The cost of an apology

Happy New Year, and welcome to the first newsletter of 2025!

As we step into this fresh chapter, I've been reflecting on some recurring themes that tend to surface in relationships during the holiday season, and one that stands out is apologising.

In recent couples coaching and therapy sessions, this topic has come up repeatedly. The holiday period often brings us into closer proximity with family and partners, which can lead to increased tension. Picture it like being in a bumper car at a fairground - constantly bumping into each other as we navigate daily life.

With our partners especially, we tend to replay old patterns of relating - habits and responses we have developed over time. The intensity of these dynamics is heightened during the holidays, as we’re often confined to a shared space without the usual breaks, like going to work or school. This close quarters environment can magnify the emotional friction, causing old conflicts to come to the surface.

Here’s the key: our ability to repair these bumps and bruises is our superpower in relationships. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. For some of us, apologising can be incredibly difficult and emotionally charged.

Think about a time when your partner:

?? called you by the wrong name

?? didn't make you a cup of coffee

?? spent all night on their phone

?? made decisions without you

Apologies are a critical aspect of relationship dynamics, as they involve acknowledging wrongdoing, accepting responsibility, and expressing regret.

However, despite their importance, apologising can come with significant emotional challenges, especially when complex feelings or unresolved personal issues are at play.

Let's explore the emotional costs associated with apologising in relationships:

1. Vulnerability

Apologising requires vulnerability. When we say "I'm sorry," we open ourselves up emotionally, admitting that we’ve hurt someone or made a mistake. This can feel risky, especially if we're unsure how our partner will respond.

• Why it costs emotionally: Being vulnerable can trigger feelings of insecurity, particularly if we fear our partner may not accept our apology or may hold the mistake over us in the future. Admitting fault can create a sense of exposure.

2. Shame and Self-Esteem

For many of us, apologising brings up feelings of shame. While guilt is the feeling of regret about a specific action [I did something wrong], shame is a more pervasive feeling tied to self-worth [I am wrong]. Apologising can confront us with the idea that we are bad or unworthy in some way.

• Why it costs emotionally: Apologising may feel like a confirmation of our deepest fears - that we are inadequate or undeserving of love and respect. This emotional weight can lead to avoidance of apologising altogether or defensiveness when confronted.

3. Fear of Loss of Power

In relationships, apologising can feel like a surrender of control or power. There is often a subconscious belief that by admitting fault, we are handing over leverage or putting ourselves in subordinate position.

• Why it costs emotionally: Apologising may evoke anxiety about being taken advantage of or losing influence within the relationship. It can also stir up fears that the partner will use the apology as ammunition in future conflicts, keeping a mental score of who has been right or wrong.

4. Ego and Pride

The act of apologising requires us to suppress our ego. In relationships, our ego is closely tied to our sense of identity and our need to be seen in a positive light. Apologising can challenge our self-image by forcing us to admit that we’ve made a mistake or caused harm.

• Why it costs emotionally: Letting go of pride can feel emotionally taxing, especially if we believe it diminishes our standing in the relationship or affects how we see ourselves. It requires a conscious effort to put the relationship’s well-being above the need to be right, which can be an emotionally difficult process.

5. Fear of Rejection or Punishment

One of the most emotionally taxing aspects of apologising is the fear of rejection or punishment. There’s always a risk that the apology will not be accepted, that it will fall on deaf ears. The uncertainty of the response can create significant emotional strain.

• Why it costs emotionally: The risk of rejection or negative consequences after an apology can create deep emotional stress. The fear of further conflict or emotional distance from the partner can make it feel safer to avoid the apology altogether, even though it may be necessary for healing the relationship.

6. Emotional Fatigue

Apologising can be emotionally exhausting, especially in relationships where conflicts are frequent or unresolved issues persist. The emotional cost is higher when apologies are part of a repetitive cycle of hurt and forgiveness, where it feels like no real change is happening despite the apologies.

• Why it costs emotionally: Repeated apologies without resolution can make it feel like the relationship is stuck in a loop, draining emotional energy. The apologizer may start to feel hopeless or resentful if the apology process doesn’t lead to positive change, leading to emotional exhaustion.

7. Identity and Beliefs

In some cases, apologising touches on deep-seated beliefs about ourselves and the nature of relationships. For example, if we were raised in an environment where admitting fault was punished harshly, apologising can feel deeply threatening.

• Why it costs emotionally: Apologising in these cases may trigger unresolved trauma or challenge fundamental beliefs about self-worth and relationships, leading to emotional resistance.

The Importance of Emotional Investment

While the emotional cost of apologising in relationships can be high, it's important to recognise that these costs stem from the emotional investment we make in our relationships. Apologising is difficult because relationships matter - they affect our sense of identity, safety, and belonging.

To minimise the emotional cost of apologising:

• Cultivate a safe space: Both partners should work to create a relationship environment where mistakes and apologies are met with empathy, understanding, and grace.
• Practice self-compassion: Recognise that apologising doesn’t diminish our worth; it enhances the strength and resilience of our relationships.
• Focus on growth: See apologies as opportunities for personal growth, not as admissions of failure.

Engage with this conversation: Have you ever struggled with apologising? What helped you move past it, and what did you learn in the process? Share your thoughts in the comments.