Core Values: Why are they so important in finding the love you deserve?

In today’s culture, we don’t spend much time thinking about our core values when evaluating our romantic life. If we’re being honest, let’s admit it—do we spend any time at all evaluating the right aspects of our love life, or do we just want to pass blame onto our partners? Better yet, how much time to we spend beating ourselves up for our past, failed relationships? The vicious cycle doesn’t end. We look to find fault in others, then live in guilt for our own shortcomings. 

What would happen if we used our time wisely and addressed the correct things instead? Much of this unproductive behavior can be avoided if we assess our core values and use them as our pathway towards creating a healthy relationship. 

What are core values? 

Your core values are your fundamental beliefs. The set of standards by which you live your life. 

Why are core values important?

Core values shape your life! They are the essence of who you are. This set of standards can help us live our lives with less friction. They can help us make decisions when you use them as your guiding principles. These guiding principles dictate our behavior and can help us understand the difference between what’s right or wrong for us. Core values can help us determine whether we are on the right path by creating unwavering guidelines for us. When you feel uncertainty, you can use these guidelines as a filter to check in and see if your decisions are in alignment with your core values. 

Your core values are unwavering. They are non-negotiable. We hold many values in life. You must identify the ones that feel as though they are your non-negotiables. 

When you are making big life decisions—like choosing a romantic partner or spouse—you should use your core values as a screening process for true alignment. Entering into into a relationship that is converse to your values creates frustration and disappointment.  

Be sure to take the time you need to truly identify the values that you feel adamant about.  

Your values can open or close off opportunities to you. For example, if you value health, you may choose not to date a smoker with a fast food habit. Consider how this relationship would impact your own life. What if you value spontaneity or risk? A partner doesn’t necessarily need to value spontaneity to the same degree as you in order for the relationship to thrive, but they would need to know it is important to you, especially if they are someone who values certainty. If your core values involve your faith, it is especially important to understand how that integrates into your future relationships.

How do I use my core values to create a truly aligned relationship?

Your first step is to identify your own value system. Once you identify your non-negotiables, you must use them as guides in your everyday life.  

Then, make a commitment to using them as a filter when you are looking for your partner or spouse. Most people judge potential matches quickly based on their physical appearance, not considering the deeper, more meaningful connective attributes that are CORE VALUES. While physical attraction is important, remember—attraction can grow exponentially over time when you are with the right person. 

NOTE: You don’t need to have the same core values to thrive in a relationship, but you do need to know what yours and your partner’s are in order to determine if there is synergy. 

These discovery conversations need to happen early on in the courting process, to keep us from falling into the modern-day trap of dating for all the wrong reasons.  

Let me share a brief, true life story. 

Not long ago, I sat and wrote out my own non-negotiable core values. When I thought about the importance of these values in my life, I was stunned at my realization. At that time, I had spent the past several years wishing for a relationship with someone whose values were significantly different from mine (they weren’t right or wrong—just different.) Superficially, we had a lot in common—very many similar likes and interests. But the deep, intrinsic desires within me were in stark contrast with his. I’d spent countless days, weeks, even months in frustration, hoping things would change, only to realize it was me who needed to redirect my focus. I needed to turn my attention to finding a relationship with someone I could find alignment with on a core level. I was saddened to think of the years I’d spent hoping and praying for change.

I encourage you—identify your core values. Take your time. Begin to understand how you use your values as your filters, your guardrails, and guiding principles. Knowing this will help you have deeper conversations when you meet a potential partner, and create a pathway to a more authentic relationship. 

Check out this list of potential core values to get started (there are many lists available online, I simply chose this one.)

If you have questions, or need help identifying your core values and using them for a healthy relationship, visit gemrevealed.com or email [email protected].