The courage to be authentically you ??

This week, the Long View has been reflecting on the holidays (in between frantically trying to get stuff done and gently rolling a few balls into the New Year).

This is a tricky time of year for lots of people; we're all looking forward to a break, and many people are going to get one, but there's an awful lot of social pressure: to conform, to perform, and to achieve during that break - and that can make for unhappy times.

Navigating other people's expectations ??

Lots of conversations this month have highlighted that friends and family are navigating many different demands on their time - and over and again I'm being told that people are planning events, meet-ups, and activities that are just - not them.

Or that requires them to curate an image of themselves that sits uncomfortably far from who they feel themselves to be, inside.

Because I know lovely people, this usually comes from a good place - a desire to please others, to put collective expectation above individual preferences, to not make a fuss or be a burden to others, and so on.

But also, because I know lovely people, I have an important general announcement

?? Remember to respect who you are, when you're negotiating your time, energy and resources with others ??

This is yet another "do as I say, and not as I do" bits of advice, but it is heartfelt.

Power, dominant culture and the risks in being visible, and vulnerable ?

I know I've raised a complex issue, and you were hoping for an easy read this week.

So I'll make it quick, and get us back to the upbeat stuff.

We all know that "be yourself" and "be authentic" talk can feel very blah blah blah.

That's because in our society, it is much easier and safer to be authentically you when your inner identity is consistent with dominant cultural norms, and assumptions people make about you.

For example: I present as a modestly dressed, petite Asian woman with glasses. People might expect me to be:

• agreeable (maybe even submissive)
• a little bit foreign, exotic
• neurotypical, able bodied
• cisgender
• most likely heterosexual

But take another look, could I also be the opposite of all those assumptions?

Of course I could.

I navigate my life within the dominant cultural gaze that others hold me in ?? - but that doesn't mean that I'm unaware of who I am inside, or of the complex interplay between outer and inner identities.

?I'm also aware of the very real dangers people face when their inner identities are not safe in the outside world. ?

And that's why "authentically you" doesn't mean just letting it all hang out, come what may.

It just means examining much more closely and consciously the line between the "you" that you feel yourself to be (and can safely honour and nurture) and the "you" that others assume you to be.

Being authentically you is the best gift you can give ??

Why should you do this?

Because you show up better for people when you are calm, confident and cared-for yourself. And we are the first, best, people to care for ourselves.

So here's my pitch:

??Sit down right now and map out your holiday plans

??Feel the feelings (and pay special attention when dread or fear shows up)

?? Renegotiate - ditch the unnecessary, adjust the plans, make new possibilities ... even if that means making new traditions ... and show yourself just a little bit of respect...

...

???? Thanks for reading. I hope you have a wonderful break and before you go, here are handful of extra treats to send you on your way to finding your own best gift.

This poem by Chen Chen: When I Grow Up I Want to Be a List of Further Possibilities

This little gem of fortune cookie wisdom:

And finally, a throwback, this legendary Spanish J&B Christmas advert from 2022 - about finding the courage to be authentically you, and extending grace and acceptance to others when they do the same. ??