Courageous or Cowardice

Courageous or cowardice. When we talk about suicide, specifically responder and soldier suicide, opinion falls to either viewed as courageous or cowardice. These opinions are based on religious, social, gender, racial, economic, our own backgrounds, bias and prejudices. If we look at this list, it boils down to our own stigma and as long as we hold onto the stigma surrounding Post Traumatic Stress induced suicide it makes it impossible to address it with realistic solutions.

Compounded more by the fact that the reality of suicide in our lives is extremely personal, emotional. We’re left to speculate, leaving many more questions than answers. No matter how we try, it is impossible to understand. We feel the loss, that this person has been selfishly stolen from us. I have struggled with these loses of friends and coworkers over the years. Even while contemplating and justifying taking my own life.

Rarely, very rarely is there an epiphany moment of clarity that changes our opinion. It is far more likely that opinion changes overtime and extremely slow. For many of us with PTSI we have watched family and friends disappear from our lives. We are hard to love and even harder to understand. Television and movies has instilled fear, portraying the afflicted as dangerous and unpredictable. Those that understand firsthand distance themselves because they are caught in their own struggles. Or the cold harsh reality of not wanting to be the last conversation.

As ridiculous as it is, when someone I know steps off the cliff, I find myself comparing my life to theirs. They have children that love them, I do not. They have a devoted spouse and I have failed at marriage and have a trail of failed relationships. Of course all these arguments are irrational. No matter what one has as part of their outside world, it is the pain and suffering inside their mind that makes the determination to either go on or to stay.

Arguing or even discussing if there are good reasons for one to commit suicide is as futile as arguing if you can eat pineapple on pizza or catsup on a hotdog. There is no correct answer, no matter how strongly you feel about your opinion. Having this argument with yourself is just as futile. It makes no difference if your pain from Post Traumatic Stress Injuries is worse than, equal to or will have the same outcome as someone else’s trauma.

Each of us has our own hell. Each morning I search for all the reasons to stay and try to convince myself that there is hope. That my dreams for a good life are within reach and hope that today is the day of my new reality. Then at night when the terror returns and I wake, startled, scared, sometimes screaming, sometimes crying, disoriented and physically sick from fear, I wonder how much longer I can fight.

As I walk the edge of the cliff, some days I understand how appealing stepping off can be, if for no other reason it represents the possibility of peace. Peace from the isolation, the nightmares and the pain. That this relief from the torment can easily look to be the only viable option and solution. This is when I question if I’m a coward or courageous. If it takes more courage to press on hoping for some relief, for some hope or if I’m a coward without the courage to step off. What I do know is it is not a decision that is made hastily. I believe that those that have decided to leave, have left because they believed it was the only option left to them. That like me, they have weighed the options over and over. That they have repeatedly tried, struggled and tried again.?

For some the answers are easier found than for others. For some religious belief and support could be the key. For some therapies in clinical or non clinical setting might help. I don’t hold a lot of faith in help lines. I’m at a point that talking doesn’t seem to be an option. I question how words can help.?

At work we trained that no one gets left behind. That we will take whatever steps are necessary and use all the available resources to rescue our own from harm. And while I’m not pointing fingers or placing blame, the reality is there are many pitfalls and failures. As I’ve said before, PTSI is complicated and messy.?

Unfortunately, no matter what healing therapy, program or support we go through, what ever we use to get through each day, we can’t ever say “I’m okay”. The best we can hope for is the ability to say “I’m okay today”.?

Steven Schreck Retired Batt. Chief