Critique the work.

Critique the work.

When our ego is in charge, we want to prove our worth.

When we focus on doing work we know we’re capable of, we focus on developing our skills.

From this place, we’re more likely to take feedback as intended.

Why? Because we know feedback is designed to critique the work, not our worth.

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As a teenager, I loved the rock band Smashing Pumpkins.

While I was air guitaring in my bedroom, Smashing Pumpkins’ fame was skyrocketing.

The band were enroute to create the next great rock album.

What stood in their way?

Working through the need to ‘prove themselves’, it turns out.

The flip side of fame.

In a recent?Guardian interview , Smashing Pumpkins front person Billy Corgan spoke on this human need to prove ourselves.

“Once you stop needing to prove yourself, you just go back to what you know, which is: I’m a good musician, I’m a good producer. Why am I not making quality music to the level of my capability?”

They sold six million copies of their debut album. They were one of the most popular bands in rock music in the 90’s.

It’s incredible to think that a band so prolific had these internal thoughts about ‘needing to prove themselves’.

When we create, or achieve a work milestone, or get a fancy new job title, we expand.

When we expand, we move into our ‘learning zone’. And in this zone, we’re at the ‘edge’ of our competence.

After expanding, we need to retract. To make ‘sense’ of what we’ve created and to top up our tank again.

We’re at this interesting place where we know what we’re capable of and equally wondering how we’ll top it.

If we spend too much time in the learning zone, without getting feedback on how to improve or take a step forward, self doubt can slowly, eerily creep in and make a home in our mind.

And from that place, it’s really tricky to hear feedback as it’s intended: to improve the work.

Instead, we hear it as a critique of our worth.

Feedback is like a buffet.

You don’t have to try the dish at the feedback buffet unless it appeals or benefits you.

You don’t need to like the food on offer. You might dislike the chef, the way the table is displayed, the napkins or how the menu is read to you.

Similarly, you get to choose which pieces of feedback are useful to you.

What gets in the way of us hearing feedback usefully is feeling our ‘worth’ is on trial.

When we feel insecure, or as though we need to prove our worth (like after getting a promotion or a new job, or during a change), it’s really hard to hear feedback independent of how we feel we’re going at work.

We need a tool to get out of our own way.

The tool I use to put my worth to the side, to focus on the work, is a feedback table.

When we work together, I like to imagine that there’s a table between you and I.

On your side is your experience. On my side is mine.

Any feedback you give me, or I give you, is placed on the table in front of us both.

Off the table is our worth, or inherent value. I’m not on trial and you’re not exposed.

The work is up for debate, not our worth.

I imagine we write each piece of feedback on a post it note and put it on the table.

Over time, there’s a few post it notes, sitting brightly for us to ponder.

We pick up one post it note one at a time.

We ask each other,?‘Does this fit? Is this right? Would this work? How could this be better? Does this benefit the work or nah?’

You’re not critiquing me or my Rachel-ness. I’m not critiquing your you-ness.

I’m not owning things that aren’t mine to own, and equally, you’re not responsible for how I behave to your feedback on the work. That’s mine to own.

You and I have made the decision before we shared the feedback that we have a positive intent towards each other. We want each other to be successful and the work to be as good as it can be.

It’s just you, me, and the work. Our worth is never up for debate.

I recently worked this concept out in a call with a client.

I’d spent considerable time getting a presentation together, to present to the Big Boss.

All I needed to make sure my perception of what was important matched theirs.

It didn’t.

Wamp wamp wamp.

Big Boss, in response to the work (not my worth), said, “Hmm…. steer well away from that”.

Just because what I initially prepared didn’t match Big Boss’ hopes, doesn’t mean it couldn’t.

Big Boss’s time was valuable and so was mine. So coddling myself with ‘woe is me’ wouldn’t actually benefit Big Boss, me, or the work.

By putting my ‘ego’ off the table and reminding myself that I want to do good work and to do work I’m proud of, I could ‘hear’ the feedback I needed to get better.

So, I said, “It seems I’ve taken this concept too far ahead. What I’m hearing is you’re wanting more of this other area, is that right?”

Big boss said yep, and we all moved on to other agenda items.

The actual conversation wasn’t long at all.

With the feedback on the table, work can improve.

Everyone is worthy. Everyone deserves respect.??

A good way of thinking about it is, if I’m still wanting to prove myself to this person, my ego is at the reins in this conversation. The other person will feel it and as a result, tune out. No one gets better and the work doesn’t move forward.

Another way of thinking about having, and participating in, feedback conversations is, ‘If I can get through this today, what I’m learning in this conversation will make me even better in the next one?’

Creating a table between our feelings and someone else's thoughts.

We can sit around and feel sorry for ourselves. Or, we can, in meetings, and in conversations, mentally create this ‘table’ between what the other person says and what we think.

It’s a small mindset shift, but I’ve noticed, after spending years finding my own relationship with feedback, that once you separate your sense of ‘self’ from the work, it’s unbelievably liberating.

There’s all this room to actually look at the work. Game changing.

And as a leader? It’s so much easier to give feedback to your teammates, and have them give feedback to you, because you both know: we’re here to make the work better. Period.

If this resonated, consider the concepts we discussed today with yourself and your team:

• When I get feedback, and I go into ‘I feel personally attacked’ mode, what are some ways I can create distance from the situation to give myself a moment?
• When I get the craving to interrupt, show off, or generally want to prove myself, can I take a quiet moment later on to check in and ask myself what was driving that need?
• If my team member is feeling they need to prove themselves, how can I remind them I want to critique their work, in pursuit of a greater impact, and not their worth?
• Can I be explicit about my intention to critique the work, and not their worth?

If this spoke to you today, imagine what life could be like if your peers had these tools.

Get in touch ?today to learn more about?bringing?training ?to focus on the work in feedback conversations, not people's worth.

Go well,

Rachel and the team at Happiness Concierge.