Create Your Own Reality

Once a month, this newsletter takes a deep dive into a single subject. This month's topic is how to take control of your own reality... to better shape your life's experience.

When I was in The Wharton Graduate School, one of my less traditional courses was called simply “Management.” I say less traditional because we spent much time sitting on the floor, out in the woods, or watching one or more classmates literally run from the room in tears or anger.

On the last day of class, the professor was asking for our comments on the course, trying to discover what, if anything, we had learned during the semester.

When my turn came, I spoke about the time we spent three days in the woods engaged in an imaginary community. During this “exercise,” the professor would occasionally appear to change the rules of the community. My comment was that I wished the rules had changed more often, that we got stuck for too long in unproductive situations.

The professor started jumping up and down, and shouting, “Yes, Yes, Yes!” He slapped his hands on my desk and sort of hugged me. I was just as confused as the rest of the class, but by this point we knew to be patient and wait for his explanation.

Eventually he settled down and said, “This is one of the greatest lessons you can learn. People always look elsewhere for change. They want someone else to change the rules. But in the vast majority of cases, nothing is stopping them from changing things themselves.”

Each of us has a much greater ability to change our reality than we realize.

We talked about this for a while. When things got stuck, could I have changed the rules myself? Could I have convinced others it was time for a change? Or could I have done something dramatic that would have changed the flow of the activity?

Absolutely yes.

Professor Kenwyn Smith dragged out of me all the reasons why I thought it would have been inappropriate to challenge his ground rules, to interrupt his process, or to otherwise take matters into my own hands. He said they were all wrong.

I made a simple and highly common mistake: like the rest of my classmates, I expected change to come from the outside.

Ever since that moment—which is the only time my actions caused a fully grown professor at a prestigious university to jump around like a monkey—I have taken this lesson to heart.

You can change your mindset, your actions or your circumstances. You may not alter significantly the system in which you work, but you can vastly improve the reality of your own existence.

You have a much greater power to instigate change than you might think. The only real question is how much are you willing to pay to produce the change you desire? “Payment” is usually due in terms of time, effort and risk... not in monetary form.

But… how do you do this?

The answer isn’t as simple as the power of positive thinking, Think and Grow Rich, the Law of Attraction, fake it until you make it, or any other pat answer.

To change the world, you must think with focused intention.

This means you must...

• Think the same thing every day
• Fully believe in your thoughts
• Match your actions to your thoughts, and more importantly...
• Feel the way you want to feel once the changes you seek have happened (this is a critical step many people skip)
• Conduct your life in a manner that is congruent with your thoughts

Let's start with a simple, if somewhat dramatic, example. If you thought that a 100' high tidal wave was going to hit your city in the next hour, what would you do? Would you listen to the news and hang around in your home or office?

Hell, no!?

You would gather your loved ones and race to higher ground, even if it meant driving the wrong way down the highway or leaving everything you own on the sideway.

Belief changes everything.

Now let's shift to a more complicated example. If you want to think your way to a more peaceful world, how would you begin?

You'd start, I would hope, by finding peace within yourself. What shifts you towards anger, frustration, envy or even self-criticism? You would need to understand the answers. How can you counterbalance those forces? You're not going to accomplish this by meditating once or writing a few passages in your journal. It will take a ton of consistent effort and focus.

You'd also shift your actions in the real world, perhaps by showing kindness to others whom you fear or dislike. You might skip your luxury vacation and work instead with gang members through a community center.

What? Does working with gang members sound like a crazy thing to do?

Perhaps you don't believe your own thoughts. Did you think it would be easy or trivial to make the world more peaceful?

Powerful thoughts change the world, once they reach a certain consistent intensity. The true test is whether your thoughts are powerful enough to change your own actions.

You've probably heard the story of Scott Harrison, a NYC club promoter who became the founder of the non-profit organization Charity: water. He had the thought to change the direction of his life, and started applying to work at major non-profits. They all turned him down, because of his partying background.

Did he abandon his thought? No, he doubled down on it, kept working until someone said yes, and then expanded his vision once he realized just how great the need was for clean water.

"I was running around telling everybody I wanted to see a world where everybody drank clean water regardless of where they are born," said Harrison via CNBC. He didn't just allow his thought to reside in his head; he shared it with everyone who would listen, including some who weren't inclined to listen.

This is how your thought changes the world: when it is powerful enough that it takes you to northern Uganda and also compels you to sleep on floors while you raise money to help people you don't know.

But wishes that you make while waiting in line at Starbucks? They don't change the world. In most cases, you have forgotten them after a few days or a week.

To change the world, you need persistent and positive thoughts that are strong enough to change your own actions.

In other words, before your thoughts can change the world, they must change you.

**

Each of us holds a power greater than we often realize—the power to shape our reality. This power is not wielded through mere wishful thinking but through the intentional focus of our thoughts, feelings and actions towards the life we aspire to lead. It's about waking up each day with a clear vision, not just of what we want to do, but more importantly, of who we want to be.

1. Who Do I Want to BE?

The first step in creating your own reality is to ask yourself, "Who do I want to be?" This is not about your job, your roles or your activities, but rather about the essence of your character. Do you wish to be kind, compassionate, and understanding… or tenacious, bold, and unyielding? Or perhaps a blend of these qualities? The key is to identify the attributes that resonate most deeply with who you truly are and who you aspire to become.

Studies in positive psychology, such as those conducted by Dr. Martin Seligman, the founder of Positive Psychology, suggest that understanding and developing our character strengths can significantly enhance our well-being and life satisfaction. By focusing on being rather than having, we set a foundation for genuine fulfillment.

For more than a decade, my answer has been: Be generous and expert, trustworthy and clear, open-minded and adaptable, persistent and present.

The point isn’t whether my answer is right or wrong. It’s that I have an answer I can remember, day after day, and year after year. When I stop to consider that sentence, I am comfortable that my actions match my intentions.

2. How do I want to GROW?

Effort is what drives success, not talent. The longer your time frame, the more that effort matters. The world is filled with talented people who have never amounted to much. Never stop learning, never stop trying, and you are 50% of the way there.

Once you've defined your desired state of being, the next question to ponder is, "How do I want to grow?" Growth is a continuous journey that requires you to stretch beyond your comfort zones and embrace new challenges. It might involve acquiring new skills, deepening emotional intelligence or expanding your spiritual awareness.

The concept of growth mindset, introduced by psychologist Carol Dweck, emphasizes the belief that our basic qualities are things we can alter through our efforts. You are not born with a fixed set of skills; you can change in profound ways.

3. Daily Actions Aligned with Being and Growth

The final step is to translate your visions of being and growth into daily actions. "What do I want to do each day?" This question bridges the gap between aspiration and reality. It's about aligning your daily actions with the qualities and growth you've identified as essential. This could mean setting aside time for meditation or self-reflection, engaging in acts of kindness, pursuing learning opportunities or any other activities that reflect your desired state of being and growth.

Integrating your answers to the first two questions into your daily life is akin to planting seeds of intention. Over time, with consistent care and attention, these seeds will grow into the reality you've envisioned for yourself. The key is consistency and alignment; every action, no matter how small, should be a step towards the reality you wish to create.

In closing, "Create your own reality" is not just a catchy phrase—it's a call to action. It's an invitation to take charge of your life by mindfully choosing who you want to be, how you wish to grow, and what you do each day. Remember, the reality you create is a reflection of your inner world. By focusing your intention and aligning your actions with your deepest values, you possess the power to transform not only your life but the world around you.

HOW TO MAKE EVEN MORE PROGRESS: I now have an online course, Begin Your Life Again. It will take you about two hours to complete and includes seven of my videos. In addition, as a member of this course, you will be invited to attend live monthly conversations that I lead around this topic; these conversations are limited to people enrolled in this course.