Covid Diaries 2021 Part 2 - My ICU experience

Covid Diaries 2021 – The Covid ICU experience - ???? (Navras) - 9 emotions 

?This is the 2nd diary entry. The 1st one is available on the following link.

https://www.dhirubhai.net/posts/abhijit-bhave-2b85926_slrahejahospital-activity-6800403021718265856-zuI3

I was in the COVID ICU for 10 days and that was an experience that I will never ever forget in this 2nd innings of my life.

In the ICU, I saw deaths around me, I came to know of patients who remained in the Covid ICU for many days without significant recovery, I saw patients giving up the mental battle too early and I could hear moans & wails of pain from the beds around me.

But I also saw the “Never Give Up” attitude of the Raheja Hospital’s COVID ICU medical & caregiving team, I experienced them going beyond their call of duty & doing everything humanly possible to save every patient and I saw them in their PPE suits working tirelessly, for the entire shift without the possibility of drinking or eating anything or even going to the bathroom. I saw God working through them.

That’s when I decided to fight back.

I decided to try my best & banish all negativity and also try to become the most positive & cheerful person in the whole ICU. I started waving to & wishing everyone around me, including patients, with a smile. I started chatting up with everyone and complimenting them on their work & thanking them. (I also gave some of the younger staff members advice on financial planning, goal setting, professional success & generally about life ?? ). And I did not complain about the services even once, during my entire 17 days stay at the hospital. I was a happy patient & later became a popular one too ??

At the same time, I went through a whole range of emotions. Today from the comfort of my home, I can compare them to the ???? (Navras) - 9 emotions (?? means an emotional state of mind) 

As per old Indian literature, these 9 emotions are

1.    ???????? (Shringaar) - love/beauty

2.    ????? (Hasya) – laughter

3.    ????? (Karuna) - sorrow

4.    ????? (Raudra) – anger

5.    ??? (Veera) - heroism/courage

6.    ????? (Bhayanak) - terror/fear

7.    ?????? (Bibhatsa) – disgust

8.    ????? (Adbutha) - surprise/wonder

9.    ???? (Shant) - peace/tranquillity

I can divide my COVID ICU stay into 4 stages, where I went through this entire gamut of emotions & my guess is that every COVID patient in an ICU would also go through these stages & most of these emotions. 

Stage 1 – The denial mode – Anger, fear & sorrow

I started from a denial mode, felt a genuine fear of death & was not just having anxiety but was also panicking.

On the very 1st day, I was told that I will be in the ICU for at least 10 days & my immediate reaction was to cry with what else but the fear of death & the repercussions of that on the family.

Within 30 minutes of coming to ICU, I was put under the BIPAP / CPAP helmet (non-invasive ventilation apparatus), which is a very claustrophobic experience & once again I panicked. What happens inside this full face apparatus is a continuous, high-pressure flow of 15 litres of oxygen. It’s noisy & sweaty and the initial feeling is that your face is in an unwanted jail & you want to break free.

Within 15 minutes, I wanted to scream, cry & run away.

2 things happened.

(1)  One doctor used the straight talk technique & told me in no uncertain terms that I don’t have a choice unless I want to go on a ventilator. 

(2)  Another doctor kindly allowed me to remove the mask for 1 minute, asked me not to panic, told me that anxiety was natural but I needed to calm down for my own good and then put back that balloon mask/ helmet on my head BUT this time he stayed next to me for 5 to 10 mins - I was just holding his hand, pressed on my heart, trying to put everything in the right context & trying to calm myself down. May God bless him. It helped.

From the next day on, I decided to play a game. I told myself that my present condition was nothing but a drama or a movie, where I was playing the role of an astronaut in a spaceship going to Mars and I should just chill, sit back & wait for this to get over. And it indeed got over. The treatment worked & I came out of that helmet ventilation in 4 days.

Stage 2 – Fight or flight – Courage, surprise & laughter

I believe that the 1st few days are critical at a psychological level as the patient has to fight the fear and believe that he/ she is going to recover else it becomes difficult at a physical level for the body to fight back. The doctors encourage us with pep talks & the family does the same on video calls but it is finally left to the patient to win this internal battle.

COVID patients can also get very lonely & it is important to use every resource available.

The top 4 tools in my tool kit that I found really useful were –

(1)  Video calls to family & positive message exchanges with friends – I am really blessed to have so many friends & well-wishers, whose blessings, prayers & support was invaluable, to move me forward towards recovery in those days of low immunity & mental vulnerability.

(2)  Music & meditation – I used the Art of Living app, Sattva all the time & listened to chanting; the ones that I found most useful were “Om Namah Shivay” & “Hanuman Chalisa”. I tried my best to meditate too. And I also listened to my favourite Bollywood songs, right from the 60s (“Main Zindagi ka saath nibhata chala gaya from the movie “Hum Dono”) to 2020 (“BurjKhalifa” from the movie “Laxmi”), sometimes playing the peppy dance number at top volume, much to the entertainment of the hospital staff.

Everything was allowed in the ICU ??

(3)  Laughter – I kept on watching comedy on Youtube on my phone, including The Kapil Sharma Show, the popular Marathi show, Maharashtrachi Hasyajatra & stand-up comedy by Amit Tandon, and kept on laughing loudly.

My dear friend, Dr. Shantaram Kelkar, made a video on me, to cheer me up and it indeed did. I also shared this on the hospital network to create more smiles & laughter – these two actions are very contagious; more than COVID ??

(Enclosing the video – hope it brings a smile on your face)

(4)  Some sugar – A little bit of sugar (not too much), helped me a lot. I am fortunate not to have diabetes and everyday, I used to savor a bit of dark chocolate, Theobroma cookies or JimJam biscuits and that gave me immediate joy, as I deliberately ate them, very slowly & mindfully.

Stage 3 – The ups & downs of recovery – frustration, disgust, and again the anxiety & fear 

The trouble with COVID is that the recovery process takes you 2 steps ahead & 1 step back. I had issues like recurring fever & reactions to medicines, which delayed the recovery and brought back feelings of frustration as well as anxiety.

The worst of the lot was on a particular day when I just fell unconscious while sitting on my bed and woke up straight inside the CT scan machine, getting a brain scan done. The doctors told me later that they were themselves worried and there was a scene like a Bollywood movie, where they had to actually "beat my chest" to try & get me back to consciousness ??. But thankfully the final diagnosis was nothing much beyond an adverse reaction to some medicine.

The 2 words made popular by Sai Baba of Shirdi – ??????? (faith) & ????? (patience) is all that was needed to help me through these ups & downs.

Another thing that helped me a lot was a voice message sent by my dear cousin sister, about a dream she had, where my late mother, Dr. Shakuntala Bhave appeared standing at the door of the ICU telling her that she will not allow anyone to take me away and I will leave the ICU hale & hearty. This all may sound melodramatic now, but in the state, I was in, this voice message was a huge support & I must have heard it at least 20 times.

 Stage 4 – The recovery – relief, peace, love & gratitude

As my oxygen levels went up, my masks started getting more & more easier to use (I used 4 different varieties as shown in the image at the top) and along with that my mood also got better & better. My restrictions were getting removed one by one and I experienced the sheer joy of doing daily activities without any help. Whether it was something as basic as brushing my teeth or walking without support or eating with my own hands. This is when I realized what the word “mindfulness” actually means. Now I have banned the word “multi-tasking from my dictionary” & I try to do every single activity with mindfulness & try to enjoy it, much much more.

So here are my 9 recommendations to anyone who is, unfortunately, forced to go into a COVID ICU –

(1)  Keep the faith

(2)  Be as positive as you can

(3)  Believe that you will get better

(4)  Talk to family & friends everyday

(5)  Be as cheerful with the hospital team as possible

(6)  Try not to complain

(7)  Smile & Laugh

(8)  Listen to music & chanting.

(9) Always tell yourself “This too shall pass” & it will. Believe me. I came back.

See you soon with the 3rd entry of COVID DIARIES 2021 about the real COVID Superheroes…