Corporate Slogans: What They Say vs. What They Really Mean

[Disclaimer: The article below is intended as a commentary on our current corporate culture, and is not aimed at any specific firm or organisation, nor do the explanations or examples refer to any company specifically. In other words, lighten up and don't take any of this personally.] 

Through my twenty years of working in large and small organisations, I’ve come across a plethora of corporate slogans and declarations that made me feel really good when I first heard them. Filled me with warmth, energy, hope and faith in life.

Cue a few months, and I found myself throwing up a little in my mouth every time someone said them.

The only things more odious and infuriating than jargon-filled slogans are management slogans that state the obvious. The purpose of any enterprise in any industry is to deliver a product or service to a customer, while keeping your workforce happy and motivated. Therefore, you don’t need to say, for example, “We care for our people.” You’re supposed to care for your people! You shouldn’t have to say that, and you don’t get a prize for doing it.

It’s like saying “I love my children”. It’s a given. No one is needed to say it. No one feels the need to say it. And you can be sure something’s wrong when someone keeps saying it.

Which is why I find it both repulsive and suspicious when organisation leaderships coin “mantras” that simply affirm the obvious.

I suspect it’s because organisations don’t really mean what they say. They need a neat and happy slogan to help others believe that they mean well. C’mon, would you work for them if they honestly told you — “We don’t even remember your name, we just want you to make more money for us”?

Given below are some of the popular slogans you may have heard (maybe at your current firm), and what the management really means. To be fair, not every firm is a hell pit of mediocrity and there are oases of decency even within the worst firms. But a dismaying number of organisations and their lackeys, consciously or unconsciously, do exactly what’s described below.

The customer is most important.

The customer is more important than you.

Not everyone in the firm, just you. The leadership will still go golfing this weekend and then take their families shopping to buy meaningless stuff to fill their empty lives, without any success. You however will need to work this weekend because you are not as important as whatever unreasonable request the client manager has made in their yet-another attempt at a promotion.

We need to deliver more value to customer.

You need to work longer hours.

No one is sure what you need to do but you need to stay back even longer to do it. It’s not a problem if most of that extra time is only spent preparing PowerPoint presentations to convince the client and ourselves that we are delivering extra value to them. You can take the rest of the time to bitch about your bosses in the canteen on those long coffee breaks that you think no one has noticed.

Innovation is what will stand us apart from the competition.

We’ve cut every cost possible and so let’s try something else instead.

Every last penny has been squeezed out of every possible corner and cranny and so now innovation comes in as an afterthought. Some companies respect the principles of innovation but others ridiculously expect you to be innovative all the time, and especially when leadership comes visiting. And to them the first law of innovation is — it’s an innovation only if it benefits your team specifically and in this quarter.

Anyone can voice a concern without fear of retribution.

As long as you don’t criticise the bosses.

Feedback and suggestions is welcomed from all employees. Companies set up emails, helplines, HR teams, internal websites and even toll-free numbers to collect these suggestions. But strangely, many of them miss the process flaw that those channels eventually lead back to your boss or their bosses. Does that mean one should restrict feedback only to “serious” topics like canteen food and Fun Friday ideas?

We are a fair and meritocratic company.

Anyone who can suck up has the opportunity to succeed.

Everyone claims to be an equal-opportunity employer; it’s illegal to say otherwise. Some enlightened firms elevate this concept and completely ignore race, religion, caste, community, or gender. Unfortunately, it means that anyone who can laugh believably at the boss’s bad jokes, sincerely compliment them on their middle-aged-but-desperately-trying-to-look-younger dress sense, support their idiotic ideas in meetings while gently and continuously praising them, will never be denied opportunities for growth and success.

We have an inclusive culture and welcome diversity in all forms.

Now that it has become the cool thing to do.

Such inspiring ads, inviting all sections of society, regardless of their background, gender, physical abilities, or sexual orientation to apply with confidence and without hesitation. If done well, the work culture is enriched immeasurably, making it a truly exciting and great place to work in. Is it then just a coincidence that the timing often works nicely with those slightly dubious “Great Places to Work” surveys?

HR is your friend and is here to help you in every way.

We don’t have time for you cry-babies.

In great firms, HR is the crucial bridge between employees and leadership, cohering the whole firm into a powerful single entity. In other firms, HR is the dam pushing back on employee grievances while the leadership vacations in the lake downstream. In such firms, no one does anything about that crazy manager who makes you work till you can see your dead grandmother in the next seat. After all, how else will they achieve the impossible targets they’ve been tricked into accepting?

Collaboration is an integral part of our culture.

Providing ample opportunities to pass around the blame.

Firms with a large global workforce can leverage that ocean of talent to bring invaluable know-how, expertise, and skills to make any project a success. This army also contains spectacularly incompetent people who can be feasibly assigned the blame for any and all mistakes you make or delays you’ve caused because you wanted to leave early during sports seasons.

Our core values form the foundation of our organisation.

Until the management changes again.

Some firms respect that their values are like seeds which will eventually yield a mighty tree. Other firms can’t grasp this basic idea and keep digging up the garden every time the CEO changes. Even worse than the internal management musical chairs — whose damage is limited because they live under the same roof — are external consultants. They can infect an organisation like termites and they usually come in riding one of those Mad Max vehicles — a bulldozer with a machine gun and a flame-thrower, and a special mechanical arm to push little kids off their bicycles.

Leadership connects and visits are conducted regularly for your benefit.

All that bowing will definitely benefit your back muscles.

It’s a mixed exercise regimen of bending forward to bow in their esteemed presence, but also bending over backwards when they make their requests. In return you shall be invited to come within ten feet of these gods, at an evening buffet dinner with a pre-approved number of free drinks, at that very fancy five-star place where the doorman usually just sees right through you to the flushed-red foreigners behind you.

And my favourite:

People are our biggest assets

Let’s be honest. Cash is our biggest asset.

Quoting from my guru, Scott Adams, seriously, is there even a comparison? You can use cash to buy all sorts of cool stuff. But most countries these days have made it illegal to trade people for stuff. But people are still very important to all companies. They rank people somewhere between the wi-fi router and the soap dispensers in the bathrooms. C’mon, be fair, you’ve seen what happens when the wi-fi goes down.

Hope you liked this one. Your comments and stories are highly welcome.

Until the next time, stay cool and keep building a better life. Cheers!

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