others. ??The power of opening and closing; achieving liberation, knowledge, uncovering mysteries, and initiation arises from empowerment of the individual and the wantonness to attain self-discovery. It would be beneficial for “Being Black” to seek a different path such as belief, faith, and trust in self, and not relying on the statements of others he assumes can provide him the so called “keys of access, into black culture”.

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The uncharted territory lies within the self.?

?Acceptance and validation from others is psychologically and emotionally reinforcing when such acceptance and validation is “balanced” with acceptance and validation from within the self.? “Being Black” would best serve himself by identifying likeminded African Americans whose achievements are similar and not driven by the “sellout’ or “buy in” concept.? Although “Being Black” does not view certain black focus institutions such as churches, barbershops, or clubs as meeting his purpose, there are other possible institutions like social, civil, and fraternal organizations that may be available. ?

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"It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half believed, before I was able to walk on this earth as though I had a right to be here.’ - James Baldwin, author, social critic and pollical activist

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My Dear Readers,

As I close this blog post, I want to address “Being Black’s” ending comments in his statement.? He states:

?“Dr. Kane, look at you; what you have been able to achieve. I don’t have privilege. Being Black hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Just like other blacks, I can’t leave my home without concern of being stopped by the police. ?I am not the smartest guy in the room.? I just want Black people to stop being angry at me. I really don’t know what my own people want."

“Being Black” is of course, angry and his statements reflect such anger.

?1)???????????????? He does have privilege.? In this situation privilege is defined as having an advantage. He is an African American male with a college education having attained a position in the corporate world.? Being so, he has an advantage other Black people do not have.? However, such an advantage does not negate that he is also a target in the workplace.

2)???????????????? Being Black has gotten him exactly where he is today.? His father came to the Pacific Northwest to provide him with the opportunity for a life that was denied to him in the segregated south. This commitment to success is what made him the person he is today.

3)???????????????? Regarding interactions with the police for his safety and security it is essential that he be vigilant in his actions.? Like all Black men, regardless of education, social status or employment, there are life ending risks that could occur when interacting with law enforcement.

4)???????????????? A Black man does not have to be “the smartest man in the room”.? However, the Black man must know while working in white spaces, the environment will be hostile may it be overtly or covertly.? Therefore, it is not enough that he knows how to “play the game” he must also be astute to “run the race smarter, not harder” to be successful in a hostile work environment.

5)???????????????? The anger that Black people have although being felt individually is really about the lack of what is perceived as “power and control”. This will subside when the focus is transformed to “empowerment and balance”.

6)???????????????? “Don’t know what Black people want”.? Just keep living, transform your anger into productivity, join with likeminded Black folks and allies and find out … what Black people want.

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As for myself I do not deny my privilege, I have a unique advantage.? I am well trained and skilled in both clinical traumatology and forensic psychology.? I utilized my training and skills in service of my community and my profession. I am committed to what I defined as the Big III:

?I) Serving my patients to the best of my abilities

II)?Bearing witness to man’s inhumanity as in

a) uncovering the truth, exposing the lies

b) discovering, educating, sharing information

c) healing psychological wounds

III)?Walking my landscape…achieving self-discovery

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Writing from Brussels, Belgium… paying homage and respect to The Lost Eleven of the Wereth Massacre of WWII, I bid you all wellness as you walk your own landscapes.

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Empowered… Standing at the Crossroads