The Cost of Compassion: Why Leaders Must Care for Themselves Too

*Starkeeper Morton is CEO aka Keeper of The Haven in Stonehaven amongst many other things

As leaders, our feelings often take a backseat. Our main role is to make sure everyone else is ok and doing well. I had a moment of realisation during one of my kids’ yoga classes when I asked how everyone was feeling. A girl asked me how I was, and I was stunned. Without thinking, I answered, "I can’t remember the last time someone asked me that."

During the pandemic, this was even worse. I was grieving my grandmother, suffering from walking pneumonia, and feeling utterly burnt out. I used to do a shift at the community food larder, then lay in a dark room for hours afterward, trying to recover. For an empath, someone who feels everything so deeply in their body, it was very challenging.

One day, a regular visitor to the larder started unloading all of their issues onto me. Normally, I can hold that space, let people feel seen and heard. But that day, I couldn’t. I physically put my hand up and said, "I don’t have the capacity to support you today, but I’ll get another volunteer who can." He didn’t stop. He didn’t even hear me. How I was feeling didn’t factor into this arrangement whatsoever.?

In that moment, I realised that, to some, I could be anyone and anything, someone who exists purely to absorb their problems without consideration of how it might be affecting me. Leaders are often put in this position. A 2022 study found that 60% of leaders feel isolated and 70% are actively considering leaving their role due to burnout. It’s no surprise. We’re expected to keep going, keep giving, without time to recharge or reflect.

I promised myself that day that I would never let myself get into that condition again. I needed to massively level up the self-care, boundaries and personal time to ensure I was receiving proportionality to the amount I was giving. We can’t pour from an empty cup, no matter how much we care. ESPECIALLY can’t sacrifice our own wellbeing for a wellbeing organisation! Setting boundaries isn’t just essential for our wellbeing—it allows us to lead with authenticity and resilience.?

So, here’s my reminder to fellow leaders: your feelings matter, too. Sometimes, it's okay to put your hand up and say, “Not today.”