The Cracks

In the last weeks, I've come to a realisation about myself, and as I write this, I don't know if this will make any sense since I'm still understanding it. Let me try, at least.

As I continue working on developing my company and the services I provide, my role as a board member, and the other initiatives I support, I am exploring the delicate dance between work and private life. A few people in my very close circle gave me feedback that they didn't know who the real me was. Or more, they missed a 'part' of me when I was with them.?

My first reaction was to dismiss this, and I felt like the others didn't understand me. But the more I reflect on it, the more I become aware of what they observe.?

So what is it that happened? I haven't completely figured this part out, but I do realise there is a persona that I developed these last years. Probably out of the need, survival and what life expects from me. A persona I am supposed to be; A persona that is kind, nice, harmonious and always listening. That persona has time for everyone and will say yes to every project because I want to be of service to every good cause or struggling question out there. That persona will sacrifice sleep and peace of mind to get it all done, even if the day and hours don't allow it. That persona is even the one who shares messages online with the wish to uphold a particular image. Persona can sometimes be synonymous with ego, but not all the time since I know there is a more profound sense of service, no ego there too.?

The problem with this persona is that I know I can no longer listen, or not as well, to what is happening within me. For the past months, I have 'felt' less. By feeling, I mean that deeper part of me that feels what I want, how I want things and where I want to go. It is that part that is approached that can express a strong emotion. This part of me is numb, and I can't get there as readily. I do all the functionalities in life, work, home and all the formalities from an automated place. Yet what I feel inside, a place I cherish, where my inspiration and often creative ideas come from, has been a bit dormant.?

Here is the irony. I tap into this place when I moderate an event, facilitate a team session or speak. I become more me than sometimes in social settings. Something about being bare naked in front of a group puts me in a situation where all I can be is me. Yet, I'm in my head in other conditions, and being aware of the social constructs prohibits a part of me from expressing myself. This same behaviour keeps me from tapping into that deeper part of me. The emotion, the intuition and the self.?

I don't think this is an easy fix; I know some cracks are coming. The other day, while on the phone with one of my best friends, I got emotional, as I am now typing this since I started to feel again. I allowed myself to let go of the rest and go to that place where I knew things felt real. He listened, and I realised then that this was a crack. This crack let something out. There is more to explore here. While I know this is a journey, I also want to get to the core impatiently. It's a painful 'who am I' process I choose to go through. Again. Even now, I sigh a little while thinking about it. But just like a cold shower, it always sucks, but you'll feel better after that.?

I share this now to open a more 'real' conversation. What if I go beyond automation and tap into what lies beneath? This is what I'll be practising. With the few people close to me with whom I've talked, there is mention of self-love, family constellations at play here, and a deeper part of getting to know myself even better. All are very much on point and overlapping in what this is about.?

Let it also be true that I am grateful for my life, my daughter, and those close to me. And not to mention the unique and impactful work I get to do. I count my blessing as often as I can, as I am now, that my life is full and with more than I could have dreamed of. My eyes are wide open with aspirations for the future, yet I also know the only way to get there is to go deeper.?

Leonard Cohen said it once very well "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."

Cheers to all the little cracks, and I hope for more.?