The Cost of our K-12 Schooling

“What is the purpose of my life?”

“What is the meaning of what I do?”

“How can I become truly happy?”?

These are questions that I see adults asking themselves daily as they try to make sense of the world.

The caveat is that from the outside, these same adults seem fine. They have a beautiful family, a job that provides financial security, and social lives that keep them busy. And yet, there is an emptiness that exists with them. The reality is that, for most of us, we get so used to being on autopilot, that we keep going through the mindless motions of living for the weekends.?

The hustle and the grind never stops, keeping us going in an endless cycle.

The question I always ask myself is,

When did these habits in this cycle begin?

My take is that it all originated in our precious years of K-12 schooling. A time where we were “learning” and working towards a pathway of ideal success. Something unfortunate happened during that time. The more we strived, received praise for our achievements, and graduated from top tier universities, our inner knowing began to leave us. We lost our own way in the name of awards and recognition by the external world.?

This makes me wonder:

WHAT IS THE COST OF OUR SCHOOLING SYSTEM IN ADULTHOOD??

Below are the symptoms I have witnessed that stem from our schooling system. As parents and caregivers, we have to become aware that if we continue to move forward in the “regular” pathway of success, our children will suffer in adulthood and form these unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms that could last a lifetime.?

Striving for Perfection:?

Child in School:

As children, there was something that symbolized the highest degree of achievement. This was the letter grade “A” or a 4.0 GPA. When we achieved that, we received the utmost respect by our teachers, parents, and schools. As children, we internalize that if we produce “perfect” work, we will be rewarded and accepted by the world.

Adult in Life:

I don’t know about you - but I’m a recovering perfectionist. I have this inner fear that if the work I present to the world is not perfect, that I have failed in life. This feeling is so persistent, that I have deeply looked to discover where this originated from. I think a part was because my parents pushed for perfection themselves so it was what I knew growing up. Now pair that with a schooling system where striving for a perfect A was received with the utmost respect. I had internalized that being perfect was the only way I would be valued in our society.?

What are the repercussions of this for our children? With academic pressure rising (specifically in a time where “learning loss” is the term coined indefinitely by our government), how can we avoid raising our children with the feeling that they need to be perfect??

People Pleasing Tendencies:?

Child in School:

Back in the days of schooling, most adults held the power in the room. They were the ones who gave us permission to answer a question, read a book, and even go to the bathroom. There were adults in the space who gave us permission. As children, we became so used to seeking adults to respond with “yes” or “no” answers that we lost our power to make critical choices for ourselves. The consequences of this permission seeking results in people pleasing and a need for external validation. We are constantly looking for someone to say “yes.”?

Adult in Life:

As adults, many of us have lost our inner compass that we get used to asking others for advice. This could be needing permission from our spouse, our families, our friends, and even our boss. This relentless pursuit to get validation from others stems from needing to look outside of ourselves for answers.?

The question is - Do we want this for our children? Our children deserve to not have to seek permission for making choices, especially when they will have to navigate life on their own and deserve to develop autonomy and leadership.?

Fear of Making Mistakes:

Child in School:

I saw this over and over again as an educator in the classroom. Students became so used to avoiding mistakes, because with mistakes came blame and shame. Sometimes this was through a grade on a report card, and other times it was through the language that was presented by adults in our schooling system. “If you don’t turn this in, you will fail.” “The more questions you get wrong, the less likely you will score well on the test.” For many children, mistakes are associated with unworthiness. So, how does this affect us in adulthood??

Adult in Life:

The avoidance of taking risks because of fear of failure is potent amongst many adults. I see this often when I see people in jobs they dislike, knowing they have a creative idea to pursue but are more afraid of taking the risk, rather than fulfilling their dreams. It’s as if we have been told over and over again that failure means falling behind and losing security. It’s similar to getting answers wrong on a test. This need to have security in our lives, even when it means staying in an uncomfortable situation, shows how much our schooling system does not push for risks and making mistakes.?

Running Away from Our True Potential:

Child in School:

Every child is curious. We are all natural-born learners. We want to learn about the world, navigating the parts of it that we find fascinating and interesting. And yet our schooling teaches children that one linear path is the only true potential of a person. The other “gifts” we carry should not be pursued. If pursued, it should be a side hobby. We are told over and over again that certain career paths are better, and this is the way you fit in within the fabric of our society.?

Adult in Life:

Many of us know in our guts what feels aligned for us. Some of us are deeply creative - seeking to become writers, thought leaders, artists, and more. Yet we dim our lights just like we did when we were in school. We were taught to stay within the crowd, and that any form of exploration would create a friction that was unacceptable and feared by others.?We run away from true potential in the name of pleasing others.

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As parents and caretakers, it is up to us to avoid this cost of our schooling system for future generations. We have to look critically at how we are affected everyday by our obedient way of learning, still spinning our wheels to strive towards an illusion of being accepted in our world.

Let’s show our children a different way of learning. The cost of maintaining the status quo is too high. Without this, our children will indefinitely become adults who strive for perfection, struggle with pleasing people, become less risk takers, and, ultimately, have a difficult time striving for their true potential. The question becomes - are we willing to do the work now to avoid the repercussions of the future??

Which part of this article resonated with you??

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Conscious Education Starter Kit:?

Komal’s book “Raise Your Hand! A Call for Consciousness in Education”

Spotify Playlist for Conscious Education

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