The Critical Role Of Childhood!

To listen to the podcast episode on this topic click the links Apple or Spotify at the bottom of this article

When undertaking any assessment of a parent's capacity to parent their child, there are many factors and issues to be taken into account, but for me few factors are more significant than a parent's experience of being parented.

Their experience of being parented determines to a very large extent the quality of care they will offer their children.

People often say, 'parenting doesn't come with a manual,' meaning that you're not taught how to be a parent, but I would argue that you are. It is just that you are not conscious of what you're learning whilst being parented, and more significantly, those teaching you i.e. your parents, are unaware of what you are learning and becoming as a result of the thoughts, words and actions they expose you to.

The point is that as children we watch, follow and are hugely influenced by our parents, even though it is not always obvious.

In my experience of interviewing parents for the purpose of assessing their ability to parent, so much relevant information can be gained from asking a parent questions about their lived childhood experiences.

There are so many points of learning about children that one can pick up from discussing a parent's earlier life.

For example, one thing that is conspicuous to me is just how loyal children are to their parents. Even when their parents may have treated them in a manner that many people might describe as appalling. It never used to make sense to me, why children who had suffered substantial abuse remained fiercely loyal to parents, who had not seemed to show anything like, the level of care and commitment that their children needed and deserved.

But after a period of time, and thinking about things in the way children might, their behaviour began to make sense to me.

You see for children, especially young children, their parents are their world. They are the foundation for all that children know, understand and believe.

To children their parents are all powerful, god like beings, who they are totally dependent upon for many years of their life. And what I had not understood, was that when you rely totally on your parents until you reach independence, you don't really have sufficient experience to evaluate the care you receive.

You probably don't begin to compare the parenting you received with others until you're well into your twenties and thirties, and many people it seems rarely if ever do. They just don't seem to think about it, or recognise the need to do so.

I am frequently astonished that many of the parents I have worked with over the years, display a marked lack of curiosity with regard to why certain events happened in their life. They simply seem to accept without questioning why they were treated the way they were, or experienced certain circumstances.

Very often parents cannot explain, why for example, they were asked to leave home and stay with other relatives when they were only...about 11 or 12, or attended several junior and secondary schools, without them having been permanently excluded.

Perhaps, what for me is really surprising is that even as an adult, parents fail to question matters that you think should stand out as unusual or alarming.

But the thing is, for them it doesn't.

And the reason it doesn't, which I think accounts for why lots of people, never seem to question or compare the parenting they receive from others, is because by the time they reach independence, whatever parenting they have received is normal to them.

If you have been treated the same way repetitively, eventually this becomes 'normal' to you, and if you have come to accept certain types of behaviour as normal behaviour, why would you ever consider questioning it

Whatever we have been exposed to on a daily basis during our childhood, then becomes a way of life for us, but not just for us. It also becomes a way of life for our children, who like the adults we work with, may never feel the need to question.

The good news however, is that anything we are exposed to often enough can become normal for us.

So, expose yourself to positive experiences, to good values and uplifting and inspiring people. Become the best that you can be - the best you, will then become, your new 'normal.'

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/incredible-witness/id1679934113

https://open.spotify.com/show/5w3CWjV1CcwdsA7tTiAPV0?si=43d84dcf6c8049ed