The courage of your convictions

I see a lot of memes in introvert groups about people regretting what they’ve said when they spoke up, and of course lots piled in with agreement.

I found myself with a mix of part sadness and part frustration, as it seems many of us are caught in a vicious circle, which does nothing to dispel the myths of introversion.

So, I decided to write about the importance of speaking up when we have something important to say.

The phrase ‘courage of your convictions’ was frequently used in my family and all it means is that you have the confidence to do what you believe is right, even though other people may not agree or approve. Of course, this includes being prepared to say what needs saying, as well ask asking for what we need.

Recently, I was in my coaching supervision group, and we were talking about ending client relationships. On our conversational journey, several of us shared how we’d ended relationships with long-term friends and family members. I won’t divulge all of the details as that is neither ethical nor relevant, but when one person said “I needed her to hear that message” I heard myself asking “Did you need her to hear that, or did you need to hear yourself say it?”

This was an important distinction for me as I can’t always guarantee that someone will really hear and understand my point of view, but I am always responsible for actually saying what I want to or need to say.

If I don’t say what needs saying, I have no right to complain about not being understood or heard. I’m then likely to stay in bitch, victim or martyr mode, complaining, feeling rather sorry for myself, and behaving like the world is against me, rather than behaving in an empowered adult mode.

So, what actually stops us from speaking up? Here are a few that I know have stopped me in the past

• Worrying what they will think of me
• Worrying how they might respond
• Worrying that it might create conflict
• Not having time to get my thoughts and therefore words clear in my own mind
• Deciding (honestly) that it’s not worth the effort
• Time – typically this is having missed my moment
• Overthinking and talking myself out of it.

Do any of those seem familiar to you? And what reasons do you have that I’ve not mentioned?

Now recognising these reasons is all well and good, but unless we address the, we remain in silent mode and disempowered. So, in order to address each of these, lets explore some options. Some are what I actually did and some are options that my clients have created.

• When it comes to worrying about what other think of me, I follow the advice of both Byron Katie and the late great Wayne Dyer. Wayne, apparently inspired by Mark Twain, is quoted as having said “What other people think of me is none of my business. One of the highest places you can get to is being independent of the good opinions of other people.” I have found this to be so empowering even if it’s not always easy. But, I did need to work on my inferiority complex first and that made it easier to not mind what people think of me. I mentioned Byron Katie earlier and The Work that she’s so well known for, includes the concept of “I care but I don’t mind”. Again, that quite freeing because it’s pretty cold to say, and feel “I don’t care”, but to acknowledge that you do care but don’t mind gives me a sense of lightness around heavy stuff.
• Next, we have worrying how they might respond. Well to start with it’s their business as we’ve just explored, and, how they respond is out of my control. I can do all I can to influence things to go the right way by tailoring my communication to be more on their wavelength. I don’t do brutal honesty and ultimately it’s their business anyway.
• Worrying that it might create conflict. This is a relatively common concern for many introverts who are conflict averse. So, let’s just understand the anatomy of conflict. At its simplest level, it’s just a difference of opinion. And quite frankly, that is healthy. In cultures and communities where differing views are prohibited or even just discouraged, an echo chamber is created that prevents and destroys generative conversations. What some struggle to deal with is their strong emotional response, which can be from either or both sides, so they try to persuade, convince or argue their side of things. What’s needed is curiosity, enquiry and continued communication. There’s also a need to stay with the emotions, stay connected to the feelings and understand why they may be being triggered. Potentially the conflict being aroused is nothing to do with the other individual. This quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson is a really important reminder “Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted”. Contradictions and conflict can be the source of much creative energy is handled well. No victimhood necessary.
• Then we get to not having time to get thoughts and words clear. This is common for introverts as we tend to have that think-say-think communication process. One way to address this is to practice the use of placeholders. These are ‘marker’ comments that keep us in the conversation before we actually know whatw e want to say. ?It also requires employing assertive communication so you can ask for the time you need. Until people realise that we need time to get our ideas straight, they won’t know to flex their behaviour. It’s all part of shifting the bias.
• Next we have to decide whether it’s worth the effort or not. But, this has to be an honest appraisal and not just avoiding an issue for an easy life. When we spend too long avoiding these types of conversations, we get caught in the bitch, victim or martyr modes which are really unproductive and disempowering, as I’ve already mentioned. Let’s remember, we introverts have specific charging needs for our mental and emotional batteries. We can be wonderfully positive, ambitious and engaging people when fully charged. But, we might need to remember to keep expanding our comfort zones by consistently working at its outer edge. Let’s capitalise on those marginal gains.??
• If we avoid saying what we need to, because we missed the moment or didn’t have time, that’s part excuse and part needing to be more assertive as we’ve already discussed. It’s all too easy to quote a lack of time but the truth is we all have the same amount of time and it’s how we spend it, invest it or squander it that counts.
• Lastly on my list was overthinking and talking myself out of it. This is one I know I can be guilty of. I’m very convincing when I want to be and can talk myself out of pretty much anything If I’ve half a mind. That’s why I find accountability buddies so helpful, and necessary actually. Tackling this one requires some real honesty, so you call yourself out on your bullshit, or your accountability buddies do. Doing this in a balanced way so you’re not overly hard on yourself can be tough, which is why its best not to do alone.?

So, I’ve shared some potential strategies and tactics for dealing with not speaking up. Which do you or will you use? I'd love to know.

Here’s to hearing your voice loud and clear and strong.?