Creating intimacy

Hi there ????. Ready to lead? "Acts of Leadership" helps people, (irrespective of title or tenure), expand their leadership range one experiment at a time. Each issue shares a [pro/e]vocative definition of leadership, an idea and an experiment.

Sharing vulnerably

In leadership, how much vulnerability is too much?

If self-disclosure is not within your comfortable range today, where and how can you start?

I've coached close to 2,000 hours, one-to-one, with executives and senior leaders. I know that there's little in leadership that is as activating (triggering) for people as the idea of opening up and modelling vulnerability.

Hell, I almost quit on my first day in the job at the New York Google office when faced with showing my vulnerability to the whole Docs organisation.

Since I began my executive leadership coaching practice I’ve spoken with hundreds of leaders who were grappling with this, as they attempted to build safer team spaces, build trust and initiate a different quality of conversation.

A Definition…

"Leadership is... creating intimacy by sharing vulnerably."

An Idea…

Going first is an act of leadership

If the idea of building intimacy (trust) creates stress for you, know that you are not alone. So first up, just breathe. You're not going to do anything you're not ready for.

Take baby steps.

Practice just 1 small thing on each attempt. Build the muscle.

Setting the tone by sharing vulnerably is one way to model situational humility and develop psychological safety.

Here's what authentic, proportionate, self-disclosure might sound like.

?? "I don't know"

You cannot know everything in this increasingly uncertain world. And, you have a team of brilliant, diverse, creative minds. (You do don't you?)

?? "It's going to be bumpy, and I don't know how it will play out"

Honesty goes a long way, especially when you're not papering over the cracks or offering simple platitudes. Your people are smart and they smell bullshit a mile away.

?? "...and what I do know is...(values/qualities/beliefs)"

Even when everything is changing, some things can be counted on. There can be huge value in sharing what you believe to be true. When it's authentic it gives people something to hold on to.

You can talk from your heart about what continues to get you out of bed in the morning. Or how the reasons you got into this work are still true.

?? "The worst mistake I made was..."

Share a story about a time in the past you got something wrong, and how it played out. This makes it easier for people to relate to you, to see you first as human.

?? "Have you been following the news? Do you know anyone affected?"

Creating space to name what others might be experiencing is a powerful way to acknowledge challenging news, especially when you're able to describe the impact you're experiencing.

?? "I had some bad news recently and I'm finding it difficult today"

Events impact us. We show up differently, with different energy, when we've been unsettled in life. People are smart, especially when it comes to reading others. People see you showing up differently. And when they do, they make up stories about why (humans are meaning-making machines). Those stories are usually about them, and they are seldom good.

Owning and naming how you're doing actually reduces the work that others do in making it up for themselves.

What are some low-cost shares you've witnessed that help lower the barrier to action on self-disclosure?

An Experiment…

You can ease into sharing more openly by playing with these ideas…

?? - share a story from your past of a challenge and how you came through it

?? - practice naming what's in the system/field/room (blurt your intuition)

?? - run a quick body scan and share something you notice from your internal system (how are you feeling right now)

There are two starting points for this type of work.

One is about self-awareness and is doing the work of either noticing or creating, for yourself. Try making some notes as you go.

The second is the step toward action, actually sharing your reflections with others, as suggested above.

Don't wait until you feel confident. Begin before you're ready.

An invitation to explore…

?? TED: The power of vulnerability : Brené Brown [20:02]

?? TED: How vulnerability makes you a better leader : Tracy Young [06:41]

?? TED: The courage to be vulnerale - Lifting the mask on leadership : James Heale [12:33]

?? Web: Say It Skillfully : Molly Tschang : The best resource dedicated to helping you speak up.

Leadership needn't be lonely!

Lead when ready!

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