Countdown to Zero Pay - Vol. 3 - A Day In The Life

Introduction

As I head into Week 3 of my "terminal PTO", some of the dust is settling and the benefits of having a pretty solid daily routine have started to show. The initial furor has died down and now the only thing left to do is hope the seeds planted in week 1 start to sprout something with shade that will protect me.

That doesn't mean this has gotten any easier. Feels demand to be felt and grief, and make no mistake being laid off is a grieving process, is one of the needier mouths I must feed. Grief is messy and terribly inconsiderate. It pops up in all kinds of ways at all times of day, not the least of which being every time I remember I'm staring down the barrel of a final paycheck in two weeks’ time.

What follows is an accounting of this past Friday. I was one of my worst days but still on par for what makes up a "normal" day for me. I figured I'd take some notes because otherwise, this is all just wasted energy. If you're in this, I want you to know you're not alone. If you're not in this, let this be a reminder of what your friends and colleagues might be going through.

7 a.m. - 14 days to ZeroPay

Woke up angry. Off to a great start. I wake up that way a lot lately. However, seeing as I went to bed both sad and angry, that's a 50% improvement already.

8 a.m.

We're on the way to school and my son is telling me about his new bedtime routine and I couldn't' be prouder. This improved my mood if only to remind me, my situation is my situation, and my son is still out here being awesome, and I need to remember to pay attention.

8:30 a.m.

Already had my first chat with a friend who also got laid off, he's pissed off too. Something must be going around.

9:15 a.m.

I usually park a mile away from the gym and use the walk to get steps in/warm up but today? Absolute, sheer, unadulterated panic leaves me motionless. I'm the rabbit thing in Alice in Wonderland. I'm late, so very late. Late to apply, late to hear back from leads, I'm not doing enough. I'm so very, very late.

The last thing I want to do now is walk. I desperately don't want to work out, I don't want to clean my office when I get home. I want to give up. I want to scream. Two weeks until my last paycheck, WTAF am I going to do?

9:45 a.m.

I still don't know what I'm going to do but I do know I look weird sitting in my truck starting at my dashboard for the last 30 minutes. So, routine then. Must stay in the routine. That means gym and its leg day. The universe is sick mistress. I must move because if I don't move, I will die. So, I get out of the stupid truck to take my stupid mental health walk to the stupid gym.

10 a.m.

The pre-workout just kicked in and EVERYTHING IS AAAAAWWWWWESOME. I CAN CRUSH ANY WHO OPPOSE ME.

10:15 a.m.

First set is done, feeling a little better already. It's the thing I most love and loathe about this place. I know, without exception, once I start lifting, I will feel better. A little blood flow works wonders to clear fog of, well, everything and by the end I'll be a brand-new man.

This is horrible, verifiable intel to have when all you want to do is wallow.

11 a.m.

Checked my socials in between sets and found absolutely nothing but love and support. I remember what this was like the first, second, and third time. I was new to the industry and the community. I handled my feelings every single wrong way you think of mainly because I really didn't have anyone to lean on. I try not to take that for granted, no matter what my mood.

Noon

It's time to make my rounds. I'm not the only person who is in this situation, so I make sure to check in on my people. It's not that my misery loves company. The fact I have company in the misery at all just makes things worse. I check in because I find solace in forgetting my individual plight for a moment and concentrate on making sure my people are cared for. As I mentioned previously, nobody should be doing this alone.

4:30 p.m.

Family time. I listen to my son tell me about his day. He's not pleased about his new reading buddy, but he had pizza for lunch so he's good. Need to make dinner. Need to be present and not dwell on how so very tired I am and how hard it is to keep going. I simply don't have time for that because my son just got his first library card, and he's stoked that I’m going to take him get some books he's been trying to find for a while.

10:00 p.m.

The night quiet sets in. Everyone is in bed, even the animals are snoring contentedly. There is nothing to do but think. Not that I have the energy to do anything else. There were some upsides to be sure. I hit my 10,000 steps, did a bunch of around the house stuff, networked with some new leads but those things do nothing to assuage the gnawing sensation of another day gone.

Did I waste it? Where are all my updates from the leads I thought so warm? This is exactly what I mean when I talk about "beware the front-loaded rush". All those leads, conversations, tweets, emails will start to taper. The hard truth is that nobody is on your timetable but you and that's a hell of a lonely clock.

3 a.m. the next day

Awaken to the sound of a dog with urgent business to attend to outdoors. I know from experience that my brain will never let me get back to sleep. I'll have to be content with my 5 hours of sleep and get moving because if I don't move, I'll die. I've got a lot to do and now I'm down to only 13 days to do it in.

3:04 a.m.

I turn the lights on. Already winning.

Conclusion & Takeaways

They say you must make job hunting your new full-time job. What they don't finish with is that you'll still have to "wear a lot of hats" and perform "duties as described." My family needs me, I'm worried about my friends, the animals need to be fed, and those weights aren't going to lift themselves. I finish most days more exhausted without a job than I ever did when I had one, but I need all this to be happening for a reason. I need to make it matter. So, takeaways:

• Grace and patience. Grace and patience for yourself because you didn't ask for this and if it's your first time, and if you even got a severance, it probably didn't come with a manual for your emotions. Grace and patience for your friends who are trying desperately not to lose their shit lest some poor bystanders start catching the shrapnel.
• The world around you continues to turn and if you don't turn with it, things will get really disorienting, real fast. Remember to be present with the ones you love and gentle with yourself when you forget to be.
• Routine, routine, for the love of every god to have ever existed, find your routine. This can be a long but brutal game so you need to build your routine for both stamina and speed.
• Be the support for someone else that you wish you had from others. It's got to start somewhere; let it start with you.
• Celebrate your wins. I promise you they are there. Got out of bed eventually? Total win. Only cry for 20 minutes vs. your usual 30? Absolute champion.
• The night quiet can be deafening. Turn your enemy into an ally. Plan, strategize, review your moves to date and adjust. Take notes, document your day, write something more articulate than the drivel I just finished writing.