Corporate Theater: 9/27

Week 3: September 22, 2022

Beyond Meat vegan food chief operating officer Doug Ramsey charged with battery after allegedly biting man's nose: source

CAST: 1) Hamhock–Mark 2) Ribsy–Hawk 3) Chuck–Ashley

Meanwhile, at the international headquarters for B.E.E.F (Bureau of Encouraging Eaters of Flesh)...

[deep, throaty voices -- like they’re all 700 lbs.]

Hamhock: ?[chewing]? Oh god, these bacon-stuffed cow livers are delish! Throw me a couple dozen more, Ribsy!

Ribsy:? Pass me the crock of loose-meat, Chuck -- I need to smother my flank steaks!

Chuck:? You must have one of these au jus and brown gravy smoothies -- to DIE for!

[laughing and chomping, burping, disgusting sounds]

Hamhock:? Alright, let’s get down to business -- it seems we’ve had some interesting developments during the last week, isn’t that right Ribsy?

Ribsy:? Most definitely (burp) -- bad times have come to that horrid little plant peddler, Beyond Meat!

All:? Booooo! We hate Beyond Meat! Enemy of the people! Witches! [disgusted reactions]

Ribsy:? Apparently, they’re hemorrhaging cash---

Chuck:? Mmmmm…bloood…mmmmm…

Ribsy:? The masses are wising up to their plant-based black magic -- they’re seeing it for the tasteless scam it is -- and, of course, that’s in part to our planting---

Hamhock:? Ahhhhh! Don’t say plant!!!

Ribsy:? Sorry, sorry! Because of our seeding----

Chuck:? AHHHHH!!

Ribsy:? Oh for Chrissakes -- due to our influence within the right-wing community, people are turning their noses up to fake meat companies in droves!

Hamhock:? It was a smart idea to put that maniacal idiot Marjorie Taylor Greene on our payroll, that’s for sure!

Ribsy:? Indeed -- and just last week, she went off on her “Beyond Meat is made from bugs” tirade again -- this time to a group of Republican youth!

Chuck:? Ooooo -- that’s good -- whenever we can get a chance to mold young minds or stomachs, that’s a good thing! Umm…they’re not really made from bugs are they..?

Ribsy:? Who knows?! They might as well be -- it’s not red-blooded American beef, so who gives a shit what it is!

Chuck:? Mmmmm…red-blooded…

Ribsy:? And finally, you’re not going to believe this unfortunate incident that befell Beyond Meat? -- the company’s COO Doug Ramsey attacked someone in a fit of road rage and actually bit the tip of their nose off!

Chuck:? [choking]? You are joking!!!

Ribsy:? No! It’s true! According to the press:? Ramsey got into a violent altercation with a man who ran into Ramsey’s car -- he punched through the poor guy’s windshield, grabbed him and, I quote, "bit the owner's nose, ripping the flesh on the tip of the nose"!

Chuck:? Oh my god -- that’s beautiful! I guess the ‘C’ in COO means cannibal now!

All:? Hahahahaha!

Hamhock:? And the best thing about that story is that the man whose nose was bitten off is an Agent of BEEF!

Ribsy and Chuck:? Nooo!

Hamhock:? Yes! He works for our office in Arkansas -- seems the hot-tempered Ramsey is known for his hatred of Subaru(s) so we had an agent pose as an unsuspecting Subaru driver who “accidentally” backed into Ramsey’s car and hoped for the best -- we couldn’t have asked for a better outcome!

Ribsy:? That agent should get some sort of commemoration for sure!

Hamhock:? Oh he is! We’re buying him a whole new nose and a gift card to Omaha Steaks!

All:? Mmmmm…Omaha Steaks -- yumyum….

Ribsy:? So, hopefully this will be the end of Beyond Meat and we can put our sights on other evils -- like that chicken coup of Jesus freaks known as Chick-Fil-A!

Chuck:? Ugh! Poultry!

Hamhock:? I never understood how people can actually eat birds!!

Ribsy:? They’re such disgusting and dirty creatures!

Chuck:? Disgusting! [burp, chewing sounds]

Hamhock:? Simply gross! [burping, chewing]

Ribsy:? Hey, hand me some of those congealed bacon fat squares -- soooo goooood! [burp]

[eating sounds, burping, choking, chewing]?

FIN

An uncrewed rocket from Jeff Bezos' Blue Origin failed just over a minute after launch: source

Cast: 1) Bezos–Hawk 2) Technician–Courtney

(countdown sounds)

https://youtu.be/oQHTsT2v6QQ

Technician:? Alright, everyone -- we have a go for launch of NS23, the New Shepard rocket, part of the Blue Origin series of rockets developed by our innovative dreamer, founder, CEO and…are you sure about this one..?

Bezos:? Yes -- just read what I gave you!

Technician:? …innovative dreamer, founder, CEO and Corporate Space Cadet, Jeff Bezos! Starting countdown..5, 4, 3---

Bezos:? Stop, I want to do it! I do all the countdowns! I do all the countdowns!

Technician:? Starting countdown again -- whenever you’re ready, sir.

Bezos:? OK, 5…4…3…2…BEZOS!!!

(blast-off sound)

Bezos:? Yeah!! Climb, baby -- CLIMB!!!

Technician:? rocket approaching 29,000 feet -- all looks good---

(explosion sound)

Bezos:? Wooo hooo! Look at ‘er go!

Technician:? Control, we seem to have had a major malfunction, over.

Bezos:? What? Where??

Technician:? The rocket is not supposed to explode, sir. And it just did that.?

Bezos:? Oh shit. Is that bad? That’s bad, right?

Technician:? Yes, sir -- it’s bad. The only good news is that the capsule did detach from the booster and should be parachuting to the ground shortly.

Bezos:? So, the crew is alive and well?

Technician:? There is no crew, sir.

Bezos:? They’re all dead?? Oh Christ! Just what we need! Call the lawyers!!

Technician:? No sir -- no one is dead -- there was no one in the rocket -- it was an unmanned mission.

Bezos:? I knew it was unmanned! I just thought that meant it was an all female crew -- unmanned…

Technician:? (sigh) No sir -- unmanned means no crew.

Bezos:? Well, I think that’s a very sexist word! Write that down -- I’m objecting to obvious sexism in my workplace. What was the point of this flight again..?

Technician:? The payload contained a variety of high school science projects and thousands of postcards written by 3rd graders from Louisiana and Kentucky.

Bezos:? Oh right -- one of the PR payloads! What a waste! I’m tired of these stupid little publicity stunts designed to capture the heart and soul of the general public! Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned risk-taking, dangerous space travel -- you know, like it used to be! We’re playing it too safe -- no more “unmanned” or unwomanned or ungendered flights! I want astronauts on every mission -- I didn’t put a lot of time and effort into designing those ultra-cool and super stylish flight suits for nothing!

Technician:? Our scientists don’t think we’re ready for that, sir -- the safety risk is too great at this point.

Bezos:? That’s what I mean! We need more risks -- just think if we did have a crew up there today -- they’d all be heroes -- martyrs for the cause! We’d be having 10 days of national mourning that would make people stop and think about space again. That’s what happened with the Challenger disaster -- people had gotten bored with shuttle missions and viewership was way down. Then the thing blew to bits and it made everyone say, “Oh yeah -- space travel is deadly -- it’s dangerous -- and those that do it are mother effin’ heroes!” Interest in space exploration skyrocketed after that and people took it seriously. We need that now -- big time!

Technician:? You’re surely not suggesting we risk people’s lives just because you want to drive a Blue Origin rover on the moon are you?

Bezos:? Well, not just that -- I want corporate offices up there too -- I want Amazon on the moon before Branson and Musk start building cheesy over-priced hotels and electric car dealerships up there. And I want a space station too -- just like the one in Moonraker -- and astronaut soldiers with cool laser guns -- peew, peew! PEEW -- PEEW!!

Technician:? Alright, I’m going to see how the capsule is after landing.

Bezos:? I want to be just like Drax from Moonraker -- but a good Bond villain, not a bad one -- bad only to Branson and Musk -- if I see them even coming close to my killer space station I’ll have my army of Amazon Moon Soldiers shoot them with their space laser guns -- peew, peew, peew, (rambling on like a kid playing with army men)

FIN

Bosses have ‘do-gooder fatigue’: They’re done caring about your well-being: source

Cast: 1) Teacher–Ashley 2) CEO–Mark 3) Kids -Ensemble

(kids talking sounds)

Teacher:? OK everyone -- we are privileged today to have Chester F. Bunstable with us here at Brian DePalma Elementary School for our Special Guest Story-Time!?

Kids:? Yay!

Teacher:? Mr. Bunstable is the Chief Executive Officer of Raptor Oil Company! That’s the company where most of your parents work!

Kids:? Yay!!

Teacher:? Mr. Bunstable is going to tell us a story he wrote all by himself that I’m sure you’ll enjoy very much -- let’s welcome to our story-time today!

Kids:? Yay!

CEO:? Hey kids! Wow, do I have a great story for you today! One with a kind and wise king, his many happy, loyal subjects and a nasty, ugly, horrible monster!

Kids:? Booo!

CEO: Our tale begins in the magical kingdom of uh..Raptor Company Land where the good king Chester, er Lester rules over the contented people. Everyone is happy and they work very hard -- sometimes 10 hours a day but they don’t mind because they love their company, er land and they love their King.?

But one day, a black cloud appeared over the kingdom and in that black cloud, there was something called a pandemic! The pandemic caused some people to get sick and not able to work. It also caused people to be afraid they might get sick and they started to ask if they could work from home. The king granted their request although it brought much hardship on him and the company, er Land. Then groups of people started asking to be paid even though they were sick and couldn’t work so the kind and gracious king granted them “sick days” even though that also brought hardship to the…land.?

Then, a group of people started demanding, not asking, but demanding that the king let them work from home until the pandemic ended, which all the king’s scientists and doctors said could take a long, long time. The group grew angry and ugly and called themselves a “union” and soon all the employees, er people joined this “union” and threw nasty smelling new demands at the king that had nothing to do with the pandemic -- like “paid vacations”, “maternity leave” and “8 hour work days”! They even started screaming for more money, which was the ugliest demand of them all! Well, I..er..the King couldn’t take it any longer -- he sat up from his throne and said in a booming voice, “NO! I will not give in to your horrid demands any longer! Enough is enough!” This caused the angry and ugly union to get even more angrier and uglier and it grew and grew until it towered above the town looking like a disgusting, hairy, monster with thousands of arms and rows and rows of sharp gnashing teeth and it let out an ear-shattering roar that blew the king out of his castle and into his newly renovated olympic-sized swimming pool! Well, the king really had had enough and he grew to an even bigger size than the union and brandished his mighty corporate power sword and struck the nasty, smelly, ugly union monster down and banished it from the Land forever!

Kids:? Yay!!

CEO:? So, you know what the moral of the story is, kids? The moral is that I was the good and gracious king of the story and all your parents were the nasty, smelly, ugly monsters! Oh yes! Your parents just took and took and took and became horrible, horrible monsters -- your parents are monsters, MONSTERS!? And I’m the good and gracious king who fired their asses and now they're all gone from Raptor Oil Company for good and I can start hiring cheaper workers that don’t throw impossible demands at me and everything can go back to the way it was! So, when you go home today, if most of you still have a home, never forget who your parents truly are and never forget that I saved this wretched town from an evil, evil monster!?

Kids: sobbing

Teacher:? Uh…let’s thank Mr. Bunstable---

CEO:? King -- from now on it’s King Bunstable!

Teacher:? Er…yes sir -- let’s all thank King Bunstable for coming today everyone!

Kids:? more sobbing?

CEO:? Ah, they’ll get over it -- it’ll make ‘em stronger…but not too strong…not too strong…

(maniacal laughing and ominous music playing -- dramatic exit type theme)

https://youtu.be/d-vbyjm6NcQ

19 sec mark

FIN

LVMH to employees: please take the stairs to save energy: source

Cast: 1) PA-Phil

Badly produced voice over a PA (this could be with a french accent):

PA: Uh, hello, workers of Louis Vuitton.? You may remember that last week we shut down the elevators and issued the order to take the stairs. We want to reiterate that this was certainly due to the environment, and, with the rising costs of energy, we wanted to save money—(catching himself) euh, I mean the environment!

We also did this for you, dear workers, and for your health, as we wanted you all to lose weight as, here at Louis Vuitton, we love to tell people what they must look like.

PA: However, after the recent wave of heart attacks in the stairwells, we have decided to rescind the mandate and we are turning the elevators on again.? This is also due to our wanting to protect the environment, as this many ambulances and hearses driving everyone to the hospitals and graveyards creates much too high a carbon footprint, and it is not, as some have been suggesting, due to the amount of money we are spending on the families of those in the hospital or the grave.

PA: Merci!

FIN

2: Patreon staff left with an agonizing 10-minute wait after CEO’s email detailing layoff process: source

Cast: 1) Lonnegan - Hawk 2) Clayton - Mark

During the following, the two characters remain calm and stoic and mildly accepting of all that happens to them. Almost like they are logical robots or Vulcans: they speak naturally but accept what is happening to them with incredible aplomb, composure, and sangfroid.

Lonnegan: Hey, Clayton, did you get the memo from the CEO?

Clayton: Uh, maybe, what did it say, Lonnegan?

L: It says “If you don’t receive such a calendar invitation within 10 minutes of my posting this message, your role is not impacted by today’s change.”

C: Wait. If we don’t receive an email, we’re not fired?

L: That’s right.

C: Wait. Hold on a second. Isn’t that how every moment works?

L: What do you mean?

C: Any time I don’t receive an email from the boss saying I’m fired, I’m not fired.

L: Yeah, that’s true.

C: Then why did the CEO of our company even mention this if this is how the world works?

L: Just likes to humiliate and keep us feeling less-than, I guess?

C: Yeah, probably.? Did you get an email?

L: It hasn’t been 10 minutes yet.? We just have to sit here and wait.

C: Jeez, that’s tough. What should we do?

L: Play cards?

C: Sounds good.

L: 5s are wild and deuces are high.

C: Fair.

Ping!

C: What was that?

L: I just got an email.? Hmmmm.

C: Are you…

L: (calmly) Oh, yeah. I’m getting fired at 4:30.

C: That’s too bad, Lonnegan.

L: What about you, Clayton?

C: Still no email. I guess I’m still working here?

L: Probably.

Ping!

L: Oh wait, what’s this?? I just got another email bumping my meeting up to 11 today.

C: That’s too bad.

L: Eh, it lets me eat lunch with my wife. That’ll be nice.

C: Nice to have worked with you, Lonnegan.

L: You too, Clayton.

FIN