Couple Crossroads

We all have been there, at the crossroads of a detoured conversation that at times blindsides us and leaves a scar of hurtful words that ultimately leaves wounds if unrepaired.?? How do we begin conversations while picking up on social cues, body language and rolled eyes that lead us to retreat further into ourselves for fear of offending and are unsatisfied that our needs didn’t get met while the desire to connect leads to more loneliness.?

We all desire to connect, to build relationships that foster growth, and provide us with a chance to be seen and heard, to know that we matter in this world.?

At times, our need for connection, to make our point or share our stories can be met with inattentiveness through lack of eye contact or scrolling on our phone that leave us just talking to ourselves.? At times, our need for connection, can be met with defensiveness, through rehearsing what one is going to say before their loved one has a chance to fully share or by interrupting the story in order to disagree and explain their point of view.?

When the desire to connect gets heated and both begin to say hurtful words, rather than trying to repair the connection, it can get lost only for one or both to get angry, distance themselves and find ways to sabotage or hurt the other through stonewalling, turning to addictions (i.e., porn, drinking, racking up credit card debt,) or further, physical violence.?

How does one move from disconnect to connection.? A helpful acronym that is typically used for Alcohol and Substance Abuse counseling in terms of identifying strong emotions that can lead to using substances or participating in process addictions can also be used to identify four common emotions that can cause a person to not be in the right headspace to engage in relationships and have tough conversations.?

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HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired)

1.????? ?Have I had a chance to eat a couple of healthy meals today.? Or am I running on empty?? All can make a difference in how we feel both emotionally, mentally, and physically which could either lead to a maladaptive or productive social engagement.?

2.????? Have I had a chance to decompress from a long day or self sooth from having a tough conversation with my Dr? ?All can make a difference in how we behave when we come home.

3.????? Have I had a chance to feel seen and heard by supportive people in my life?? All can make a difference in how we engage with others.?

4.????? Have I been sleeping well, or have I been up with the baby, or having nightmares that leave me groggy in the morning.? All can make a difference when interacting with others.

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Here are some questions to ask yourself if you are experiencing any of the HALT symptoms?

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1.????? What are some noticeable signs that tells me this?? (Recognize it.)

2.????? What can I do to manage my emotion? (What can I do about it (i.e., take a break, ask for help, practice deep breathing.)

3.????? What changes do I want to make moving forward in my behavior? (What will I do different next time?)

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When having a chance to review your HALT symptoms and exploring the trigger questions-the next opportunity to reflect on is this concept of -

How one RETURNS to the conversation/person

will have an influence on the relationship either negatively or positively.?

When an argument or disagreement has occurred and if it hasn’t been resolved it is best to agree to take a break from the conversation with intent of returning to the conversation. ?How one RETURNS to these conversations will have an influence on the relationship.? ?If an individual returns home, or to the bedroom with continued resentment, choosing to keep defenses up and having a lack of interest in pursuing reconciliation with the other, it can slowly cause a deterioration in the relationship.? If an individual is open to conversation, having an invitational attitude that wants to forgive and work towards, “what is possible,” between the couple as in compromising and finding solutions to meet each other’s needs, it can offer healing and produce a more positive and growing together relationship.

In moving forward to more healthy ways of communicating – one can remember, “Is what I am saying to my partner/spouse something I want spoken to me?”? “Is what I am saying to my partner or spouse helpful or hurting them?”?

Another great resource would be to follow, The Four Horsemen by the Gottman Institute, as a way to practice healthier ways to connect, build a growth, and move towards one another relationship.? www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes

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