?? Creating True Belonging doesn’t happen by Accident

Imagine you’ve just received an invitation to a dinner party from a colleague. It’s at their home, and you’re looking forward to connecting with new people. You arrive at the house, feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness.

No Place at the Table ??

You walk into the dining room and see a beautiful setup—a long table with glasses, plates, and candles. But as you look around, you realize there isn’t a chair for you. Everyone else is already seated, engaged in conversation, and it’s unclear where you’re supposed to go.

For a moment, you feel a bit awkward, standing there with nowhere to sit. You start to wonder if they forgot you or if they even expected you to come. A wave of discomfort washes over you as if you're an outsider intruding on an established group.

The host notices you standing by the door and quickly jumps up. “Oh, I’m so sorry! I forgot to grab an extra chair.” They bring over a chair and pull it up right next to them, making sure you’re comfortably seated.

Now that you’re seated, you start to relax. You’re no longer on the sidelines; you’re part of the table. You can engage with others, and the simple act of having a place to sit reminds you that you were, indeed, invited.

Feeling Left Out ??

As you settle into your seat, you realize that while you have a place at the table, everyone is already in deep conversation with each other. They’re talking about past parties and shared experiences you weren’t a part of. You’re listening, but it’s hard to feel like you belong in the discussion. You sit quietly, unsure how to jump in without disrupting the flow, and you start feeling invisible as if you’re merely there to fill a spot.

After a few minutes, the host glances over and notices you’re not engaged. With a warm smile, they say, “Hey, everyone, I want to introduce you to my colleague. We met at work, and they have the most interesting ideas on community building and fostering genuine connections.” They ask you a question, invite you to share a little about yourself, and encourage others to ask questions, too.

Now, instead of just sitting at the table, you’re part of the conversation. Others ask follow-up questions, and you feel genuinely welcome. You realize that you’re not just filling a seat—you’re here because they want you to be here.

Still Holding Back ??

As the night goes on, you’re engaged in the conversations, but you find yourself holding back a bit. The discussion is lively, but you’re unsure if it’s safe to share your unique views or personal stories. You wonder if you should stick to neutral, safe topics to avoid standing out too much.

Then, the host shares a story from their own life, something a bit personal and vulnerable. They talk about a recent challenge they faced, sharing openly with warmth and humour. This shift in tone creates a more relaxed atmosphere, and you notice others start sharing more openly, too. The host then turns to you and asks, “What’s something you’re proud of that not many people know?”

Feeling inspired by the host’s openness, you decide to share a personal story that reflects your true self. You feel safe expressing your unique perspectives, realizing that it’s okay to go beyond small talk. Your story is met with genuine interest and appreciation, and you feel free to be your authentic self without holding back.

A Sense of Belonging ??

Now that you’re sharing authentically, the conversation flows naturally. You start to feel deeply connected to the group, and people are truly engaging with your contributions. At one point, you make a comment that sparks laughter and curiosity, and others follow up with appreciation and questions that show they value your perspective.

The host raises a glass and toasts to the unique perspectives everyone brings, including a special mention of something you shared. “I’m so grateful to have Jan here tonight. The stories you brought to our conversations really moved me.” This simple acknowledgment makes you feel seen, appreciated, and genuinely valued by the group.

You feel a warmth spread through you as you realize that you belong—not just as a participant, but as someone who is truly valued for who you are. You feel connected, respected, and grateful to be part of a group that celebrates you just as you are.

Belonging is something we all crave, but creating a genuine sense of belonging—where people feel truly seen, valued, and connected—doesn’t happen by accident.

It takes intention and thoughtful actions to make everyone feel included, respected, and embraced for who they are.

As part of teaching 10 cohorts of my Virtual Facilitator Training, I started working on a framework to guide leaders, hosts, and facilitators through a step-by-step approach that ensures no one feels left out or sidelined.

I just rediscovered it this morning when looking through my old notes and realized that this could fit perfectly into my book about Ice Melters.

The Journey to Belonging framework recognizes the subtle but essential stages that people move through as they transition from feeling like an outsider to feeling like a valued part of the group. When you consciously consider these stages, you can:

• Prevent exclusion: Ensuring that everyone has a place and is included from the start.
• Foster safety: Creating a supportive environment where people feel safe to be themselves.
• Build authentic connections: Helping people feel valued not just for their presence, but for their unique contributions.
• Encourage full participation: Making sure that every voice is heard and appreciated, leading to more engaged, collaborative, and harmonious groups.
• And create experiences where everyone feels a true sense of connection and belonging.

The 4 Stages of the Journey to Belonging

Learn how these small but meaningful actions can transform a gathering from just another event to a space where everyone truly belongs:

1. Accessibility – “I am able to participate.”

Your Objective:

Eliminate barriers to ensure everyone has the tools and accommodations needed to participate fully.

Example:

Imagine a Deaf participant attending a meeting without captions or someone joining without necessary accommodations. They’re present but unable to engage equally, missing key points and feeling isolated. By the end, they feel frustrated, unseen, and undervalued—leading to lasting feelings of exclusion.

What You Can Do:

1. Ask in Advance: Use intake forms to identify accessibility needs early.
2. Choose Accessible Tools: Use platforms with features like captions.
3. Provide Additional Support: Consider interpreters, visual aids, or other resources to ensure full engagement.

2. Inclusion – “I am invited and welcomed.”

Your Objective:

Make sure everyone feels genuinely welcomed and invited to participate in the group’s interactions.

Example:

A new team member joins a group discussion, but no one acknowledges them or includes them in the conversation. They feel invisible, as though their presence doesn’t matter, which leads to feelings of disconnection and hesitation to contribute.

What You Can Do:

1. Actively Welcome: Personally greet new participants and introduce them to others.
2. Engage Early: Invite new members to share their thoughts or ask questions to help them feel included.
3. Set the Tone: Create an atmosphere where everyone is encouraged to contribute and feel a part of the group.

3. Psychological Safety – “I feel safe to be myself and contribute authentically.”

Your Objective:

Create an environment where people feel safe to express their true selves and share unique perspectives without fear of judgment.

Example:

A team member wants to share a unique idea but feels hesitant, fearing it might not align with the group’s usual style. They hold back to avoid standing out, leading to guarded interactions and missed opportunities for authentic connection.

What You Can Do:

1. Model Vulnerability: Share your own experiences or ideas openly to set an example.
2. Encourage Open Dialogue: Emphasize that diverse perspectives are valued and respected.
3. Establish Trust: Reinforce a culture of respect, where people feel safe to contribute without fear of judgment.

4. Belonging – “I am accepted, valued, and my contributions are celebrated.”

Your Objective:

Foster a culture where each person’s unique contributions are acknowledged, appreciated, and celebrated.

Example:

A team member shares an idea but is met with silence or a lack of response. They feel overlooked and discouraged from contributing further, which undermines their sense of connection and value within the group.

What You Can Do:

1. Acknowledge Contributions: Show genuine interest in everyone’s input and thank them for their ideas.
2. Celebrate Uniqueness: Encourage and highlight diverse perspectives, showing appreciation for unique contributions.
3. Create Feedback Loops: Actively listen and respond to contributions, reinforcing each person’s value to the group.

Moving From Exclusion to True Belonging

Each stage on The Journey to Belonging represents a crucial step in fostering an inclusive culture. When you neglect even one stage, people feel disconnected, misunderstood, or undervalued, which can lead to disengagement, isolation, and, ultimately, a lack of commitment to the group.

By consciously addressing each stage, you can create a space where people not only feel accepted but are also empowered to bring their whole selves to the table.

PS: Do you want more inspiration like this in your inbox every Monday morning?

Currently, I am writing my first book on increasing engagement, trust and connection in groups - without making people cringe.

To hold myself accountable, I decided to share an idea from the book with a small group of people every Monday.? If you're curious, you can learn more about that here: https://www.icemeltersbook.com