Count the Cost, then Act

I have done everything ethical and moral (by God's standards) in the book to succeed and have the life that I want. I've worked hard. I've been humble enough to pay my dues. I've done continued learning and development. I've done the grunt work. I've worked smart. I've advocated for myself. I've written weekly, quarterly, and yearly action plans. I've asked for feedback. I've been available 24-6. I've worked 90 hour weeks. I've engaged in self-care. I've paid career coaches. I've paid therapists. I've paid business consultants. I've engaged mentors. I've sought out sponsorship. I've gotten awards. I have people saying my name in rooms I'm not in. I've prayed and fasted. I've exercised. I've slept (the hours I need, mind yourself). I've collaborated. I've amplified others. I've trained and developed team members. I've protected managers from major blunders. I've reengaged clients that partners didn't remember to keep happy. I've been a team player. I've spoken up in meetings. I've caught MAJOR shady behavior from opposing counsel. I've asked for specific examples of any feedback I've received. I've always asked for tips to drive my success. I've volunteered or accepted voluntold tasks. At one point I had managers in different departments reaching out to the head of my department to find out how he's supporting my growth and development. I treat everyone with respect - IDC what your title is, if I actually see you I will engage you in the workplace (even if I know you don't like me) and I will be pleasant because IDK your life. I did all of it.

Recently, I was telling my mom I just want to see the fruit of my labor. I always count the cost of anything I'm going to do. Like starting my two companies instead of going to another firm right away, counted the cost. Taking a big law job when I could do anything else I wanted, counted the cost. Self-publishing the books instead of chasing publishers and agents that aren't trying to see me anyway, counted the cost. Posting my eccentric views about everything that are really not that eccentric after all, counted the cost. Applying to legal jobs because I love being an entrepreneur but I'm bored by noon everyday, counted the cost. Telling a judge he should pick someone else for the clerkship because I just launched two businesses, counted the cost.

There's a scripture: "For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?" (Luke 14:28). I learned it more than 30 years ago. Imagine being a little kid, counting the cost of everything you do - good or bad - and then deciding in either direction. I was that kid, and as an adult I'm not that different. I remember some time ago, I was sitting in some silly meeting, I thought we didn't need because we already had an email ?? . And one of the people in the meeting began to tell me the cost of my being where I was. It was funny because I think there are certain settings where people really get used to just talking to people any old way and having them just suck it up like it's the holy scriptures. I remember I cut her off and said, I'm not sure you are aware of my background but I've already had 3 careers and I'm not 40. Each of them are distinctly different and each time I changed, I considered every aspect of the change and decided after a bit too much contemplation that I would pay the fee to cross the bridge because what I needed was on the other side. She didn't like that. I think I was her practice run of laying down the law (pun intended).

I think I had held myself out as docile somehow and this was supposed to be an easy meeting for her. She was going to say No and say her little speech ?? and I was going to accept without question or consequence and this was the 12th conversation about time off - yes TIME OFF - because I felt extremely lethargic after rushing back to following surgery and COVID. I was asking to take two instead of the one planned week off in about 6 weeks from the time of my notice of time off. This place had more employees than they could staff but this was her moment - her first NO and I was supposed accept. I kept going to work and then my cousin who was like a brother to me died suddenly. So now the time I couldn't get off was now bereavement time off. SMH. I remember praying and asking God why somebody had to die for me to take a breather. Have you ever tried breathing after having the wind knocked out of you. Another extended family member died the next day so we had 2 deaths in a single weekend. I remember how annoyed they were that I got the time off anyway. Less concerned about the fact that I was already recovering from surgery, chronically fatigued, and had worked 600+ hours in less than two months - because we push through sometimes because we think we can. It's crazy that people who lack basic human decency are leading organizations. It's crazy that people who are categorically smart but generally dense are leading organizations.

So yea when I told my mom I wanted to see the fruits of my labor, I was thinking I want the ROI for all the time, energy and money spent shaping this scrappy girl. And I'll stay ethical. I'll stay moral. I'll keep striving to be the best at what I do but I won't do it for bare minimum management and pay. It's not prideful it's acknowledging that you are more than qualified to command the fees and respect you ask for. #scrappygirlproject