The Cost of Shame-Mongering

Dear friend, yesterday I listened to the presidential debate, and something that struck me was the way shame crept into both candidates' messages.

• "You should be ashamed of the way you have run this country."
• "Why should we let someone as shameful as you run our country?"

Shame was used to weaponize folks to rally around a side. In other words, "Let's create an 'in' group and an 'out' group. Shame on the folks who are on the [out]side."

Regardless of your political views, I want to invite you to think about the cost of shame-mongering at a societal level.

Shame says, "You're canceled. You have been written off from this social pack and social pact."

If we were to unpack that, cancellation is about unsubscribing and erasure. It says, "You no longer belong here."

Being written off the social pack and pact means, "Our social contract has been rescinded. You no longer belong with us. Now go and sit alone with your shame."

The Cancel Culture Industrial Complex thrives off of shame, and vice versa. It has permeated pop culture, politics and now the populace.

A personal lens on the danger of shame

As I watched the debate, I kept wondering why the dog whistling around shame felt so familiar. Then I realized it's because shame has been so pervasive in the fragments of my identity as an Asian American refugee woman...

Understanding how collectivism survives off of shame

The Asian culture around collectivism weaponizes shame to keep people in line. I remember my Japanese teacher telling us a saying from his home country:

The nail that sticks out gets hammered down.

Your individualism and authenticity get hammered out of you as a survival mechanism. In most eastern households, you get mentally, emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically punished for sticking out. "If we let you stick out too much in this house, you'll go outside and bring shame to all of us, not just you. Do you really want the world to think so lowly of us?--and to cast all of us out just because of your selfish individualism? How dare you be so self-important!" Thus, it is more important for the group to be happy and perceived as healthy than for the individual to be happy and [mentally] healthy.

The childhood picture that I used for my feature image shows me being goofy and silly, with my arms up in the air. I remember being a toddler and being told that if I wanted to be seen as a good girl from a respectable home, I had to present myself as quiet, obedient and poised. There was no room to dilly dally and dance.

When I look back at this picture, it feels both liberating and dangerous. My actions were in defiance of our collectivist norms. I was a rebel who understood the cultural consequences of letting my joy scream out loud.

Exploring the arrested development of our society due to toxic masculinity

When we talk about feminist theory, we sometimes forget that all folks benefit from the empowerment of women and the divine feminine.

Feminism emancipates all of us from toxic gender roles and expectations.

Yet, toxic and fragile masculinity wants us to stay within old, outdated power constructs. It is aided by the status quo and social and legal norms that bind us into submission. A quick historical refresher: human civilization started around 2 billion years ago. American women were only allowed to start voting 104 years ago within that 2 billion year timeline.

This aversion to growth and social progress (as well as democracy) is what keeps us in a state of arrested development as a culture and a nation. It is no wonder our political body cannot mature.

Here's the net-loss as a result:

• Instead of having a body of people who have an abundance mindset, we have a body of people who have a scarcity mindset--especially around resources. "I am convinced we will go from having just a little to not enough at all; I must protect my interests at all costs."
• Instead of having a body of people who can self-actualize, we have a body of people who feel trapped at Maslow's base levels in his hierarchy of needs. "I am fighting for my physiological needs and my safety and security. I will turn everyone into an opponent and sociopolitical adversary because I fear the loss of my resources. There is no time to think about belonging." (Maslow's five levels are: physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, self-esteem and self-actualization).
• Instead of having a body of people who value self-liberation, we have a body of people who prefer subjugation. "I need to guarantee that I come out on top. Being on top implies a hierarchy. Someone must be below me in order for my status to be realized and enforced. If I have to invent foes, I will."

If Scarcity Mindset had a Venn diagram in American society, it'd feature the following circles of thought:

• Perceived loss and lack of resources: people worried about continued inflation and devaluation of the dollar, financial insecurity and the [perceived] threat that someone else's gain comes at the price of someone else's loss
• Isolation and rejection: people feeling physically and digitally divided and isolated due to a myriad of reasons, from inequitable access to the internet to political ideology; this can lead to self-rejection or fears of social rejection
• Shame: people entertaining feelings of shame and humiliation as a result of feeling under threat, less-than, isolated and rejected
• Anger and defensiveness: people who feel agitated and cornered (especially due to scarcity mindsets and feelings of rejection and shame) and activated to protect their interests

This Venn diagram reinforces unhealthy mental and emotional models and self-image

• For instance, we know that "there's a strong link between debt and poor mental health . People with debt are more likely to face common mental health issues, such as prolonged stress, depression, and anxiety. (Source: Equifax )"
• Per Eleanor Wilkinson, "Contemporary constructions often position loneliness as something shameful and potentially pathological. Loneliness is framed as an individual failure, or a failure of community, rather than a structural condition. While loneliness is now understood as widespread, there is still a sense that one should not admit to feeling lonely, as to be lonely is to have failed."

Here is a relevant quote from a study by Ipsos and POLITICO:

Roughly seven in ten Americans (69%) agree with Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff when he said “We’ve kind of confused what it means to be a man, what it means to be masculine. You’ve got this trope out there that you’ve got to be tough and angry and lash out to be strong. It’s just the opposite. … Strength is how you show your love for people. … And how you stick up for other people and [push back] against bullies.” Democrats and Republicans are equally likely to agree with this sentiment (73% agree, respectively).

The relationship between shame and repair

Although the ADAA notes that "the function of shame is to prevent us from damaging our relationships and motivate us to repair them if we’ve damaged them," I wonder if we are in a post-shame era.

Have we ingested shame for so long as a country that it has fermented in our bellies? Has this fermented version of shame turned into something else altogether?--a brand of self-rejection that is so strong it restricts a lack of repair?

What are the cultural and political ramifications of shame? I believe it will be the price that we pay--not just at the voting ballot, but as a generation of national and global citizens. We may be dissolving the work of previous generations that organized to put in civil and legal protections of all members of human civilization.

"Fun" fact from my global policy days: the idea that every human has fundamental human rights is less than 80 years old. Modern human rights law was put into practice for the first time in the 40s, following World War II.

On an international level, as Civil rights are determined by the laws or constitutions of an individual country, and Human rights are considered universal to any human being, some human rights become civil rights when governments choose to put those rights into national laws. (Source: US Institute of Diplomacy and Human Rights)

I want to take a momentary detour to talk about Hmong history, and how we may be able to glean some valuable lessons from it.

• My Hmong ancestors originated where Southern China is today, 4000 years ago.
• As the Chinese grew in population in power, they started waging war with tribal groups such as the Hmong. Tribal groups that refused to unify with the Chinese (giving up their unique cultural identities such as language and customs) had to either migrate elsewhere, or they had to face the threat of genocide.
• A form of cultural genocide, erasure and censorship included being banned from writing in our formal text (character script). You can also interpret this as a form of shame-mongering and elitism, "Your language (spoken and written) is subpar; we will not allow you to use it. Moreover, we see how your written language could educate and empower people; we will ban you from writing (and thus educating and liberating) your people."
• The Hmong people were never an intentional migrant community. We were a displaced nation, forced to leave our motherland.
• Wherever we have gone since (from the mountains of Thailand and Laos to all over the world), we have faced unwelcome sentiments. "You don't belong here, therefore you may not exercise the same legal or civil rights. We may not even give you access to education or other forms that can lead to upward mobility, to ensure that you remain undermined and historically underresourced." (In-group vs. out-group mentalities naturally inflict feelings of shame).
• A common experience between immigrants and refugees is the feeling of being second-class citizens. This can look and feel like the embodiment of passiveness as a form of escapism, survival or subjugation. It can feel like a silent understanding that you have less privileges to stand up for your civil rights and legal rights.

As a Hmong refugee and immigrant, I have seen the pain of intergenerational shame due to collectivist norms, on top of the survival instinct to stay in form (to avoid being caught, shamed, hurt, punished, killed, etc.). I have seen how the the prisoner and the captive are stuck in unproductive and harmful paradigms--and how captives can perpetuate the same kind of culture instead of challenging and unlearning it. I have also experienced how being a marginalized person within an already marginalized group can leave one feeling hopeless and helpless--and how self-empowerment as a marginalized person can be an uphill battle. What would it look like if we focused less on finger pointing and repeating history?

Closing words

As a nation, we have started a powerful and needed conversation on reparations. I wonder if we can ever get to the point of having a constructive conversation about social repair. Without this conversation, I worry that we will be stuck in a cycle of shame-mongering and victimization.

On your way out

This entry is a departure from my usual newsletter notes. As a disclaimer, I have shared my personal views here, unaffiliated with any of my professional associations. I hope my words have helped you think about themes such as power, citizenship, social constructs and the psychological and cultural byproducts of shame.

Sincerely,

Phim

PS Here's a non-American study that speaks to shame and anger can be explored through this fascinating report on the National Library of Medicine site. I will share a screenshot of the abstract to summarize its research: