The Courage To Be Disliked
??Week 29: The Courage To Be Disliked??
The Japanese phenomenon that shows you how to free yourself, change your life and achieve real happiness.
There is no escape from your own subjectivity. The issue is not about how the world is, but about how you are.
The Unknown 3rd Giant:
Alfred Adler. Adlerian Psychology is accepted as a realisation; a culmination of truths and of human understanding.
If we focus only on past causes and try to explain things solely through cause and effect, we end up with “determinism”
Aetiology - the study of causation vs Teleology - the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon rather than its cause.
We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.
Anger is a means of achieving a goal.
People are not driven by past causes but move towards goals that they set themselves.
Lifestyle as a concept brings together ways of finding meaning.
You are only unable to change because you are making the decision not to.
People are constantly selecting their lifestyles.?
There is the anxiety generated by change, and the disappointment attendant to not changing.
It might be said that you are lacking the courage to be happy.
All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.
The phrase “ feeling of inferiority” is a term that has to do with one’s value judgement of oneself.
Feelings of inferiority and all subjective feelings arise entirely through comparing yourself to others.
The feelings of inferiority we suffer from are subjective interpretations, rather than objective facts.
We cannot alter objective facts. But subjective interpretations can be altered as much as we like.
Value is something that is based on a social context.
An inferiority complex is using one’s feeling of inferiority as a kind of excuse.
Inferiority complex and superiority complex aren’t polar opposites, they are similarly connected.
The pursuit of superiority is the mindset of taking a step forward, not the mindset of competition that necessitates aiming to be greater than other people.
A healthy feeling of inferiority comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self, not from comparing oneself to others.
When one is conscious of competition and victory and defeat, it's inevitable that feelings of inferiority will arise.
The reason that so many people don’t really feel happy while they are building up their success is that they are living in competition.
If you think of interpersonal relationships as competition; you perceive other people’s happiness as ‘my defeat’ and that becomes a blockage to celebrating their success.
The moment one’s convinced that ‘I am right’ in an interpersonal relationship, one has already stepped into a power struggle.
When you are hung up on winning and losing, you give up the ability to make the right choices.?
If you change, those around you will change too. Instead of waiting for others to change or the situation to change, take the first step yourself.
The ‘Life-Lie’
Shifting your responsibility for the situation you are currently in onto someone else. That everything is the fault of the other person or the environment.
If you are not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you?
Do people who have established their social status truly feel happy?
领英推荐
‘Whose Task is This?’
Thinking with the perspective of ‘whose task is this?’ and continually separate one’s own tasks from others' tasks.
One does not intrude on other people’s tasks.
All interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks.
If you have not been taught to confront challenges you will always try to avoid all challenges.?
Do you choose recognition from others, or choose a path of freedom without recognition?
Freedom is being disliked by other people. There is a cost incurred to exercise one’s freedom. And the cost of interpersonal relationships is that one is disliked by other people.?
Don’t be afraid of being disliked.
The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.
All of us are searching for a sense of belonging and that ‘it’s okay to be here
It’s only natural that when we search for a sense of belonging we will be attracted to a community.
Horizontal Vs Vertical Relationships
Vertical relationships are hierarchical - often involving giving or wishing to be praised by someone.
Vertical relationships are equal (but not necessarily the same)
Vertical relationships are where one has convinced oneself that one is right and the other party is wrong.
Being praised leads people to form a belief that they have no ability.
Giving praise is a judgement that is passed by a person of ability onto a person without ability.
You build horizontal relationships by offering encouragement not praise.
Making the switch from attachment to self (self-interest) to concern for others (social interest) requires 3 things:
Self-acceptance, confidence in others and contribution to others.
Self-affirmation is making suggestions to oneself, In self-acceptance one simply has to focus on what one can change, rather than on what one cannot.
Confidence is doing without any set conditions whatsoever when believing in others. Unconditionally.
When we lay a foundation of unconditional confidence it becomes possible for us to build deep relationships.
You are not the one who decides if your contributions are of use. This is the task of the other people.
The greatest ‘life-lie’ of all is to not live in the here and now.
Summary: Excellent insights into Alfred Adler’s philosophy, and some universal truths that can sometimes be uncomfortable when applied with a little self-reflection.?
1 Key Takeaway/Insight: We cannot alter objective facts. But subjective interpretations can be altered as much as we like.
Rating: 8.5/10
Authors:?Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi
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?? I’m Ronan Leonard
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