On crabs

How would a mature society look like in which men and crabs are segregated? During a conversation with my wife, Beata Staszyńska-Hansen, we established that it suffices to look at Poland – both present-day and the historic People’s Republic.

In Western Europe, there is no established mode for humans to deal with crabs yet. It is not that long ago that the crabs were still considered human. The humans have not decided whether the current segregation is to be permanent. There still is a flicker of goodwill among humans towards the crabs, although often, like in the Netherlands, it is goodwill tainted with condescendence.

In Poland there is an established mode: from time to time humans throw morsels of bait into the bucket to keep the crabs busy. The crabs in the bucket are disciplined. They do not fight it out amongst themselves. They collaborate it out. The crabs that dance the best when the humans tell them to dance win out. The crabs are so well trained that they even dance when they think humans want them to dance but haven’t given the command yet. The crabs dance automatically, all the time. “It is one of the thousands of details that guarantee [them] a relatively tranquil life "in harmony with society," as they say.”

Aleksandr Zinoviev describes how the crabs behave among themselves in a mature, segregated society: they lick upwards and kick downwards. The dancing crabs try to eliminate the competing crabs by making them stumble while keeping a permanent, satisfied smile directed at the humans. Czes?aw Mi?osz describes this state eloquently: “Proper reflexes at the proper moment became truly automatic. All people act and think in the same way; they are modest, industrious and satisfied with what the state gives them. ... observing carefully and reporting actions of other people to the authorities.”

Although the thinkers and quotes above refer to the era of actually existing socialism, they easily apply to current-day Poland too. Whatever the ruling party, humans rule and crabs dance.