The Cost and Reward of Empathy

With?#ruokday?on the horizon again, I thought I would write this article focused on empathy. People who have followed me for some time may have noticed that I haven't published a newsletter for over a month.

The reason for that is that I have been experiencing symptoms of burnout. In addition, the first half of this year flew by after the last two years of COVID. I was on the road continuously, and managing family, work, lack of sleep and pressure took its toll.

I am not meant to suffer from burnout. I have been operating most of my career at a pace and efficiency that has had me achieve a considerable amount. For over 18 months, I flew between Sydney and Los Angeles every second or third week and then back home again. I never experienced burnout.

However, here I was at the end of June this year. I lost my passion for my work. Getting up was a drag; I had lost my energy and zest. Things I found enjoyable I didn't find enjoyable anymore. I got grumpy with my colleagues, wife, and kids, and my usual optimism for life vanished.

I WAS SUFFERING!

A good friend noticed that I was off when we last caught up. So he called me out of the blue one Friday afternoon on his way home from work and asked me if everything was ok.

He asked me if I was ok. I told him of the struggles I was experiencing, that I did not feel myself and that I didn't understand why. Everything in my life was great, but I was in a funk. I had no reason to feel that way.

He listened to me for a while and then asked. So what's stressing you out? This question opened the floodgate as I started talking about all the little things that had been building up. The pressure of raising a young family while building a business. The stress of replacing the revenue from a customer who had pulled a contract out of the blue. And my dad, who was diagnosed with cancer, and the inevitability of that, to name just a few.

Without judgement, he said, "I am not surprised at all you feel burnt out".

When someone checked in with me, they listened and said they completely understood me. Without judgement, without sympathising with me and without trying to fix me or my situation, it opened the door for me to realise I needed to take some action, which wouldn't go away on its own.

I am glad to say that after a few sessions with a psychologist, working through how to manage these stresses and putting some strategies in place, my energy, vitality, capacity, and optimism are all starting to come back, and I am feeling myself again.

This experience has had me reflect on another moment in my life. In 2012, while living in Los Angeles, I was dealing with one of the biggest corporations in Switzerland.

It was a significant deal that required sign-off with the company's CEO. Ultimately because the deal's value was so massive, and the company was also taking warrants in our startup.

I had met the CEO once. He was a lovely man with a happy disposition, good marriage, and loving family and was at the pinnacle of his career. Anyone from the outside looking in would have been envious of his life and position.

The morning the deal was to be signed, I received a call from my Executive Sponsor telling me that the CEO had been found in his home that morning. He had committed suicide.

I immediately thought that maybe there was some corruption or reason for it, that he was avoiding being caught or had been hiding the state of his marriage. However, none of those catastrophes eventuated. Therefore, there seemed no reason this man should take his life. But he did!

What if someone had recognised the small nuances in his behaviour and asked if he was ok?

Perhaps this could have been avoided by simply asking someone. R U OK is an act of empathy that can reap great rewards and avoid huge costs.

However, we find it difficult to do.

What if I am being intrusive?

What if I am just imagining this person is a little down?

What if I have to feel what they are feeling, or their issues make me feel low?

These are just three barriers that get in our way. The list is not exhaustive.

We mistake empathy for sympathy.

Empathy is standing at the top of the well, throwing a life preserver to the person at the bottom, and supporting them as they pull themselves up out of the well. Sympathy is lowering yourself into the well with them and carrying them out on your back.

Asking someone if they are ok is not jumping down into the well. It's throwing the life preserver down to them and asking them to examine whether they really are ok or not.

Asking if someone is OK is an opening. But it is not a rescue!

Mental health and burnout right now are at an all-time high. So if someone is being irritable more than usual, lacks energy or seems more pessimistic than optimistic. Give yourself permission to ask.

If you are still reading this article, I want to ask you a question.

R U OK?

The cost of not asking is enormous. The benefit is tremendous.