The critical insights you miss when you don't listen to the backstory

This question comes from Tavas from Zurich.

"I have read what you have said about listening, unfortunately, it takes too long - what I am missing - where is productivity benefit of this approach - how does it save time?

If you have a question about your listening in the workplace, send me a LinkedIn InMail

Thanks for the question Tavas

It's important to listen to both what they say and how they say it. When you effectively listen to the backstory, you dramatically reduce the length and number of meetings.

Listening to the complete backstory focuses the speakers and listeners on the systemic rather than symptomatic issues.

This approach will dramatically reduce the number of meetings because the critical issues are addressed. It will also reduce the length of the meetings.

Here are my thoughts to Explore the Backstory

The Backstory and their back story

I discovered the power of being curious and rewinding to the origins of the story first-hand while listening to community organizer Simon Geer.

The topic of the interview was Simon’s project “Bridging the Gap”. This project is about teaching university students the communications skills to listen when they fiercely disagree with an idea or point of view rather than disagreeing with a person.

This is an important difference that I need to remind myself about regularly.

[If you would like to practice your listening with Simon and I, follow the link]

Great listeners influence how speakers tell their story.

My question was

“Simon. We’ll spend a bit of time talking about the bridging the gap project, take me back before that project. What was the conversation that sparked the idea to create this project?”

Simon’s response was: “It’s always dangerous when you’re asked, take me back, because I could go back to when my parents came to the United States on a boat. They came from England in 1965. And to really understand me, you have to understand the part of the Jewish Left that I grew up in.

I grew up on the upper west side in New York City and Manhattan. When it was still pretty working class, middle class pretty heavily Jewish and Left. I went to a summer camp called Camp Kinderland.

And when I say this to people, it was a Jewish Communist Summer Camp, they are, oh, you mean Liberal?

No, no, I mean a Jewish Communist Summer Camp.”?[I]

This backstory creates an entirely different perspective about Simon, the Project, and his part in the Project. You understand his history and its circumstances. Later, Simon revealed more of his parent’s story. They fled Poland around World War II to arrive in England. After College, this came full circle when Simon took his first job working for Lech Wa??sa and the Polish Solidarity movement.

You and I feel like we know Simon much better.

This is the value of the backstory.

You understand how he has arrived working on a project about communicating when you disagree.

I better understand Simon and his past relationships and their influence on his ideas and point of view when listening to disagreements.

With his backstory revealed, now it was time to build on this foundation and the connection to explore the Bridging the Gap Project. Now, and only now, could I understand how this Project fits into his background and worldview.

Notice

Not all speakers initially commence the story at the beginning. Rarely will they outline each scene, with all the characters and their parts into a coherent sequence. When the story's content is close or personal, speakers tend to start the conversation from their opening scene rather than THE opening scene.

When speakers explain the history of an issue, project, relationship, and struggles, they will rarely explain it fully. They typically describe where they are at in their thinking, rather than the events. When they say it the first time, that is the story in their mind, not the complete story.

Yet something powerful and transformational happens when they say it out loud from the beginning – the idea's inception.

Verbalizing to all the participants and components of the story creates meaningful connections for the speaker and the listener.

Many conversations where the speaker initially only describes their most crucial scene. This is their starting scene, yet unconsciously they ignore or eliminate the story's critical characters and elements. They reduce each participant's history into a brief scene rather than the full context.

If that’s all you listen to, you try to form connections utilizing assumptions, imagination, and interpretation. Now the speaker has planted the seeds of confusion, and you become distracted.

Your role as the listener is to listen to their backstory, the backstory, and their place in the backstory.

Invite the speaker to explain more from behind the scenes.

When you go behind the scenes, no one will be making assumptions or inferences. Participants won’t be jumping to conclusions about which information is absent from the past or the story's purpose.

Listening is demanding and draining when the backstory is opaque and unclear.

Pause and rewind

A pause and rewind on the discussion can be the most impactful way to listen. With your intention as a listener for honest and curious transparency, the following questions will help the speaker pause and rewind their story to a more appropriate starting point.

Questions to ask

• “When did you first notice…..?”
• “When did the project/issue commence?”
• “Do you mind taking me back to the beginning?”

Exploring the backstory is designed to help them and you to understand the origin, each actor, and their connection.

The backstory is about listening first?for?the backstory, then listening?for their?backstory, and then to help them listen?for their place in?the backstory.

Listening to the backstory is critical to help the speaker connect with the story's past events, milestones, and characters. Asking the speaker to go back to the beginning creates a shared understanding.

When you ask the speaker for the backstory, it helps them to fully explore past events and connections that they may have avoided, forgotten, skipped, or understand and appreciate a different perspective with the passing of time.

The backstory needs to start at the beginning, the very beginning of the issue, not where the speaker starts speaking. The backstory commences much earlier than where the speaker usually begins.

There are many places to start when you think about the story's beginning. A skillful listener will probe for the backstory most beneficial for the speaker to ensure the conversation is clear and connected.

?

Questions you might experiment with this week

?1.?????During a discussion with one other person, ask the speaker,?”Do you mind taking me back to when you first noticed this? ”

2.?????During group meetings, ask the speaker the same question: ”Do you mind taking me back to when you first noticed this? ”

?3.?????In group meetings, keep a count of the number of times a speaker starts a significant explanation of the issue commencing in the present rather than outlining the backstory.

[i] If you want to listen to the full discussion with Simon -?Three practical ways listen when you disagree fiercely – Simon Greer