Food Review: French Laundry or Chuck-E-Cheese? It Depends....

A food review, based on economics, by a low brow, but economically rational and objective consumer:

 My name is Amol Deshpande and I have a wife and 2 children (both boys, 5 and 7 respectively) who are great fun, with big personality and always mean well. Also, I have to credit them with tolerating my rather narrow and simple minded tastes, not just in food, but in everything. Nonetheless, recently, I was forced against my will to attend a dinner at the French Laundry. While at this dinner, which had many courses and was 4 hours long, my kids had a friend over for a sleepover and were attended to by a highly trusted babysitter.  Also, while we dined at French Laundry, the kids went to Chuck-E-Cheese with their friend, who is a 5th grader, which was the best thing that ever happened to my 1st grade/Pre-school kids as their older friend took pity and actually was super friendly to them.   More on this soon. 

 The French Laundry is a world class restaurant that was started by Chef Thomas Keller. Sometimes it takes months or years to get a reservation. To my dismay, my wife managed to get one rather quickly. Why do I say I was forced against my will? Well, my favorite dining establishments are Little Caesars Pizza and Burger King. You see, I am a “value" driven consumer. 

 To properly understand the French Laundry, you have to understand the price of dining there. It is not cheap. Its on the order of $500-1000/head.  And that’s if you are reasonable about your wine consumption. That is the equivalent of up to 150 meals at Little Caesars or Burger King.  Also, I am not sure if French Laundry has a Coke Freestyle machine but I did not ask due to fear of being judged by my waiter who’s intellect and knowledge of high culture far exceeded my own.  The French Laundry requires you to wear a jacket and you cannot wear sneakers. The utility of my current wardrobe was very limited.  

 Nonetheless I sucked it up and went.  Immediately, I could tell this place knew its trade.  Its quaint and you can barely see the sign from the road. The restaurant is on a quiet street in Yountville, CA which is a small town in Napa Valley, one of the most fascinating agricultural regions in the world.  The service at French Laundry was incredible. I have to tell you, they take great care to make sure the experience doesn’t have flaws. The host desk, the waiters/waitresses were outstanding.  Also, contrary to my expectations, it wasn’t snobby. I mean relatively speaking. It wasn’t snobby relative to any other high end restaurant one might attend. 

 The food was a series of courses, I think 6-7 in all.  The salad were decadent.  The meat was incredible.  They had a vegetarian menu but I view it as sort of absurd. Why the hell would you go to a restaurant like this to eat vegetables?  That said, the vegetables were good and apparently grown in a small private farm outside the restaurant. The art of the food was amazing. The colors, the tastes, all in relatively small bites.   Even the more basic items were really tasty. At one point they brought out a pretzel. It was the best pretzel I ever ate. I calculated that it cost me $30 or so for that pretzel, pictured below. The pork dish and the king crab dish were the best in my opinion. In fact, those were the best 3 bites of pork I have ever had in my life. Dessert was good across the board and they didn’t cheat you on the portions, at least on that course. 

Despite my skeptical view and bias going in, I was impressed.  Was it worth $500/head? I daresay it would have been, but for…. opportunity cost. Let me explain.

 Remember how I said my kids went to Chuck-E-Cheese (“CEC”) with their 5th grade friend while we were at French Laundry?  Well, I have to admit I love CEC. Yes, a rat sponsors your pizza at this place, but I still like it.  I would be lying if I said 1:1 I would replace the experience of going to French Laundry with going to CEC on any given night.  I have been to CEC many times, and will go many more. But when I heard what happened that night, I felt I had missed something my juvenile sense of humor would have valued for the rest of my life. 

You see, while my kids were at Chuck-E-Cheese, the cotton candy machine exploded (as it was graphically described to me).  I mean, it really exploded. The fire department had to come to make sure everything was ok.  At first glance you might say that is horrifying, but nobody was hurt and actually there were many fun pictures from the episode. From what I am told kids were fighting each other for a piece of the action, sort of like a frantic mob or something. For me, given what I value, being at Chuck-E-Cheese the day the cotton candy machine exploded is better than any meal I can get anywhere in the world.  So, for this reason, I would say while my dining experience at French Laundry was first class, I would still have preferred the alternative, economically speaking. 

Ultimately, we all value different things in life. Yes, my tastes are unrefined and I guess they haven’t changed much since I was a kid. I really do respect people with knowledge of culture and fine dining even though I don’t fully understand it.  But on this particular night, as it turns out, Chuck-E-Cheese was more memorable than French Laundry.