Creating Rapport - Even with people you can't stand

A few years ago, I was meant to interview James Corden (carpool karaoke anyone?) at a business conference in Los Angeles. I had prepared all my witty introductions, clever questions about his negotiation habits, and more. It was going to be great.

About an hour before the interview, the conference organizers told me that James wasn’t coming because his wife had to go to the hospital and that I was going to be on the stage with Charlie Sheen instead. I froze.

While I had been a big fan of Two and a Half Men as a teenager, the things he has been known for since triggered everything but positive feelings in me for this person.

I panicked. What should I say to this man whose behavior and reputation I wanted nothing to do with?

Once I had moved past my initial shock, I looked at the advice I give to negotiators who are faced with a counterpart they do not like or get along with well:

Look for commonalities and things you can appreciate, no matter how small.

I thought long and hard. Did we have ANYthing in common?? I didn't think so.

But eventually, I found something. It was risky and cheeky. But I figured risky and cheeky was exactly what this situation called for.

See for yourself:

You can see how nervous I was.

But it worked!

We got a big laugh from the 2,500 people staring at us in anticipation.

To this day, I still can't believe I said this to him. But he was a good sport, and it sure did break the ice, got us going with a laugh, and made the audience comfortable. And I could take it from there.

In a negotiation, you cannot allow your personal feelings to influence your chances of getting a good deal.

Here are the two tips I have for negotiators who find themselves with a counterpart they are having difficulty connecting with:

?

1. Find something about them that you can appreciate

This can be hard - but try harder! There has to be something about that person that you can relate to, that is good, that is a silver lining. Nobody is all evil. It could be things they have done in the past (Two and Half Men was pretty cool when I was a teenager) or something where taking their perspective helps you appreciate why they might act the way they are acting.

Say you are negotiating with a counterpart who seems to have all kinds of unreasonable demands that they are trying to push. Try to imagine the kind of pressure they might be getting from their firm, partner, or client. Then articulate it. Say something like "I was just thinking about this case last night and how tricky it must be on your side as well having to deal with all these conflicting and ever-changing interests". The way you say that matters! Not as a tactic, not condescending, but with true empathy for the situation. This won't change your entire relationship, but it can go a long way in building a bridge to the other person.

Or say your flight gets cancelled and everyone is rushing to the counter to rebook. The staff is overwhelmed and passengers are impatient.?Try for yourself what difference it will make if you approach them with a smile and honest appreciation of what they are trying to do and how hard their job is at the moment. An authentic? "wow, I've been watching you from the back for a while and I am so impressed with what grace you are handling this stressful situation" can change your encounter with that person (and your chances for an upgrade ;) by 180 degrees!

?

1. Find commonalities

Like in my Charlie Sheen situation, it can be hard to find commonalities with people you don’t like. We may also not want to. "I have nothing in common with this person", was the first thing I noticed myself thinking. If we don’t like someone, the last thing we want to think is that we have anything in common.

But chances are that we do! So, if a poor relationship with someone is getting in the way, look out for them. I have seen people who do not speak with each other suddenly bond over the most random things! Like their love for durian (a smelly and very polarizing fruit in Asia), or their passion for fine wines where suddenly they can one-up each other (hey, at least they are talking), or their daughters both being semi-professional air rifle shooters training for the Olympics (until last week I had no idea that was even a competitive sport!). From my examples, you see that the more rare the commonality, the stronger the connection. So look for these!

?

I truly believe that whoever it is, no matter how “bad” the situation or connection, if you are determined, you can always find something. And it may not always work or succeed in improving the relationship on the first attempt. But without giving it a try, you have already given up.

Not trying means that you have given away your power to make a positive contribution to that relationship and the possible deal or benefit that can come out of it.

To your negotiation success! ?

Dr. Claudia

Your Negotiation Whisperer

PS: Any questions, examples, or thoughts? Other topics you want to learn about? Comment on the post below and let's talk!

PPS: Find this helpful? Pay it forward and send this link to your friends to sign up for negotiation nuggets.

? 2023 The Negotiation Academy LLC

www.necademy.com

?