Could your child be atypical or neurodiverse?

Those of you who have worked with me, may well be aware that my speciality is working with parents who have challenging children, and I would say that in 50% of my bespoke coaching work, those challenging children often are found to have hidden educational needs, behavioural issues, psychological issues or other conditions, that have gone very much unnoticed and misunderstood by so many.

“ We can’t engage our daughter to take her studies seriously. She’s not interested and we just don’t know what to do and who to ask for help?”

“The school suggested he may have a hearing issue, but we’ve done some listening tests and his hearing is absolutely fine.”

“ Our son seems to not be able to retain information and complains of sore eyes.”

“ This is the 4th time this year she has been bullied at school, and friendships seem to be a continuing issue. She struggles to maintain friends and complains all the girls are mean to her.”

The issue is that additional learning needs can present themselves in so many different ways, that parents have to be behaviour detectives, to try and make sense of what’s going on, and because we are hardwired to problem solve and correct behaviour we don’t like, it can take time and energy to press that pause button, and really explore. We need to listen to our children’s stories and validate their feelings first, and talk to them about what’s going on in school, and how they’re finding their school work.

I encourage parents to be curious.

?So many Specific Learning Difficulties ( SPLD’s) go unnoticed for years. I see far too many parents, whose children have struggled throughout their education and it’s often not until they’ve failed to get into the University of choice, or dropped out of University, that a pause button is pressed. All behaviour has a cause, and the tragedy is the signs are always there, if you know what to look out for.

• ? Is there a disconnect between IQ and performance in tests?
• ??Do teachers report they are distracted or lacking in focus in class?
• ??Do you think your child is lazy and unmotivated, often forgetting to hand in homework or bring home the right books?
• ??Do they appear out of sync with themselves and others?
• ??Do they struggle to process two or three part instructions?
• ? Have they started to give up easily and not put in their best effort
• ??Do they seem emotionally dysregulated when things don’t go to plan?

What do I do next?

1.???? Speak to your SENCo.

?If you’re curious about your child’s behaviour, it’s time to investigate and the first port of call is always the school, and arrange a meeting with your Special Educational Needs Coordinator ( SENCo). They’ll come up with a support plan to scaffold your child, and if following school interventions, things don’t improve, then it’s time to seek some professional support and assessments.

?2.???? Access positive parenting support

?There are broadly several areas I look out for when coaching parents, in order to help them understand that something else COULD be going on, that explains why their parenting skills may work with one child, but perhaps not the other. I’m now exquisitely tuned to pick up on all sorts of information, and am always curious as to what else could explain behaviour, in addition to the impact various parenting styles can have on a child. Could there be:

• ??a social and communication issue, such as autism.
• ??a neurological condition, such as ADHD.
• a specific learning need, such as dyscalculia or dyslexia.
• ??a sensory or auditory processing disorder.
• ??a behavioural disorder, such as oppositional defiance ( ODD), that looks very similar to Pathological Demand Avoidance ( PDA).
• ??an anxiety disorder.

All these areas, will have an impact on learning and education. All the professionals acknowledge that often a child can have co-morbidities, which is another term for clusters of conditions or symptoms that co-exist, making understanding who our child is, and what their social and educational needs are, a complete minefield. It’s so complex, it’s no wonder parents and teachers alike, are sometimes confused and bewildered as to what may be going on.

However, I always say the first bus to get on, is the positive parenting bus. We need firstly to explore parenting styles, and explore if what parents are saying and doing in the moment, may be inadvertently causing more rebellion, resentment, anger, withdrawal or perhaps even anxiety. Whatever the outcome or diagnoses, the positive parenting piece is a vital part of the puzzle and without it, parents will always struggle.

When parents bring in professionals early in the process, without exploring the positive parenting piece first, there is always a risk that their child can end up more anxious or worried, and self esteem can drop. I invite you to be curious about any signs of difficulty your child may be showing, but this may not be due to additional learning needs, or indeed indicate there is a requirement to get a diagnosis. Take time to understand your child, their temperament and make up and if having explored the positive parenting piece, behaviour is still concerning, then is the time to take action and follow up with some assessments.

3.????Seek Assessment and Diagnosis

This is where it becomes very complex, and it’s a confusing landscape working out who to see and where to go for help.

• If there is a learning related issue, your first port of call is always a good Educational Psychologist (EP), who will carry out what’s called a cognitive assessment. I believe every child would benefit from an EP assessment before transitioning into secondary school, so parents have a good overview of cognitive profile and learning strengths and weaknesses. Had I had this done when I was a teenager, no way would I have chosen my career path of a law degree and then training to be a chartered accountant, as both vocations were playing to my many learned behaviours, skills that cognitively didn’t come easy to me! It would have saved a lot of heartache and misery.
• The reality is a good EP report, can form great empirical evidence, if any further assessment is needed, as an experienced EP can 'recognise the signs' of neurodevelopmental conditions such as Autism and specify the associated learning needs, but they can’t diagnose it on their own.?
• ?The very name Educational Psychologist, indicates this does not fall under the Health remit, so these assessments are not available on the NHS, and have to be done privately.
• ?If there are signs of ADHD, a psychiatrist needs to be involved. Visit your GP and ask for a referral to the Child Adolescent and Mental Health Services ( CAMHS). Alternatively you can seek a private psychiatric assessment, but be aware all these health professionals are busier and more oversubscribed than they have ever been, so waiting lists can be up to 6-9 months.
• If there are signs of Autism, then you’ll need a multi -disciplinary assessment ( an MDA) ?led by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or a paediatrician?with a specialism in child psychiatry.?The health service can provide this via CAMHS and they would conduct a psychology assessment ( WISC/WIAT), a speech and language assessment and something called the ADOS, which is a kind of play based assessment. The psychiatrist will then pull together all the information and make the diagnosis.?

?4.???? And finally?

My experience working with parents is that on finding out that their child may be neuro diverse or atypical, they can often go into a state of paralysis. A diagnoses is given, and then no one supports the parents. It’s as if their emotions are not relevant, and they then need to go into superman or superwoman mode, to find the right educational environment, to ensure the right strategies and interventions are employed at school, and all the time they may be grieving for the child they imagined they should have had.

Parents mental health and self esteem can be hugely impacted when they find out they have a child who is neuro diverse or atypical, so they need to be gently guided through the jungle safely and securely, and this is a step completely missing from many diagnostic and assessments processes.

So, as a parenting coach, I am but one part of the jigsaw puzzle, but a significant part, because?if you have a parenting toolkit of skills, delivered by someone who knows first hand the world of neuro diversity, and that theses skills can work on the most challenging atypical child, then the future is bright and full of hope.

Find out more by reading ‘ My Child’s Different’ by Elaine Halligan, how positive parenting can unlock potential in children with ADHD and dyslexia.

If you would like to ensure your children are independent and self reliant and that you are teaching them life skills, to ensure they are confident and contented to cope with what life throws at them, don’t miss my next HARMONY AT HOME COURSE ?- a toolkit of skills for all ages, to ensure a happier and easier family life. Starts Tuesday 4th October - 15th November 2022, with half term break Tuesday 25th October via ZOOM 8 - 9:30pm.