The Crappy Handbook of LinkedIn Profile Pics

Planet LinkedIn is a daunting one, full of trolls, sex pests, connect-&-sell types, grammar police, 'influencers', recruitment warriors, religious activists, ego massagers, and Oleg sympathisers.

But, after many months of searching, I’ve finally found a way to cut through all the noise: the LinkedIn profile pic.

It’s like a tiny window into the soul and, if you know what you’re looking for, it’ll give you a quick snapshot of the person you’re connecting with, long before they have chance to populate your feed with utter drivel.

If you reckon I’ve missed any, feel free to add your own in the comments.

The Stiffy.

You know this particular user is rocking a ‘stiffy’ on their LI profile when every single one of their colleagues has the same setup. It’s the corporate equivalent of ‘photo day’ at school. They might be as dry as a spreadsheet when in work, but probably inject heroin into their eyeballs at the weekend.

 The Act Natural.

You know the one. Their mate taking the photo said something like, “Don’t look at the camera. It’ll make it look natural, as though you didn’t know I was taking a photo.”

But you did know. That’s why it’s on your LinkedIn profile, and looks about as natural as a plastic banana. 

The Piss Head.

You can tell the piss heads on LinkedIn, because the best picture they could find for their profile is them, half-baked, on a night out. Other tell-tale signs are the fact that they’ve clearly cropped their mate out of the pic, have an alcoholic beverage in hand, or their eyes look as though they've rubbed them with a Brillo pad.

 The Hyena.

The profile pic of a person who laughs so hard and often, that they didn’t have time in between laughing, to take a normal photograph.

The AA (Adrenaline Accountant).

The type of image used by someone with a really boring job, who wants to show everyone that their life is nowhere near as boring as everyone thinks it is because they went snowboarding. Once.

 The Celebrity.

OK. We get it. You’ve been on telly. Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean you’re good at your job. Piers Morgan’s on telly. Donald Trump's always on telly. Now, you're on telly. I'm getting rid of my telly.

The Planet Head.

A profile pic taken far too close to the person, where their face consumes every inch of space. Presumably, these users are ensuring that those with poor eyesight can see them clearly. How admirable. I doff my hat.

The Wedding Crasher.

An upgrade from the ‘Piss Head’. This individual took one look through their Facebook pictures for a suitable LinkedIn mugshot, and realised that the only one that makes them appear semi-professional is one taken at their mate’s wedding. Unless they actually wear a buttonhole to work. In which case, they should get in the sea.

The Slogger.

This person is soooooooooo busy, they had to email their assistant to take their profile picture whilst they continued to work. Either that, or they set their camera timer, and pretended to be snowed under. I’m going to say the latter.

The Digital Guru.

"I got someone in my team to illustrate my profile pic because we're digital, we have team meetings on beanbags, and we don't wear socks." Shit me. Proper edgy, you lot. I bet you use beard oil, and drink session ales too, right?

The Michael Jackson.

It doesn't matter if you're black or white, but it does matter that you're black and white. *Takes a selfie* "God, I look ugly there." *Adds a black and white filter* "I literally fancy myself."

The Dr. Dolittle.

"See guys, I'm not the arsehole of a HR director that you think I am. I have a little doggy, and I even feed it sometimes." Oh right. Well, you've changed my mind. Wait, why are you laughing? That's not even a real dog, is it? It's a HR assistant in a costume, isn't it?

The Captain TEDx.

A leader of men. A revolutionary. An entrepreneurial renegade. Wait a second. Didn't I see you on one of those shitty startup panels where you harped on about how cool failure was, and told the audience that, to be a better them, they have to be more like you?

The Tough Mudder.

Woah. You've done tough mudder? Well, why didn't you say? I don't even care what product or service you're pedalling, I'm buying. Only a real legend does Tough Mudder. It's not like 99% of the population have done it too.

The Ugly Duckling.

There's a reason people don't have a profile pic. I'm connected with a guy who fell from a tree, nosedived a porcupine, rolled off a cliff smashing his mug into every rock on the way down, fell into the sea and had his face chewed by a shark. All that's left protruding from the neck hole in his shirt nowadays, is a ragged meat-bag with eyes. No one wants to see that on the daily.

The Fragrance Advert.

“I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my…” Put it back on, mate. Seriously. Put it back on. This user rocks the type of profile pic that you'd expect to see on Instagram, hashtagged up and getting likes off 18-year-olds. #linkedinstagram

The Globe Trotter.

Generally in a really cushy job via one of Daddy’s golf club friends, this type of user normally starts every conversation with the words, “When I was on my gap yah…”

So, there you go. A daft insight into the users of LinkedIn via the profile pic. Have a scroll through your feed and see how many you can spot. More importantly, which one are you? There are loads more categories, so feel free to add any that I've missed in the comments.