Courage

cour·age

NOUN - the ability to do something that frightens one; bravery.

This week I have been part of a book writing sprint week with the wonderful Kelly Irving ?Being part of a group of others at different stages of their book wring; some are on their 2nd or 3rd book, others are about to publish and some like me at the start of the journey.

It is very reassuring that pretty much every person in the group has their own self-doubts and fears.?Who will read what I write? Can I do this??What if it’s shit??Who am I to write a book…I am not Brene Brown or Simon Sinek?

This week we had Cassandra Goodman come and share her tips with us to help tame these voices we have.?An exercise she had us do with to think about our fears and limiting beliefs.?Imagine we were holding the hand of our 5-year-old self who were speaking these words of fear to us, what would we say back to them??What reassurance would we give them??We then strap them into the back of the car, give them a snack and tell them to settle down and that we love them and we will keep them safe.

It has me reflect on what I might have said to any of my children over the years and to others I might have coached or mentored, not about writing a book but about their fears or limiting beliefs and what might be possible if we were courageous.

I hear things like, “What if they think I am silly, they might laugh at me”.

I ask them back, “When you are watching others on stage or presenting back, do you think the other person is silly??Are you thinking bad thoughts of them?”

In variably, the answer is “No, of course not”

"So why then do you think they might think this of you?"?We all too often let fear have its say, allowing it to hijack our brains and bodies.?Maybe there might be 1 person in the class, audience, workshop or reader that thinks you are silly.?There are, however, 99% of others who think you are great, that feel like you, that value your contribution, and that have your back.?Why do we then listen to the 1?

What could be possible if we listened to the voices of those who had our back? As Sheryl Sandberg asked, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”

Something that has held me back occasionally is my educational history. I have a flip-flopping relationship with it.?Most of the time, I am proud of what I have achieved and where I have gotten to today.?

At school, I was your average C grade student, unless it was Physical Education, then I was an A grade student, or unless it was Maths, then I was a D/E grade student.?English was hit and miss, my stories were creative, but my spelling was diabolical.?I used to have to sit back in class and write endless lines on the backboard; I certainly remember how to spell beautiful as a result. At age 14, along with my younger brother, I was diagnosed as dyslexic.?My mother fought hard to get recognition for this, and I was given extra time and consideration in my GSCE exams (British education) and was thrilled to scrape a C for English.?

I chose not to go 6th form college for A levels or on to university. Instead, I went out into the big wide world and got a job.?My passion for horses had me working in yards during the day and pubs and restaurants in the evening.?At 20, I then got a job at Canon UK and had various roles over the next 7 years, which ended as a Sales Account Manager, then on to Global IT organisations still in a sales capacity, now today running two successful businesses.

I do not believe my lack of a university degree has held me back at all.?My dyslexia might have lost me some pieces of work maybe, not that anybody has ever told me this but sometimes I spot an error in a proposal or an email and wonder what they might think of me, “How unprofessional, no attention to detail, do we want to work with someone’s who makes errors like this”?I have started to own my dyslexia more now, being courageous, sharing on my email and LinkedIn I’m #MadeByDyslexia – expect curious ideas and curious spelling.?I tell workshop participants that I am not great at spelling and place a little F7 spell check icon on my flip charts.?I try and draw more than write and use other workarounds.?I continue to work on my mindset and beliefs about this disability.?It occasionally niggles in my head when I go to write something to post publicly.?My mother always said, “What is the worst that could happen?” that is another blog/chapter!

Someone I was mentoring this week was telling me how she didn’t want to reach out to others to ask for help; she was afraid of what they might say, that they might be too busy, and she didn’t want to bother them.?I asked her how she would feel if I asked her for help.?She told me she would be more than happy to help. “What if a stranger asked you for help?” I asked.

“Probably the same,” she said, “Happy to help if I can, depending on what help they needed.”

?“What if it was another colleague?” Again, the same answer, if she could, she would be happy to help. “Why is this, I asked?” She told me that she liked helping others; it made her feel good, doing a service for others.?“How do you think the other people you are afraid to ask for help would feel?”

“Probably the same,” she said.

“So, you are doing them out of any opportunity to feel good and help someone else?”

?“I hadn’t thought of it like that,” she said. She went on to ask the person for help; they were delighted to support her, and she reported back today that she was so glad she had the courage to ask.

There is endless research out there on the effects and value of helping someone else. Evolution has primed us to feel good about giving. When you experience kindness, compassion and altruism, they can push aside negative emotions of stress, depression and anxiety.?Focusing on the needs of others can literally help shift our thinking. Michael Steger, a psychologist at the University of Louisville in Kentucky conducted a study where he and his colleagues asked a group of 65 undergraduates to complete an online survey each day for three weeks that assessed how times they participated in hedonic or pleasure-seeking behaviours, versus meaningful activities, such as helping others, listening to friends’ problems and/or pursuing one’s life goals.?They found that the more people participated in meaningful activities, the happier they were, and the more purposeful their lives felt. Pleasure-seeking behaviours, on the other hand, did not make people happier.

So, what if we were courageous and asked for help, shared our writings, stepped up first and speak in a room??What if we disregarded then 1% and listened to the 99%??What if we spoke those words of reassurance to our 5 years ourselves? What would be possible?