Corporate speak of the week

It’s been an unusually prolific couple of weeks for corporate speak and I’ve now decided to add into the mix ‘business waffle’.

Sayers Group 'spokesman'

I thought I’d start with the corporate train crash that keeps on giving, the PwC tax leaks scandal…but this time focusing on the former CEO of PwC while all this was happening, Luke Sayers, he of ‘this is over’ fame. He might wish it was over, but it’s not.

While the Senate hearing into the scandal wrapped up a week or so ago there’s more great examples of corporate speak emanating from a spokesman for the Sayers Group in relation to the change in investment by a US-based venture capital fund (McLaren Strategic Ventures). Basically, they’ve pulled the pin on investing further as part of a ‘capital reduction’. Or according to the ‘spokesman' (Luke nowhere to be seen here...too busy with his pitch to extend his tenure at Carlton Football Club which he secured):

‘..we mutually agreed to reduce its shareholding to its current paid-up amount. Sayers Group’s register will continually change as Sayers Group adjusts allocations between investors, partners and staff’.

Too right given staff and partners are leaving in droves. And I am not sure its pitch that it’s focusing on ‘defining technology strategies, target operating models, technology capability uplift programs, investment plans and digital transformation’ is going to save it.

I mean, just how many ill-defined, waffly descriptors can you fit into one sentence? Several it seems.

And to top it off ‘the spokesman' went on to settle further into the corporate speak quicksand with this gem about the changing shareholding investment.

‘As with any new business, some parts are ahead of the plan, and other parts aren’t. That is why we invested in multiple service offerings from inception.’

REALLY? So Sayers Group was founded on the concept of ‘doing everything hoping that something would stick' (or at least Mathias Corman, Daniel Andrews or Carlton Football Club) would stick?

ScoMo Mark II

My next contended is ScoMo (Australia’s former Prime Minister/Minister for just about everything) who had a great write-up in the Australian Financial Review this week with the byline Meet ScoMo Mark II.

It’s clear that no company in Australia can risk taking him on as an adviser, director or…well, anything, so some supportive US companies have created roles for him to no doubt be paid a bundle of money … for what I am not sure. But one of them, DYNE Maritime (founded by a former US Navy intelligence officer, Tom Hennessey).

Tom waxed lyrical about DYNE’s interest in investing in young businesses in Australia designing dual use technology. And ScoMo’s role? He won’t become a director of said investments but provide a ‘reality check’ about what governments are likely to buy.

Reality check? Meaning what exactly? Well Tom clarified.

‘The value of Mr Morrison is in helping us think about potential companies (as investments) and navigating international markets’.

As far as I am aware, ScoMo has never been near owning or managing a business, ANY capacity to assess the merits or otherwise of the financials of a business, market opportunity or future growth of businesses, let alone complex international markets. No, AUKUS does not count.

Taking up a vacant role in Hillsong I can understand…advising on international investments and business acquisitions I can’t.

PwC - again

And my third contender for the week is, well, a PwC related example. This firm just can’t seem to cut a break. This gem was shared by Pilita Clark in the AFR in an article about job titles. The by-line got my attention first: When you have to answer to the chief underpants officer. I thought it was a reference to that great series of graphic novels by Dav Pilkey, Capitan Underpants, that my son loved…and so did I. But no, it’s the title of the founder of Joe Boxer, Nick Graham – well this makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is PwC’s advertisement for a job…where they said they were looking for:

‘a global verbal brand identity senior manager’ which involved ‘advancing verbal identity practices’ and ‘working effectively with cross-disciplinary teams and across languages to unify us as a single brand’.

I am a business historian (and book coach). I’ve worked with businesses in all industry sectors and around the world for over 30 years. Just what is ‘verbal brand identity’?

A new age term for a style guide?

A guide to getting rid of corporate speak? (FAIL)

An attempt to get audit and tax teams to work together? Just look how that has turned out here in Australia. (FAIL)

As to unifying them as a single brand…REALLY. Has the international board of PwC not realised the impact of the metastasising tax leaks scandal on the PwC brand globally? Ah, yes, they have which is why they aren’t releasing the Linklaters report they undertook. Bet there's some verbal brand identity words in that.

It seems as though those who wrote the advertisement aren’t able to ‘work effectively with cross-disciplinary teams and across languages'.

And the winner is?

PwC with 'verbal brand identity.

I mean I get what they are trying to say (I think). That words matter - of course they do. And how we write and speak are different, which comes as a surprise to many of the businesspeople I work with on their books.

But the notion that you can shoehorn a global network of people into speaking 'the same' is ludicrous and borders on George Orwell's doublethink and newspeak - doublespeak.

What do you think?

Share your corporate speak examples in the comments.

And, if you are stuck with your business book writing or self publishing your own business book contact me.

Have a first draft of your business book and don't know what to do next, or if it's any good? I can help with honest, frank and constructive advice.

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