COVID-19; EFFECTS ON MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS AND THE WAY OUT

When the novel coronavirus struck Wuhan City China in November 2019, the world never knew what awaits the universe until the terror started spreading like a fire a few months later. From China to Italy, France, the UK, Iran, the US, and to other continents. We were still wondering if it would ever reach Africa until the tragedy struck when the virus was imported into Nigeria soil through an Italian national.

Since then, the Nigerian government has been struggling to put all necessary measures in place before it becomes uncontrollable. The Nigeria Centre for Disease Control (NCDC) has been working tirelessly to avoid the unimaginable consequences, yet, are they up to the task when the effects of lockdown by the Federal government and state governors is biting harder on Nigerians who mostly survive on daily earnings?

Our national lives have been seriously affected by this unseen monster. In terms of Economy, finance, spiritual, and more importantly the marital relationship. I am poised to write about what this would bring into most relationship life in 2020. There is no doubt that we are social animals who must socialize. Although there are many people are married already or who wish to get married and have probably fixed date before this global pandemic ensues. What are they to expect during and after this period?

According to the report released by the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) and its partners, there is an indication that ongoing lockdowns and disruptions in health services during the COVID-19 pandemic could lead to seven million unplanned pregnancies in the months ahead. The report projected that the number of women who have been unable to access family planning risk unintended pregnancies, gender-based violence, and other harmful practices and the number could “skyrocket” by millions.

In the same vein, weddings are now restricted to either virtual/ live streaming on social media or limited gatherings in religion and registry. Presently in the US, the governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo, has made it legal for couples to hold online weddings as COVID-19 continues to spread around the world. From taking vows in parking lots to holding ceremonies by video conference, people are finding innovative ways to be together.

 Shopping, meetings, and social events have all moved online in the wake of the coronavirus pandemic, and now a new law has made it legal for couples in the US state of New York to hold virtual weddings.

Stay-at-home orders have led to many wedding plans being put on hold around the world, but lockdowns or not, a new order by New York Governor Andrew Cuomo allows clerks to conduct internet wedding ceremonies and for couples to obtain a marriage license remotely. Under normal circumstances, marriages in the state are only legal if the couple both appears in person at one of five borough offices.

The situation for prospective newlyweds varies around the world. Most wedding has been canceled or postponed in the UK, with the country under lockdown restrictions limiting gatherings. For some couples in India, the usual throng of wedding guests has been replaced by an audience of mobile phones and tablets streaming live wedding ceremonies to distant family and relatives.

This is exactly what is ongoing in the whole world right now because human interactions have been transformed into an unimaginable reality where all activities have been reshaped by social distancing and all forms of restrictions. Weddings are postponed and all sorts of frustrations could set in, but by and large, it would still allow intending couples to plan to go on with their weddings in a more economic way. It saves costs and relieves partners unnecessary burdens as against the status quo.

Although the Nigerian Legal System does not support online wedding because the law didn't make provisions for such occurrence yet many intending couples are still visiting the registry. According to Opatola Victor Esq, an Abuja based Legal practioner in his article published on the DailyTrust Website on May 1, There is a difference between Church wedding( white wedding) and Registry Marriage( Court Marriage). Registry marriage is regulated by the Marriage Act. For a Marriage to be valid, it must have been done at either:

1. At the Registry

2. Licensed place of Worship.

3. A Nigeria Diplomatic office abroad or consular’s office Furthermore, there are certain requirements of the Law for a Valid Marriage which cannot be satisfied by online Marriage, such as presentation of Caveat, publishing of notice of marriage.

 Section 23 of the Marriage Act provides that: A minister shall not celebrate any marriage except IN A BUILDING which has been duly licensed by the Minister, or in such place as the license issued under section 13 of this Act, may direct. Section 27: After the issue of a certificate under section 11, or of a license under section 13 of this Act, the parties may, if they think fit, contract a marriage BEFORE A REGISTRAR, in the presence of two witnesses IN HIS OFFICE, with open doors, between the hours of ten o’clock in the forenoon and four o’clock in the afternoon, and in the following manner SECTION 29, which may have been of consolation to those who want online Marriage also restricted it to the requirements of Licensed place of Worship or Registry.

Going through the gamut of the Marriage Act, it quickly becomes obvious that the need for an online Marriage was not envisaged in the composition and intent of the Marriage Act in Nigeria. It is settled law, that clear and in ambiguous words in a Statute needs to be given their ordinary meaning when construing it – NIGER PROGRESS LTD N.E.I. CORP 1989 3 NWLR Pt. 107 68; GARBA V FED CIVIL SERVICE COMMISSION 1988 I NWLR Pt. 71 449; BAMAIYI V A.G. OF FED 2001 90 LRCN 2738; AINABEHOLO V E.S.U.W.F.M.P.C.S. LTD. 2007 2 NWLR Pt.1017, p.33 at p.37 In conclusion, The Nigeria Law does not envisage Online Marriage(Registry Marriage), any such purported Marriage cannot be said to conform with the Law.

Source: https://www.dailytrust.com.ng/online-marriage-can-i-legally-marry-online.html 

Regardless, this COVID-19 pandemic period could also lead to more frustration among married and intending couples because whether partners are both working from home, a whole family with children who need to be entertained or housemates who are finding communal living difficult, it is not yet known how long these measures may last.

Aidan Jones, chief executive at relationship charity, Relate, says: “Our relationships will be hugely important for getting us through this unprecedented time but self-isolation, social distancing, and concerns about issues like finances may also place them under added pressure.”

In Nigeria, “Millions of Nigerians observing the COVID-19 lockdown lack the food and income that their families need to survive,” said Anietie Ewang, Nigeria researcher at Human Rights Watch. “The government needs to combine public health measures with efforts to prevent the pandemic from destroying the lives and livelihoods of society’s poorest and most vulnerable people.” Nigeria has the biggest economy in Africa, with the gross domestic product per capita of $2,028 in 2018, more than twice that of its neighbors Benin, Chad, or Niger. It is also a highly unequal country.

Although intending or newly married couples should know that this period could be the best time to spend more time together with their partners and families to provide a more emotional bond and build more trust yet, the most marital relationship could suffer serious setbacks and break up/divorce or separation if care is not taken because the lockdown has prevents many Nigerians working in informal sectors from traveling to work or conducting their business.

 Local food vendors and traders have expressed fears over their ability to feed their families during the lockdown, with their daily earnings their only source of sustenance. An increase in food prices as a result of the lockdown also means that many cannot stock up on necessities. Divorce lawyers in developed clime have already forecast a spike in splits later this year due to self-isolation.

“The vast majority of people outside of the formal system are hit devastatingly by the lockdown,” said Felix Morka, executive director of the Social Economic Rights Action Center, a Lagos-based nongovernmental organization. “Any disruption to their daily livelihood has a huge and significant impact on their ability to meet their most basic needs.” The informal sector, in which more than 80 percent of Nigerians work, includes a wide range of occupations, from street traders, taxi drivers, tradesmen, and artisans to food vendors and hairdressers. In Lagos alone, according to research by non-governmental organizations, 65 percent of the estimated 25 million people work in the informal sector. Informal workers have lower-incomes, often do not have savings, health insurance, or pensions that provide a basic social safety net, and 72 percent are poor. What about the whole country?

Although our challenge this time could have been easily managed to some extent if our government is sincere. Recall that On April 1, the Humanitarian Affairs Ministry claimed that the ministry has begun paying 20,000 Naira (US$ 52) to families registered in the National Social Register of Poor and Vulnerable Households set up by the Buhari administration in 2016 to combat poverty. The government said that each family on the register will receive monthly cash payments for four months. How many people received this audio money?

Human Rights Watch said on March 31 that the National Social Register included 11,045,537 people from 2,644,493 households, far fewer than the over 90 million Nigerians estimated to live in extreme poverty, on less than $1.90 a day. Buhari said on April 13 that the National Social Register would be expanded from 2.6 million households to 3.6 million in the next two weeks.

The government’s failure to disclose key details of the cash transfer program has also cast doubt on how many people it includes and who will benefit, Human Rights Watch said. On April 4, the Social and Economic Rights Accountability Project (SERAP), a nongovernmental organization, filed a freedom of information request seeking details on the government’s relief funds. information within seven days. Did they fulfill it? I am sure you and I know the answer.

During this period of national impasse, there could be an increase in domestic and gender-based violence especially towards women and children who have been confined to a particular place. Many unimaginable things could happen at home and in neighbourhoods. The research conducted by UNFPA in collaboration with Avenir Health, Johns Hopkins University in the United States, and Victoria University in Australia through the Executive Director of UNFPA, Dr Natalia Kanem, said, “A new data shows the catastrophic impact that COVID-19 could soon have on women and girls globally. This is because couples now spend more time together under the same roofs.

THE WAY OUT

Keep communicating

With so much going on and tensions running high, it can be hard to keep an open dialogue – especially if you’re feeling scared or upset. I feel the key to keep your relationship solid throughout this period is the right communication. This heightened anxiety may create strong negative emotional reactions; anger or frustration. When experiencing these emotions try and stay mindful of your responses. Communication is key. Try and be as clear as possible with each other. If you are frustrated or stressed then try to use ‘I’ statements to communicate how you are feeling, it’s very easy to slip into the blame game when we are stressed and it doesn’t help anyone.

Try to put big arguments on hold

Although it is normal to expect some tension during this ongoing situation, you shouldn’t use it as a chance to vent all of your ongoing relationship issues, some things will need to be parked. Big and difficult conversations may need to be put on hold while you deal with the current situation – this is especially true if one of you is ill or thinks they may have symptoms. This is not the best time for anyone to be bossy around the house, we need ourselves more than ever right now! Please avoid a blame game about domestic chores any other forms of transferring aggression this time. Everyone is hungry and sad.

Ensure you aren’t just working all the time

If you and your partner are struggling to manage to work from home and your relationship then try to establish a clearer ‘home life’ and ‘work-life’ from now on. It can be hard at the beginning to separate the two and this can have a detrimental impact. “If you are working at home, there will still be home and life admin to do – set a time for this. It may feel like the house is a tip or needs cleaning, but make an executive decision to do this outside of ‘working hours’. Many of us will struggle with working from home as it limits our capacity in different ways, so try not to pile extra home stress on work stress.

Set family goals and expectations

Couples therapist Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari says now we know we’re likely to be indoors for a long time, sit down with your family – especially your children – and discuss how this is going to work. For example, children will be expected to do homework at this time, or help with laundry and the dishwasher. “If you and your partner are now working from home, be aware that this is a change of the unspoken contract between you. Talk about expectations and if you need to change up certain responsibilities,” she says. And if you are intending a couple planning your wedding, this could be the best time to evaluate and reassess your goals on this emerging reality.

Don’t avoid answering kids questions about coronavirus

Many parents probably feel like they don’t want to talk anymore about the coronavirus – especially as it is the reason you are stuck in the house in the first place. But if children have legitimate questions and you refuse to answer them this could cause more tension. Drury says: “Kids are smart and will have lots of questions. Shutting down questions will only create confusion, upset, and anxiety. Talking to them about what is happening factually can alleviate that. Take your cues from your child and prepare but don’t prompt for questions.”

Treat each other with kindness

Regardless of who you are sharing your home with during self-isolation, every relationship can be improved with kindness. Beresford says: “Recognise that everyone is going to be feeling some strain. Even children who are delighted to be off school will sense there is a negative backdrop to it all. Practice gratitude and daily thank those around you. Thanks to many generous Nigerians who give Give-Away prices to the needy on social media especially twitter community, Imam of Peace, Reno Omokri, Apostle Suleiman, Davido, Abass Obesere, Paul Okoye, Chief Dele Momodu to mention a few.       

Take breaks from each other.

 No marriage does well when spouses are together 24/7. Speak — out loud — about the type of break that works for you. No silent treatment here. Talking about your expectations — break time in another room, 20 minutes online, or an uninterrupted TV show — helps keep those goals realistic and keeps you and your spouse on the same page. Forget individual differences here, just do it! You can even assist the less privilege if you have the resources.

Unite against an adversary. The health challenge of Ebola in 2014 was massively defeated with the help of God and dedicated front line health workers especially the early intervention of late Dr Stella Adevavoh whom singlehandedly reported the case of Patrick Sawyer to the appropriate authority in time. When threatened by Liberian officials who wanted the patient to be discharged to attend a conference, she resisted the pressure and said, “for the greater public good” she would not release him.

The same can be true of your marriage/ relationship in the face of the coronavirus quarantine. This is an opportunity to rally as a married/ intending couple and function as a team. Unemployment is increasing daily which could compound families problems. Look at how some Banks are downsizing their workers lately. Most employers of Labour are laying off workers they either outsourced or feel their services are no longer needed. Job loss is causing serious altercations in families globally and with the economic stimulus, international organizations are giving countries assist in no small ways but are it really working in Nigeria?

Make your home a safe environment.

When two people feel safe, hearts open and connections happen. When people feel unsafe, hearts close and individuals disconnect. Talk to your spouse about how to create a home that feels safe for each person. Start by asking your spouse to complete this sentence: “I feel safe when you…”

For those planning to settle down after the COVID-19,

Participate in virtual therapy (Facebook, Instagram, or other social networking platforms) or phone calls with a Christian counsellor, get a jump start on marriage counselling. Besides, a counsellor may be able to help you and your spouse make good decisions about your time together during the coronavirus quarantine. you and your spouse can work to make your home a safe place and maybe even rediscover the connections and activities that once brought joy to your relationship.

Let us continue to stay safe and abide by all precautions as recommended by the WHO to keep our goals, families, and hope alive and soonest, our nation and the whole world will rise again.

REMAIN BLESSED AND STAY SAFE