Creating when you Can’t

Life as a creative living with MS

On my birthday last year, having the intention to take photos around the city, I awoke unable to use my right hand, barely able to walk. Having lived with MS for 7 years, I knew that moving — despite how much I wanted to, would only bring more pain. In this acute moment of paranoia, a fire was instilled in me — never to let anything beat me. This stirring fire has driven me to grow stronger and be a better man.

I got out of bed and the first thing and went directly for my camera to see how to use it with this ailment at my fingertips. Grabbing the camera in the usual way, I almost dropped it to the ground (shit, that would’ve been bad for any camera). Managing to hold onto it and gripping it as any photographer would to preparing to take some photographs, I could barely even pull the shutter.

Things were not looking good. After about a month of staying in bed to regain strength, I spent the time in search of any alternative creative outlet. Upstairs at my desk, I attempted to write, holding the pencil tightly between my shaking fingers.

Another few months go by with similar issues of not being able to hold onto things for too long and still not being able to write with a pen or pencil. Being a graphic designer almost full time, I had to figure out how to keep some of my gigs despite this predicament.

I went ahead and opened up my design softwares and willing my body to just try. My right hand was immediately in major pain just from trying. I finally had to accept the reality that my left hand, normally used for other things, would need to take over dominant tasks.

My first design was just something out of the blue — definitely not up to my standards, uninspired, dispassionate, and lost in a limbo of the pixels. I knew this wasn’t me.

Stepping outside into the summer heat to get some fresh air, I stretched my hands out touching my fingertips to my thumb. Back and forth, again and again. Breathing deep breaths, I went back inside to prepare a cup of coffee.

The grinding of the coffee helped flex my hands yet again which was nice, albeit, not easy in the slightest. I poured the hot water over the freshly ground coffee and waited for my next attempt at the designing with my left.

With the coffee finished I jumped back to my laptop ready to go after creating something. This time I had a better mindset of how I could use my left hand to move across the trackpad while my right hand could hold any necessary keys. This was a step forward! Holy shit; I could do SOME things on here that I couldn’t do before — still not much, but something is better than nothing.

At month 5 of not functioning like before, I kept at it, making small and meaningful adjustments to improve the efficiency and quality of my new system. This system enabled me to be able to use my tools as best I could. Using a monopod helped me hold my camera up while I steadied my hand to pull the shutter. Using my computer mostly with the left-handed system that I had discovered those months ago and was consistently delivering fresh designs for my clients.

We’re almost a year beyond that 5-month mark and now I am able to type at almost 100+ words per minute with both hands, I am able to draw, sketch and write on my iPad Pro with an Apple Pencil and a papered texture screen protector. I no longer worry about my hands going back to that place simply because I’ve been able to draw from the weakness and turn it into a strength.

Even when I couldn’t move like I used to, and function like a normal creative would, I kept that fire burning even when it hurt. If you are feeling low and like you can’t get beyond something, read this story over and over again until you understand that the journey is different for all of us. It may not be easy, but all challenges can be overcome if you set your vision in service of your passion, and make small and meaningful steps to get there.

I can draw again using my iPad Pro and Apple Pencil — like the good old days ?