Cosy up to failure

As babies and very small children, failure is the only way forward. When learning to walk, through smiles and parental joy, we're encouraged that any step taken is a major win. When we receive our first bike, we're told that the only way to learn is to "fall and get back up." And with helping mom or dad bake, it doesn't matter if we're sticking our fingers unnecessarily into the dough and getting flour on the floor, we're trying. That's what counts.

So what on earth happened?!!

The evolution of failure

From the perspective of an over-achieving student and sociology enthusiast, I think that the aversion to failure begins at school. Our parents (from only the best of places) want us to succeed and to learn. Our teachers want the same. The grading system however quantifies only what we've done well. Not what it is we've learned. So what happens is we strive for straight A's (equivalent to 7s, 8s or 9s in the Netherlands), wanting only the highest grade/number to reflect our intelligence. This striving for perfection doesn't leave room for learning and growth. What happens when we 'mess up' and get a B or lower (6 or lower)? Well we actually learn. We learn what went wrong and from that understanding, a more permanent mapping can develop. If we constantly know 'everything' and get 'everything right' there is really no room for learning and development.

So my personal theory is that it starts there. And it gets imprinted in us from primary school through exams up through university and even higher levels of education. Once we get into the workforce we're primed to believe that if we fail, we'll be left behind in some way with friends, co-workers, family, the system. So we work hard. We measure hard. We please hard. We take on more than we should. And we do what we can to avoid failing in some way. We become fixed in the high-achieving mindset. And if we do fail, it can be difficult to recognise the learnings because we've became so hard-wired to avoid failure at all costs, so we lower the bar a wee bit, and continue the pattern. Work hard. Measure hard. Please hard. Repeat. Perfection isn't the opposite of failure. It only inhibits it. The inability to grow/move (inertia) is the opposite of failure .

To be honest, I didn't realise I was stuck in an inert state until this coronavirus left an open vacancy for reflection.

A short story about failure

Anyone who is close to me can vouch that I've struggled with "what is the story I want to tell?" for a year now. As a former brand marketer, I know how important story is to connect your service to the people. I was putting a lot of pressure on the story of my business. How could I explain what I do when I do so much? I teach. I coach. I design curriculum. I'm good at marketing and know UX. I love to storytell. I get paid for writing and drawing. So...what was my service exactly? I felt it was too broad but I also didn't want to lose anything. I mulled it over and over and over and became paralysed because I wanted that story to encapsulate everything. To be perfect. So I myself remained unmoving. Up until coronavirus hit.

Coronavirus hit and anything I had planned went out the door. Suddenly the playing field became even and everyone was caught in this "in-between" state. Momentarily, we were all unmoved. And then the world started moving again. But differently. And I saw a lot of people just trying to take their profession online. It wasn't perfect but it was something. People were trying! And failing! And improving!

I decided to start my internet web-series even though I have no space for filming, a crappy web-cam, and a lapel mic for a microphone. I am not a good editor and am an even worse Youtube studio maker/uploader. But by forcing myself to make 12 episodes, host 12 interviews, and just TRY, I've learned.

By measurement standards, the web-series is a failure...which means it's a huge success. I'm doing something. I'm talking to interesting people and sharing their stories. I'm learning that I want to support other entrepreneurs and it feels like a calling. I'm learning how to ask better questions. I'm learning to open up more and feel at ease. I'm learning what it takes to professionalise my content. I'm learning how to promote in a way that feels authentic to me.

In the end, I'm doing my best not to focus on the numbers but to focus on continuing to create content even when it has the potential for "failure." Failure is the only way forward.

Get cosy and settle-in

I'm not (yet) an Arjan Lubach, an Elizabeth Gilbert, a John Krasinski or a Brene Brown . But they must have failed a million times in order to get to where they are now. And they are still failing because they are actively trying new things and adapting.

Ironically enough, my recommendation for myself and to all others is to grab a blanket with some tea or red wine, and find a good binge-worthy TV series, because it's time to cosy up to failure and stay with it for a while.

About

Lauren d Maxwell is a creative entrepreneur (in-progress). When not being a total weirdo on the internet, she's exploring the psychology of entrepreneurship and self-development through instagram videos, interview web-series, coaching, paid writing, and some cool art.