COVID Meditations: Cooling the flames of Anger

Unexploded Time Bomb

It is okay if we have an anger outburst now and then. It often allows us to express something important that has been suppressed. It can even be effective if it is brief, expressed at the right moment, aimed at the correct target. 

The simple reason to take anger seriously is that it may be the only signal that we are being injured or will be injured soon – it can help us preserve our mind and body / our “Self”, it can help us safeguard self-respect. In this sense, anger, like sadness, joy, disgust, and fear, is a messenger. With mindfulness and meditation, we can observe our mind and body during the state of anger, develop some distance, and thereby have better success in understanding its message – the message being to take steps to protect ourselves from injury. The problem is the anger-messenger comes in a storm and if we don’t let the storm pass, it has the destructive potential to leave relationships in ruins by causing us to say things that we would not say in calmer states. Its redemptive quality is not easy to harness but with effort and diligence, with regular meditation practice, it can be.

Unfortunately, many of us become angry not in reaction to actual danger or even hypothetical danger. Most of the situations making us angry are actually situations that are making us feel insecure or afraid and we are impatient with such feelings and irritations. Our mind may tell us that we are reacting to disrespect – but upon closer look – the problem was more about misunderstanding and miscommunication or simply two imperfect humans being emotional and immature. Anger, if not pulled back in such situations, may cause a tear in the fabric of our relationships that will take even more effort to heal. Then, our shame will cause us to paradoxically become even more angry so that we can justify our initial over-reaction. Meditation helps us recognize that self-respect stems from ourselves – not other’s behavior towards us. If we respect ourselves, if we are strong enough to take responsibility for our own life – then the situations that would cause us to feel disrespected won’t even matter. Then, you would be right in saying that when the other person “disrespects” you, that behavior reflects more on who that person is then about you.

When we are angry, if we can be aware that we are angry (meditation helps us become aware), then we can ask ourselves – what injustice is happening now that is making me angry? Our rage provides strength to indignation and motivates us to fight injustice. Except in situations of immediate danger, the energy anger generates needs to be channeled into dogged pursuit of justice.

Many are living with suppressed anger – not just for a few years but even decades, even a lifetime. This is unfortunate as we have everything within us that is needed to cool the fires of the anger within us. All we have to do is accept this truth and we are on our way. 

Suppressed anger becomes poison, causing depression in some. Depression may be lesser of the two evil – the other being that rage within will cause them to destroy, even kill others. Depression often manifests, especially in men, as addiction – to work, sex, food, alcohol, gambling, drugs.

Suppressed rage makes some individuals obnoxious and impossible to live with or even be with. The seeds of rage in such individuals are often sown by trauma (generally in childhood). In a few individuals, anger becomes so strong that its poison makes them outright toxic – cynical, vindictive, hateful, mean, spiteful, resentful, full of grudge and distrust, cruel, sadistic, and callous. 

An angry outburst may provide some relief and even clear any misunderstandings between two souls. The trouble comes when a part of us, for reasons that often are not easy to understand, nurses and stokes the flames of anger – through angry thoughts and false beliefs.    

Next time when you are angry, ask yourself – what is really bothering me? Why is my mind and body reacting this strongly? Is it fear? Am I feeling unsafe? Is it lack of control? 

Please, let us not let rage consume us – annihilate hope in us. 

Inspired by: Ursula K Le Guin, in her essay, “About Anger” in her book No Time to Spare: Thinking About What Matters.

Mindful Way through Anger

“When we are full of anger, it is because we are suffering deeply. We have to go to a friend who practices mindfulness, and, ask how to practice in order to transform the anger, the despair in us.”

-       Thich Nhat Hanh 

Mindfulness exercises during experiences of anger:

Phrase/Mantra Repetition

Sit comfortably. 

Close your eyes (it is okay to keep your eyes open).

Take a deep breath.

Repeat softly in your mind, “Breathing in, I bring relief to my pain. Breathing out, I release my anger or resentment.”

When your mind gets lost in thoughts, gently bring it back to the repetition of the phrases.

Do this for at least five minutes.

Open your eyes and smile (a fake smile is okay).

Note: Other phrases (e.g., “I am not a bad person; I am a good person,” “I am not what the other person claims I am,” “Breathing in, I breathe in God’s love for me. Breathing out, I release my pain and hurt feelings,” “Breathing in, I cool my anger. Breathing out, I send love and forgiveness to the person who has hurt me,” “I am strong, I am fearless, I am patient, I am kind,” “I am slow to anger, quick to forgive,” “Only strong minds forgive, I am strong, I forgive”) may also be appropriate. Choose a phrase that you find most useful. Usually it is the one that counteracts negative schemas* and automatic negative thoughts. Feel free to modify any of the above exercises to fit the needs of your mind and body (e.g., timing the phrase with your breathing, soothing music in the background, applying soothing lavender lotion to yourself while doing these exercises, sipping something soothing while doing these exercises, stretching your muscles or doing yoga while doing these exercises).

*Schemas are strongly held beliefs that we have about ourselves, others, and the world in general. Negative schemas form early in life and remain stable throughout adulthood. They are due to negative or traumatic experiences in childhood. Negative schemas include feeling that one is unlovable, unworthy, unloved, worthless, insignificant, weak, “bad,” a failure; feeling that others are untrustworthy, devious, harsh, selfish, mean, “bad,” unforgiving, narcissistic, abusive, nasty, liars; that life “sucks,” that the whole world is mean, selfish and cruel; that love doesn’t exist, that you cannot trust anyone, that no one cares, etc. Negative schemas can be weakened with mindfulness exercises and/or psychotherapy. 

Breathe, Reflect, and Respond (BRR, as in Burrrr): Anger Management

When experiencing strong feelings of anger, say aloud or in your mind, BRR.

It’s a reminder (cue) to: breathe, reflect, and respond.

You can also say to yourself: Just breathe, don’t react. Just breathe, don’t open your mouth. Focus on breathing. One – breathe in; Two – breathe out; Three – breathe in; Four – breathe out…

Alternatively, take a deep breath. 

Repeat in your mind: Pause, reflect, and then respond.

Don’t react. Pause, reflect, and then respond.

Just breathe. Don’t react. 

Pause, reflect, and then respond.

It is important to remind ourselves that almost all reactivity when under the influence of anger is destructive (sometimes in big ways). Relationships are fragile, and, doing the repair work after having a tear in a relationship because of angry reaction is much harder than developing the skill to PRR.

It is also important to remind ourselves that when we are angry, we are deeply suffering. It is important to have compassion for ourselves. 

Anger-Reduction Meditation Exercise

A monk decides to meditate alone, away from the monastery. He takes a boat out to the middle of the lake, moors it there, closes his eyes, and begins to meditate.

After a few hours of undisturbed silence, he suddenly feels the bump of another boat colliding with his. With his eyes still closed, he senses his anger rising, and by the time he opens his eyes, he is ready to scream at the boatman who dared disturb his meditation.

But when he opens his eyes, he sees it’s an empty boat that probably became untethered and floated to the middle of the lake.

At that moment, the monk achieves self-realization and understands that the anger is within him; it merely needed the bump of an external object to provoke it.

From then on, whenever he comes across someone who irritates him or provokes him to anger, he reminds himself, “The other person is merely an empty boat. The anger is within me.”

-       Anonymous

Anger-Reduction Meditation Exercise (ARME, as in army ?)

When you notice that you are angry, close your eyes (keeping eyes open is also okay) and take a deep breath.

Recollect this story of the monk and the empty boat. Say in your mind, “The situation/person is merely an empty boat. The anger is within me. Let me take this opportunity to breathe some of it out.”

As you inhale, say in your mind, “I now have less anger within me.”

As you breathe out, say, “I am releasing some of my anger.”

Do this for a minute or more. Open your eyes and smile.

Source: Book – One Day Mindfulness Millionaire: A light-hearted primer for the uninitiated. By Abhilash Desai MD and Faith Galliano Desai PhD. https://store.bookbaby.com/book/one-day-mindfulness-millionaire  

Simple Quotes Reflection Meditation Exercises

Please pick one of these quotes, read it mindfully (slowly, with your full attention and you’re your heart), take in the words and the wisdom, and do SQRME (pronounced squirmy ?)

Anger is experience of a huge creative urge gone into reverse

            Poet May Sarton

Anger is often an alluring substitute for grieving, granting us an illusion of agency.

            Philosopher Martha Nussbaum

Anger is often the deepest form of compassion. The internal living flame of anger always illuminates what we belong to, what we wish to protect and what we are willing to hazard ourselves for.

            Poet David Whyte

Four Types of Anger – The Great Zen Master Seung Sahn-Soen

Attached anger – we are so attached / hijacked by anger that we take hours or days to get over it and even after that, spend time justifying it and avoiding any efforts to understand the underlying causes.

Reflected anger – we get angry for a few minutes to an hour and then settle down and acknowledge the underlying pain we are experiencing and then engage in efforts to understand the underlying causes.

Perceived anger – we feel angry inside us but are able to not show it or show it in a compassionate manner. We are then able to easily engage in efforts to understand the causes underlying our anger.

Loving anger – anger only on the outside to help other people – “you must do this” – but no anger on the inside. This is true Love-Mind.

Through meditation, we can help ourselves move from attached anger to reflected anger to perceived anger to moments of loving anger. Only a few great souls reach the highest level – Loving anger for sustained periods.

Namaste