Should vs. Could – Words We Live By

Say this out loud: What should I do? Now say: What could I do? Pay attention to the feelings each question triggers. With “should,” you might be waiting for an external response. With “could,” ideas most likely emerge from within.

Many of my clients have allowed the word “should” to steer their decision-making and determine their actions. I should apply to that college. I should get a high-paying job at that prestigious company. I should join that Board. I should settle down, move out of the city, and have 2 kids. Or should it be 3? There are many more “shoulds” that we are all familiar with. And perhaps a few others we invoke without even realizing it. 

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with doing any one of these things. In fact, the examples above are all positive. The issue is not what you decide to do, but why you decide to do what you do. I meet clients at various stages of their journey, and some of them have trouble articulating how they got to where they are—largely because the driving forces came from outside themselves. 

Man is born free, but he is everywhere in chains.

– Jean-Jacques Rousseau

“What should I do?” and its many variants, is a question borne of external influence. It’s the path of least resistance. There is less accountability. Less risk. After all, it’s not your decision. Not entirely. There’s a sense of safety and security that comes from listening to that external GPS guiding us to turn right, turn left, or go straight and stay the course.

But, when you arrive at the destination, ask yourself, was it where you really wanted to go? Success, how it’s typically defined, does not always yield satisfaction. In part, feelings of malaise stem from ignoring the internal voice. You know… the one asking, what could I do in this situation?

Dwell in possibility.

– Emily Dickinson

Could is synonymous with possibility. And, since could originates from the source, it also offers clarity. People who permit themselves to see a world of possibilities instead of limits are more likely to find true success. Success not necessarily defined by job titles and compensation packages, but by real fulfillment. Happiness with what they do.

Our aspirations are our possibilities.

– Samuel Johnson

Listening to the driving forces within makes you feel energized, inspired, and engaged. Armed with such weapons, anything is possible. Greatness comes from Could.

Obviously, there are times when we are faced with actions we should, and perhaps must take. It’s not all a world of possibilities. Depending on your personal situation, circumstances and responsibilities might compel you to stay the course, no matter how badly you need a change. That’s okay. The important thing to remember is that Could and Should are not mutually exclusive.

There may be instances when you must remain in a position that is less than ideal. You might find yourself saying, “I don’t really have a choice. It’s the responsible decision for my family and me.” 

But, what if you took a slightly different perspective? “Given I am in this job, what else could I incorporate into my life to help me feel more energized? More inspired? Happier? What possibilities exist to dramatically improve how I feel about my daily activities?”

The answers can be big or small. If the shortcomings of the “should journey” are grating on you, you don’t have to quit your job and go after some long-deferred dream right this second. Instead, think about what you could do today to start fulfilling that dream. What is the step you can take right now, however small? That first step is often the hardest to take.

Ask yourself, which voice do you want guiding you from this point forward? The external force or the internal compass? Try taking off the should glasses and putting on the could glasses for a while. You might be surprised by what you see, how you feel, and what you could accomplish

A thought, even a possibility, can shatter and transform us.

– Friedrich Nietzsche

Matt Spielman is the Founder and Managing Director of Inflection Point Partners LLC. Matt's work focuses on career transition, revenue coaching, team performance and organizational strategy. He gets energy from helping people realize their purpose and potential, and having a positive impact on careers and lives.

Follow Matt on Twitter for more: @mspielman