Man Masks

The mask

Of masculinity

Is a mask

A mask that is wearing me

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From the song 'Idles'

By Samaritans

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During one of the men's meetings I co-facilitated, a man said he was grateful that his time in the group enabled him to say, 'I love that man,' to another man in the meeting. Before his involvement in the group, he never could have expressed those feelings.

His declaration was soft and tender. Traits American culture informs us we should find unacceptable in men. I don't see it this way.

What he did was also extraordinarily brave. It takes vulnerability and courage for a man to utter heartfelt words, especially to and for another man.

What made his declaration so unique for men? What societal messages do men receive? What are the costs of those cultural imperatives? What becomes possible if men lower their masks?

What made his declaration so unique for men?

Unusual in our largely homophobic society, it is common for men in Men Mentoring Men (M3) to voice their love for one another and others in their lives. Even when many of those same men had never heard of it from their fathers.

Men Mentoring Men is a secular men's support group where men talk about what is genuinely going on in their lives with other men. You can find more information at https://www.menmentoringmen.org/ .

The tongue-in-cheek ethos of 'real men don't eat quiche' and the mocking version of ‘I love you, man!’ from the Bud Light commercials in the 1990s remains.?

It reinforces the myth that if men express their full range of emotions, they risk falling into the abyss of cissification from which they and our society will never recover. Any offending man must turn in his 'man card' for his violations.

What Societal Messages Do Men Receive?

I love men. Yet, I believe we are also responsible for many of the world's ills. It does not have to be that way.

According to Brené Brown’s research, men receive three primary mandates in American culture. These masculine requirements are:

1.??? Never show weakness.

2.??? Do not be like a woman, most commonly expressed as 'Don't be a p**sy.'

3.??? Disdain for homosexuality – 'Don't be gay.'

The demands to reject the feminine make men fearful of anything remotely associated with the feminine, including gay men and transgender women.

The lessons start early.

As demonstrated by the action figures pictured above, we learn the expectations of what it is to be a man in our culture at a very young age, to be seen as strong and self-reliant at all costs.

Even products as innocuous as body wash marketed to boys claim to ‘slam their body odor.’

These powerful images are so pervasive and unrelenting that they can become invisible. Men become akin to fish that do not recognize the water because it is always around them. Regardless, these messages impact us in profound ways.???

The dominant mandate is not to be feminine, as if masculine and feminine were distributed in a pure form by gender. They are not.

Having feelings and, most of all, expressing a full range of emotions is forbidden for men. Feelings get relegated to the feminine realm as if men do not have them.

I contend that men know this is not true, yet it remains vital for them to pretend it is, causing them to deny their full humanity.

Consequently, they armor up to shield their true selves and compete fiercely to ensure their manliness will not be questioned.

What is the Cost of These Cultural Imperatives?

Men put on man masks to hide their feelings, fit in, and protect themselves – from other men, women, and themselves.

Men's feelings do not go away, however. They get stuffed and come out in distorted and harmful ways.

Wearing masks has damaging consequences.

There are reasons men commit 78% of suicides in the U.S., are responsible for the majority of violent crime, and suffer disproportionately from heart disease and stroke.

The contrast between their internal and external selves can cause men to question whether they are man enough. Unwittingly, men compare their insides to other men’s outsides. They do not realize other men have similar feelings because they are all wearing masks, too.

They do their best to fit into a restrictive man box and police others to make sure they also comply with this shut-down version of what it means to be a man.

In their excellent book Reinventing Masculinity: The Liberating Power of Compassion and Connection, Dr. Ed Adams and Ed Frauenheim write that 'confined men focus more on their separateness from others rather than on their sense of belonging. Confined masculinity has a fearful outlook and a mindset of scarcity. It causes (men) to band together against people defined as other.'??

You do not have to be male to support and uphold the patriarchy in which we live. ?Women play an essential role in shaping manhood, too.

Women represent a dual threat to men. Men fear being like them and being judged negatively by them.

To avoid any perceived weakness, many men believe they need to dominate women and sometimes other men.

What Becomes Possible if Men Lower Their Masks?

An Unmasking Experience

The following experience occurred twenty years ago, and still, it sticks with me.

On the Sunday morning of a men's weekend retreat, the facilitator, Ed Adams, passed out half-masks that covered our faces from just above our eyes down to and across the upper portion of our noses.

He requested the twenty-three men assembled look at one another in our masks. It felt silly.

He then asked the men to reveal something about themselves to the other men they had never disclosed before. After which, they were to remove their masks.

It was a compelling and moving experience – with vulnerable sharing, more than a few tears shed, deep appreciation for each other and what we had experienced, and heartfelt bear hugs all around.

The elevated levels of safety and trust in the room were palpable.

Ed had invited the men to fully immerse themselves in the visceral experience of lowering their masks in the presence of other men.

We actively witnessed one another, used our voices, listened intently, and engaged our bodies by physically removing our masks. We learned we all shielded significant parts of ourselves from others.

I want all men to practice the habit of lowering their masks to make it safe for other men to drop theirs – for the betterment of men, women, children, and the planet.

Men's embrace of their full humanity, including their so-called feminine qualities, does not threaten their manhood. It creates pathways to its most robust embodiment.

The alternative is for men to wear masks that constrict and diminish us, hurting others in the process.

As the song lyric states, the mask ends up wearing you if you are not careful.

Worthy Inquiries:

1. How would relationships between men and women change if men genuinely listened to women without judgment and let go of their compulsion to fix?
2. What would happen if men were fully committed to creating and maintaining physical and psychological safety to build trust at home and work instead of contributing to a lack of safety? What kind of trust and collaboration would that enable?
3. What would it be like if men could admit their fears—of women and, equally important, their fears of other men? How would their vulnerability bolster relationships and enhance their courage and creativity? What kinds of conversations would become possible?
4. What would it be like if men embraced their whole selves, including their so-called feminine parts, and made it safe for others to do the same? How much more accepting and compassionate would they be towards themselves and others?
5. If men could lower their masks and embrace the fullness of their humanity, what degree of healing energy would be unleashed on behalf of everyone and the planet?

If you want to discuss ways to develop and grow your leadership to benefit yourself, your team, your family, or your organization, please reach out to me. I welcome the connection.

Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training of individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.

A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, among others, can be found on Spotify.

Bravely bring your curiosity to a conversation with Rob, schedule via voice or text @ 484.800.2203 or [email protected] .

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