Could, one word change how you lead and build relationships?

This month’s short blog is inspired by a conversation I had as part of our leadership programme this week. The exact context doesn’t matter. What’s interesting is that we got to talking about our ‘shoulds’ and  the way they drive our emotions and behaviours. Like many coaches I’ve collected nuggets of wisdom on my coaching journey and one I find I share on a regular basis is the concept of swapping ‘should’ for ‘could’. There are a multitude of positive outcomes this simple little technique can bring. 

You see as soon as we form a sentence with a should in our minds we’ve already processed a judgement, created some kind of rule or assumption and decided to effectively tell the other person that we think they’ve done something wrong – even if this isn’t our intention. If we then pull the trigger and fire off the should we tend to put the other person on the back foot, leave them feeling undervalued or even worse, somewhat fearful of what will happen next. This triggers their ‘fight or flight’ adrenaline reaction and before you know it the situation has become combative, the other person has disengaged or clammed up, or they simply walk away. Anyone recognising this….? And all from that one word….. It doesn’t really help us does it?

However if you are willing to join me in stepping back and in doing so acknowledge that the power of choice is one of our wonderful humans traits, we can explore a helpful relationship that I believe exists between should and could. If you allow yourself to consider one person’s should as simply another person’s could then a whole new avenue of curiosity opens up. You acknowledge that a person could have done something in the way you thought they should have but that they also had other options.  If they didn’t chose the same options as the should then immediately there is an opportunity to be curious about why they made the choice to do something different. Now consider the outcome of the resulting interaction after someone has enquired with a genuine interest (not a dressed up judgement) into why someone else made the choice they did. In my experience you immediately create a different set of outcomes with little or no adrenaline rush for anyone involved.

What’s more, the people involved feel more valued because they’ve been asked to contribute. The person who has been curious often learns something they didn’t know which can then help them ‘re-programme’ the should that this all started from. These curious (rather than judgemental) interactions help to build foundations for building stronger relationships and through these greater collaboration and team work. And again all from changing just one word……

If you'd like to find out more about our coaching or explore programmes and support we offer please check out our website www.curiositycoaching.co.uk.