The Cost of Making Assumptions

Life is often like the surface of a calm sea—smooth and serene to the outside observer, but beneath, there can be a powerful current of challenges, emotions, and experiences that remain hidden. I was reminded of this truth one day, many years ago.

It had been a devastating week: my partner, in his early 40’s, had suffered a heart attack and was hospitalised. My mother-in-law, battling dementia, had fallen and required hospitalisation as well. On top of that, it had been one of my son’s birthdays amidst the chaos. I felt like I was balancing on a tightrope, with the weight of my responsibilities pulling me dangerously close to the edge.

By Friday afternoon, I was gutted and while picking up an order at a familiar shop, the owner—a very kind, well-meaning person I often interacted with—asked me how I was. Despite being overwhelmed, I mustered an unconvincing “OK.” To my surprise, she replied, “Oh, it couldn’t be that bad.”

Her words, however innocent, struck a nerve. In that moment, I revealed a brief glimpse of my week’s trials. She was visibly shocked and deeply apologetic, and the interaction left an indelible impression on us both. It underscored an essential lesson: we cannot know the weight others are carrying, and assumptions about their lives or feelings can inadvertently diminish their struggles.

Why Assumptions Hurt More Than We Realise

Assumptions are like diagnostic errors in a clinical setting—they can lead us down the wrong path and sometimes do more harm than good. When we assume someone’s personal or professional life is simple, manageable, or “not that bad,” we inadvertently invalidate their experience. This can:

• Erode trust: People may feel they cannot share their truth with us.
• Amplify isolation: Feeling unseen or misunderstood can make difficult situations even harder to bear.
• Hinder meaningful support: Assumptions blind us to opportunities to help, offer kindness, or just listen.

Practising Compassionate Curiosity

As leaders, colleagues, and friends, we benefit from cultivating compassionate curiousity. This means approaching others with a mindset that prioritises understanding over judgement, or assumptions. Just as in a health assessment, you wouldn’t decide on a treatment without first investigating symptoms, we shouldn’t form opinions about others’ lives without understanding their reality.

Here’s how to practise this:

1. Ask open-ended questions: Instead of “How are you?”, try “How’s everything going for you at the moment?” This invites a fuller, more honest response.
2. Listen without interjecting: Silence can be a powerful tool for allowing others to feel heard.
3. Validate emotions, not circumstances: Even if their challenges don’t seem overwhelming to you, acknowledge their feelings as valid and significant.
4. Resist offering immediate solutions: Sometimes, people need empathy more than advice.

What Happens When We Let Go of Assumptions

When we consciously choose understanding over assumption, we build bridges of trust and compassion. Imagine a workplace where team members feel genuinely seen and supported, or a community, where empathy fuels stronger relationships. This can lead to:

• Improved morale and connection: People are more likely to thrive when they feel understood.
• Better teamwork: Empathy fosters collaboration and a sense of shared purpose.
• Stronger resilience: Knowing that others “get it” can be a powerful motivator to keep going.

A Closing Thought

The shop owner’s comment that day wasn’t malicious—it came from a place of not knowing. But it reinforced for me a lasting truth: people’s lives are intricate, often full of hidden stories. By leading with compassionate curiosity, we honour those stories, build deeper connections, and create environments where everyone feels safe to be real.

How does that old saying go? Making assumptions is making an ASS of U & ME.

Let’s remember, the calm sea we see may be holding more than meets the eye. Our role isn’t to chart the depths for others but to offer the lighthouse of understanding that guides them through.